Unbalanced revised

[ray miller]

Consider all the madmen through the ages
and how their suffering provided the wages
for wardens, attendants, psychiatric nurses,
those paid to put a name to what their curse is;
the shamans, shrinks and psychoanalysts
motivated not only by avarice,
but also fear, for who’d dare tell a Caligula
that he’s insane in such and such a particular?
Nobody in possession of their senses,
that’s why the poor are mad, the rich eccentric.

Original

Consider all the madmen through the ages
and how their suffering provided the wages
for wardens, attendants, psychiatric nurses,
those paid to put a name to what their curse is;
the shamans, shrinks and psychoanalysts
moved by compassion or avarice,
or fear, for who’d dare tell a Caligula
that he’s insane in such and such a particular?
Nobody in possession of their senses,
that’s why the poor are mad, the rich eccentric.

[jisbell00]

Very nice! And resonant.

I might write provided wages / for and by avarice, to get that tumti-tum effect.

Cheers,
John

[Macavity]

Enjoyed Ray. An option is to end with the question. Caligula/particular deserves the highlight.

[camus]

From a poetic point of view, the end rhymes/half rhymes and enjambment all worked well, a nice flow, to my ear anyway.

As for the meaning, I'm struggling slightly . Initially it seems the mad have been taken advantage of, yet you mix compassion with avarice?

Ah, perhaps the title - 'Unbalanced' explains that? The psychiatric nurses - worthy. The shrinks - unworthy? I just got lost a little in the middle, perhaps it could be a little more compartmentalised?

Just me thinking aloud!

Your poems always strain my brain.

Cheers
Kris

[ray miller]

Very nice! And resonant.

I might write provided wages / for and by avarice, to get that tumti-tum effect.

Cheers,
John

Thanks John. Good suggestions.

[ray miller]

Enjoyed Ray. An option is to end with the question. Caligula/particular deserves the highlight.

Thanks Phil. I think it needs the last 2 lines to make its point.

[jisbell00]

My reply disappeared! That may happen when two comments are exactly simultaneous.

ANyway.

I am a great one for the tumti-tum!

Glad to be of help.

Cheers,
John

[ray miller]

From a poetic point of view, the end rhymes/half rhymes and enjambment all worked well, a nice flow, to my ear anyway.

As for the meaning, I'm struggling slightly . Initially it seems the mad have been taken advantage of, yet you mix compassion with avarice?

Ah, perhaps the title - 'Unbalanced' explains that? The psychiatric nurses - worthy. The shrinks - unworthy? I just got lost a little in the middle, perhaps it could be a little more compartmentalised?

Just me thinking aloud!

Your poems always strain my brain.

Cheers
Kris

Thanks Kris. Originally I had this
motivated not only by avarice,
but also fear,

I must be getting soft in my old age, I thought it was a bit harsh. It would make the poem more coherent, though. So yeah, fuck 'em.

[ton321]

Ray

Enjoyed the read but I think it works better without the last two lines, kind of keeps it from being a thesis, more a poem if you know what I mean

Tony

[jisbell00]

I quite like Tony‘s idea about the last two lines.

Cheers,
John

[capricorn]

I quite like Tony‘s idea about the last two lines.

Cheers,
John

Hi Ray
I like that idea too. Also like some of your rhymings.

Eira

[ray miller]

Thanks all. Maybe I should cut those last two lines then. Hmm.