sitting in my attic

[thoke]

This is a not-so-recent poem that I've just reworked a bit. It used to be just one stanza, with the first letter of every line capitalised, and with each line being eight syllables long. But I think that made it rubbish. Is it any good now?

I’ve been sitting in my attic
full of pepperdust and purple guitars
and I’ve been sighing.

When I’ve improved pronunciation,
I will catch a dragon in a glass
and keep it off the furniture.

I’ll be dripping from the ceiling
while you make a cup of tea;
and while your painted nails are peeling,
I’ll be soaking the settee.

[David]

Intriguing, with some nice lines, but hard to understand. You're in the attic. I've got that. The second verse is my favourite, yet it seems irrelevant. But it can't be - can it?

The third verse tempts me to make a wild guess. I'm getting bitterness, I'm getting retribution of a sort, you appear to be some sort of vengeful cold water tank.

I'm way out, aren't I? Still, it was a fun read.

David

[benjywenjy]

hey

like the alliteration in line 2

dont get the pronunciation bit though.....maybe the pipe bursting completely...? ? ?

I like the trite and mundane being pointed out in verse 3

fun, if not a little abstract

benjy

[thoke]

The second verse is my favourite, yet it seems irrelevant. But it can't be - can it?

Urm, to be honest I can't remember what that stanza's supposed to mean. I originally wrote this about a year ago, and I've forgotten.

I remember that the first verse is about listening to 60's music: Syd Barret/Pink Floyd (he once said he was "full of dust and guitars"), The Beatles (sgt. pepper), and Jimi Hendrix (purple haze). I can't remember why I'm in the attic, though.

Yes, the last bit is meant to be bitter/vengeful about trite/mundane stuff.

[mick]

Hi david. I'm brand-new to Poets' Grave and I loved your poem. To me, the second verse was a tongue-in-cheek stab at the strange ways of "educated" society, but I'm no expert. Don't throw away any of your old material if this is what you can do with it.

[mick]

Sorry I got your name wrong thoke.

[lemony]

Thoke - I keep coming back to re-read this - it troubles me and I can't work out why.

It almost feels like snippets of three different poems - I think I can find connections between the first and third stanzas - but the second feels completely out of place.

What do I like - I love your use of words - 'pepperdust and purple guitars', 'while your painted nails are peeling' . I enjoy the sense of restlessness - or it boredom and mischief? And I like the ease of the read.

I feel like I want the first and third stanzas to stay - with the addition of 3 new stanzas inbetween to give me the full story. That's just me - I want it all!!!

Thanks for sharing.

[Celticwych]

Hi Thoke,

I loved this noem. Especially the last verse, "Dripping from the ceiling and soaking the settee." Quite trippy that, wasn't quite sure if you were melting from the ceiling and your thoughts and essence were oozing through the ceiling from the attic mixed with Syd Barret and Floyd and whether "Soaking the settee" referred to immersing yourself in the settee in a hash or alcohol fueled stupor or whether I'm reading too much into this and it was all about a burst water tank?

Have a thoughtful life,

Keep Writing,

Love Celtic Wych

[Yesterday]

i like this poem, not sure why, especaily the second stanza... slightly reminds me of hippy town (it exists if not called that)

especailly the referance to painted nails, nail polish and its remover has a smell, that i supose could get u high

[thoke]

Thanks, I'm glad you both liked it.

This poem is about 18 months old now, and I've pretty much forgotten what it's about, if anything.

But I know that it isn't about a burst water tank, and it isn't about getting high off nail varnish remover.