Clay's First Episode

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
jisbell00
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5623
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 4:53 am

Sat Jan 13, 2024 3:53 am

Clay's First Episode


Clay didn’t see it coming:
a blinding light filled every crack of air.
He was struck down before he fathered children:

I pitied him for that extremity.
Clay’s bookshelves slipped and folded in like rivers
His eyes looked past the world and into God.

At the shore’s end,
the boat stopped,
and the sky filled with rain and constellations.

Clay’s clothes were wet.
The rain came from too high to find its source.
Clay released the tiller,

and the boat began to sing
in a language Clay did not understand.
The deck yielded to peonies.

Drowning men streamed out of the water:
the Lord was speaking,
and it was the falling rain.

A dove and a raven nested in Clay’s eyes.
Beneath his feet, the boat
disintegrated at the last. There was no returning.


Edited:
The air was dancing
above the turning Earth.
Last edited by jisbell00 on Tue Jan 16, 2024 12:48 pm, edited 12 times in total.
jisbell00
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5623
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 4:53 am

Sat Jan 13, 2024 5:53 am

Hi folks,

This should display with lines 2-3 of each stanza indented, but I'm not sure how to achieve that.

Cheers,
John
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 7482
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Sun Jan 14, 2024 11:12 am

He was struck down before he fathered children: - that's an interesting line, but is kind of stuck out on a limb, goes nowhere. Can't really fathom the rest of the tale.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
jisbell00
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5623
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 4:53 am

Sun Jan 14, 2024 11:44 am

Hi Ray,

Yes, it may be that this is too hermetic to go anywhere with readers. I appreciate you sharing your reaction.

Clay is my family name. And I did go mad before having any children, hence the line. I quite enjoyed writing "I pitied him," to express self-pity. The poem's about the arrival of psychosis, but if it doesn't tell you thayt on its own, it's not working.

Cheers,
John
jisbell00
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5623
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 4:53 am

Sun Jan 14, 2024 2:07 pm

I think I've got a better title.

Cheers,
John
Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 12281
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Sun Jan 14, 2024 3:34 pm

Clay didn’t see it coming:
a blinding light filled every crack of air.
He was struck down before he fathered children:


I selected each line and then used the indent option on the menu. Hope that helps John.

Particularly liked the dove/raven line.
jisbell00
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5623
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 4:53 am

Sun Jan 14, 2024 3:47 pm

Nifty! Thanks Phil. And pretty user-friendly, though it seems to delete the space between each tercet. That's OK for now though.

A dove and a raven are the two birds Noah sent out during the flood.

Cheers,
John
Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 12281
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Sun Jan 14, 2024 5:49 pm

jisbell00 wrote:
Sat Jan 13, 2024 3:53 am
First Episode


Clay didn’t see it coming:
a blinding light filled every crack of air.
He was struck down before he fathered children:

I pitied him for that extremity.
Clay’s bookshelves slipped and folded in like rivers
His eyes looked past the world and into God.

At the shore’s end,
the boat stopped,
and the sky filled with rain and constellations.

Clay’s clothes were wet.
The rain came from too high to find its source.
Clay released the tiller,

and the boat began to sing
in a language Clay did not understand.
The deck yielded to peonies.

Drowning men streamed out of the water:
the Lord was speaking,
and it was the falling rain.

A dove and a raven nested in Clay’s eyes.
The air was dancing
above the turning Earth.
Hi John
Press the return key after the indent code to insert a space.
jisbell00
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5623
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 4:53 am

Sun Jan 14, 2024 9:29 pm

Thanks, Phil! That was very helpful!

Cheers,
John
Ryder
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 225
Joined: Mon Sep 11, 2006 7:35 pm

Tue Jan 16, 2024 12:02 pm

When I read the first line I thought of Henry Cooper...and perhaps well into the third verse too but that initial misinterpretation aside I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Clay released the tiller.

and the boat began to sing

I liked very much.

The last verse was the weakest and seems, perhaps incorrectly, like a bolt on....good poems can be so hard to finish.
jisbell00
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5623
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 4:53 am

Tue Jan 16, 2024 12:24 pm

Thanks, Ryder - glad you enjoyed this! Is that an Ali quote about our 'Enery? I've not heard it before.

I'm chuffed you enjoyed that tiller and the singing boat. I'm trying out a new ending - I agree, endings can be very hard! How to end with a quiet flourish. Or a downbeat.

Cheers,
John
Post Reply