the downs banks

[Mharr2000]

The downs banks.
By Micheal Harris

There is a walk that I know,
where a gentle stream flows,
finds its path by what waters created,
I hear it bubble along,
I hear flocks of bird song,
voices… chirping,
carried in the breeze.

Always find a way to wander,
lose myself for an hour or two,
benches, spread around all to use,
on the bright, clear days,
I’ll sit, take in the hills, trees and stream,
worries…disappearing,
nature putting me at ease.

I carry on my ramble,
mind still worry free,
appreciating what mother nature does for me,
close my eyes to give thanks,
amble homeward till at walks end,
home…anticipating,
see you again soon!

[jisbell00]

Hi Mike,

This is a very physical, tangible, concrete poem. That's what I was talking about! You could film this one, you've given enough for a filmmaker to go on. The reader can see it in their mind's eye.

CHeers,
John

[Mharr2000]

Cheers it’s my favourite walk

[jisbell00]

It sounds lovely!

Cheers,
John

[Mharr2000]

it is john go at the right time its quiet enough. or if its busy theres many place to get out of way, they even put a coffee hut up by the ford where people park . the poem always takes me back if im sitting at home.

[jisbell00]

"the poem always takes me back if im sitting at home." - then that is a poem doing its work.

Cheers,
John

[ray miller]

Hello Michael. Enjoyed the read. What strikes me most is that in the first stanza you have what looks like the start of a regular rhyme scheme - know/flows, along/song. But it doesn't continue and perhaps it ought to.

[Mharr2000]

Thank you Ray i did see the first two lines showed rhyme. that was not my intention i wrote freely as if my mind was walking is own path.

now i see what you mean the first verse goes AABCC
second verse lost that rhyme goes ABCDE lol
third ABBCD

so ii plan to try make it AABCC/ AABCC/ABBCC

Fo you mean like this


when bright days show many a beam,
I’ll sit taking in the hills, trees and stream.

That kind of thing

[Mharr2000]

Revised #

Right done a edit thank you Ray i did not realize the rhyme scheme but liked the first verse and have tried as my previous comment said AABCC/AABCC/ABBCC

The downs banks.
By Micheal Harris

There is a walk that I know,
where a gentle stream flows,
finds its path by what waters created,
I hear it bubble along,
I hear flocks of bird song,
voices… chirping,
carried in the breeze.

Always find a myself a ramble,
for an hour or two I’ll just amble,
benches, spread around all to use,
when bright days show many a beam,
I sit, take in the hills, trees and stream,
worries…disappearing,
nature putting me at ease.

I carry on my ramble,
mind still worry free,
appreciating what mother natures done for me,
giving thanks for her mend,
I continue till journeys end,
home…anticipating,
see you again soon!

[jisbell00]

Hi Mike,

Nice to see you trying your hand at rhyme! Your rhymes seem pretty unforced, which makes the music they bring in that bit more rewarding. The piece is pulled together and given music and strcture by scaffolding it around a rhyme sequence, so that's nice.

In this line: "benches, spread around all to use" you might want to say "for all to use," adding for.

Cheers,
John

[Mharr2000]

Cheers john

i do like the way it flows now with the rhyme in a sequence. like you say they don't feel unforced either which gives a more relaxed pace to read if that sounds right.

[jisbell00]

Yes, it meanders along a bit like the stream itself.

Cheers,
John