Heron

[NotQuiteSure]

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Heron


When the water in her eye froze
she turned into a bird:

perched in sullen weeds
between the fire and the door

waiting for it to open, to stab
her whole head forward

and snap the air
as if it were full of fish.

The wings of her shawl
beat once, twice.

"You crossed the bridge again,
didn't you?"

Her breath like a noose.
"Didn't you?"

Soldier's teeth clack,
cold and wet as river stones.

It is never a question.
And when I refuse to answer

she sluices out my mouth
with slum gin

– the taste
like burning flowers –

and empties all the coin
from my pockets.


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[Macavity]

.
Heron


When the water in her eye froze...good opening grab/no tears
she turned into a bird:..................I like transformation/perspective

perched in sullen weeds......because frozen/resentment
between the fire and the door...heat/access/anger

waiting for it to open, to stab... the predator patience. Like stab
her whole head forward...iconic heron image

and snap the air....like the sonic thread of stab/snap
as if it were full of fish.... brilliant image

The wings of her shawl...another excellent one
beat once, twice.

"You crossed the bridge again,....like how speech breaks into the reality
didn't you?"

Her breath like a noose....brill!
"Didn't you?"

Soldier's teeth clack, ...read an interesting article on BBC
cold and wet as river stones. ...continuing river imagery

It is never a question.....grounded domestics
And when I refuse to answer...conflict/obstinacy

she sluices out my mouth
with slum gin.....sluices/slum nice sonics, play on sloe

– the taste
like burning flowers – ...acrid

and empties all the coin
from my pockets.....grounded domestics


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Imaginative Not. I especially keyed into the first part of the poem and I liked how you bridged to reality with speech. The heron analogy was very effective.

The article I read on the BBC

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-33085031

My suggestion for edits is a structural change:

Heron


When the water in her eye froze
she turned into a bird:

perched in sullen weeds
between the fire and the door

waiting for it to open, to stab
her whole head forward

and snap the air
as if it were full of fish.

The wings of her shawl
beat once, twice.

"You crossed the bridge again,
didn't you?"

Her breath like a noose.
"Didn't you?"

It is never a question.
And when I refuse to answer

she empties all the coin
from my pockets.

The illumination of imagery is particularly brilliant in the heron analogy. The poem delivers the title. The bridging with speech to the domestic realities is effective and I feel that grounding is better anchored without more imagery.

Or, if you wanted to end with some imagery/circularity:

she empties all the fish
from my pockets.

Hope that helps some.

Mac

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi mac,
thanks for the feedback/suggestions.

The article I read on the BBC
Great minds!

I feel that grounding is better anchored without more imagery
You don't think this means the 'empties my pockets' comes a bit too suddenly?

Regards, Not

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[Macavity]

I take your point Not. The 'brutal' end reinforces the heron image...the stab!

[ray miller]

I love some of the lines, but I can't really work out who these people are and what's going on, especially from "soldier's teeth clack" all the way to the end. I think the 3rd, 4th, 5th couplets are terrific.
Why not just slum gin/that tastes like burning flowers?
I don't even know what Phil is on about with "grounded domestics". Sounds like the servants are revolting.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi ray,
Why not just slum gin/that tastes like burning flowers?
Would you accept that it simply didn't occur!

"grounded domestics". Sounds like the servants are revolting.
More like they've been set to bed without any supper.

Regards, Not

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[ton321]

Hi Not

Some good lines in here. The first 4 stanzas in fact were fab. If I knew the sense of the next phase of the piece then I'm sure I would appreciate that too. Great analagy.

Tony

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Tony,
thanks for the read.

If I knew the sense of the next phase of the piece then I'm sure I would appreciate that too.

There is a context, I just haven't written it yet!

Regards, Not

.

[Macavity]

.
Heron


When the water in her eye froze
she turned into a bird:

perched in sullen weeds
between the fire and the door

waiting for it to open, to stab
her whole head forward

and snap the air
as if it were full of fish.

The wings of her shawl
beat once, twice.

"You crossed the bridge again,
didn't you?"

Her breath like a noose.
"Didn't you?"

My hours tick as
cold and wet as river stones.

It is never a question.
And when I refuse to answer

she sluices out my mouth ...
with slum gin ,.........what is slum gin Not?

– the taste
like surströmming –

and empties all the coin
from my pockets.


.

Returning Not. If you feel you need to build to an ending, then I think you need to revisit the imagery in the second section of the poem. The imagery in the first part of the poem brilliantly illuminates and conveys meaning, the imagery in the second part of the poem doesn't. It is interesting, for me, but more obscure. It is a different style of poem in that sense. One part of the poem detonates, the other takes the reader down the mines

Hope that helps some.

Mac

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi mac,

down the mines
Noted

what is slum gin
My take on 'bathtub' gin (but more in keeping with the 'soldier's teeth')

Thanks,
Not.

[Macavity]

Of course, I am untrustworthy, in these valleys, mining is in the blood

[NotQuiteSure]

I believe the expression is "Muahahaha! Tidy."

[Macavity]

[Firebird]

Her breath like a noose.
"Didn't you?"

My favourite lines of the poem Not. Excellent.

Enjoyed the whole as well.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

Enjoyed the whole as well.

Thanks Tristan.

Regards, Not

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