This stopped me from sleeping. I wasn’t amused having to finally pull myself from bed at 3.30, to go downstairs and scribble it down. I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes I think words are a menace.
Coin
How long has it been since I spent you?
To be clear, it is a literal spent-- round
and patterned, held in your hand
like it was the last silver thing
from Space; dropped on you,
and like a gift, you caught it.
You wanted to fix it,
wear it pinned so it could be taken
and carried that last day at Eling.
I remember the birds.
You watched them grow like bruises,
a purplish dark
on an otherwise water sky.
I saw your eyes discolour with them
while you fastened the rope.
And that was it. The gate shut
like a snare, caught you in it.
You leaned on the gatepost,
doubled over it, gasping.
I continued to pull you
from the past, your house.
Your empty windows and porch.
All mothers die. Some,
die with their teeth left
biting into an arm, a neck.
A mind. And yours was a coin,
some silver thing you clung on to,
spent
that last day when the birds came.
Coin
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riverwriter
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- Location: Cornwall Ontario Canada on the St. Lawrence River
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I have read this through four times (or is it five?), and I am still caught at the beginning. The first irony in this piece is "to be clear . . ." Then you continue: "it is a literal spent-- round . . . ." — are you playing with a suggestion of spent round (bullet)? "spent" seems to be a noun, but can't be. That leaves me perplexed.
Maybe if it were published in a collection, in a context, I could discern whether your subject is an object or a person: they seem interchangeable. It is intriguing, or I would not be commenting on it; but just when I think I have a handle on it, I find a contrary or a division in the path that leads me astray.
Maybe if it were published in a collection, in a context, I could discern whether your subject is an object or a person: they seem interchangeable. It is intriguing, or I would not be commenting on it; but just when I think I have a handle on it, I find a contrary or a division in the path that leads me astray.
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
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- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday Lia
I give up! I have also toyed with numerous ideas from Alfred Hitchcock to putting down injured animals but none of my gloves seem to fit the hand. Like the times I wake up laughing, the joke never seems funny in the morning.
There are some wonderful lines in this, but to me, they are but birds in an othwise water sky.
Your poems are always entertaining, but always full of riddles!
Cheers
Dave
I give up! I have also toyed with numerous ideas from Alfred Hitchcock to putting down injured animals but none of my gloves seem to fit the hand. Like the times I wake up laughing, the joke never seems funny in the morning.
There are some wonderful lines in this, but to me, they are but birds in an othwise water sky.
Your poems are always entertaining, but always full of riddles!
Cheers
Dave
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Another enigma - The coin - A keepsake from a dead mother.
'You wanted to fix it,
wear it pinned so it could be taken
and carried that last day at Eling.' - Could this be the funeral?
'I remember the birds.
You watched them grow like bruises,
a purplish dark
on an otherwise water sky.
I saw your eyes discolour with them
while you fastened the rope.
And that was it. The gate shut
like a snare, caught you in it.'
Great visual imagery with the birds, it really stands out. The gate shutting like a snare (his (mother's) house gate, I presume) - was this 'him' shutting out reality and clinging to memories represented by the coin - the 'ghost' of his mother?
'I continued to pull you
from the past, your house.
Your empty windows and porch...' - Did you succeed?
Probably got it totally wrong.
Enjoyed trying though
nice one
Barrie
'You wanted to fix it,
wear it pinned so it could be taken
and carried that last day at Eling.' - Could this be the funeral?
'I remember the birds.
You watched them grow like bruises,
a purplish dark
on an otherwise water sky.
I saw your eyes discolour with them
while you fastened the rope.
And that was it. The gate shut
like a snare, caught you in it.'
Great visual imagery with the birds, it really stands out. The gate shutting like a snare (his (mother's) house gate, I presume) - was this 'him' shutting out reality and clinging to memories represented by the coin - the 'ghost' of his mother?
'I continued to pull you
from the past, your house.
Your empty windows and porch...' - Did you succeed?
Probably got it totally wrong.
Enjoyed trying though
nice one
Barrie
riverwriter,
Thank you very much. This is the second time you’ve brought a wise comment to one of my poems. It helps me to see where a reader might stumble.
I’m playing with the title at that stage of the poem. A literal coin. I liked the idea of using spent in such a way in that second line, but perhaps to put it like this ‘spent’ to show it as a quote from the first line? The coin gradually becomes a metaphor as the poem progresses. But I realise that you already saw this. By the end the coin has become the person’s mind, their sanity.
This does fit quite comfortably in amongst a collection of work I’m writing at the moment. It would cause a link between two particular poems about this person.
Please tell me if you notice ways to improve the punctuation or anything else for that matter. By the way, I’m curious to read some of your work.. I have been waiting for it to arrive on the board..
Dave, I’m very glad that you gave it a go. If you decided that the lines were just birds in an otherwise water sky, then that’s absolutely fine with me.
Thanks Jester, please don’t apologise. There are so many poems out there that are difficult to figure out instantly isn‘t there. And after all, I do like to keep you on your toes!
Lia
Thank you very much. This is the second time you’ve brought a wise comment to one of my poems. It helps me to see where a reader might stumble.
I’m playing with the title at that stage of the poem. A literal coin. I liked the idea of using spent in such a way in that second line, but perhaps to put it like this ‘spent’ to show it as a quote from the first line? The coin gradually becomes a metaphor as the poem progresses. But I realise that you already saw this. By the end the coin has become the person’s mind, their sanity.
This does fit quite comfortably in amongst a collection of work I’m writing at the moment. It would cause a link between two particular poems about this person.
Please tell me if you notice ways to improve the punctuation or anything else for that matter. By the way, I’m curious to read some of your work.. I have been waiting for it to arrive on the board..
Dave, I’m very glad that you gave it a go. If you decided that the lines were just birds in an otherwise water sky, then that’s absolutely fine with me.
Thanks Jester, please don’t apologise. There are so many poems out there that are difficult to figure out instantly isn‘t there. And after all, I do like to keep you on your toes!
Lia
Ah Barrie, I think I just missed you while I was replying.
Thank you very much, you have interpreted almost perfectly. Rather than the funeral itself, it was when the house was sold. The he is a she, and no, I didn't succeed.. she was the one that 'took to the needle'.
If the coin is the mind then it certainly represents the memories and how she suffered them when her mother died without giving explainations or apologies.
Perhaps my writing is not so much of a riddle after all-- I'm just gonna have to write even more cryptically from now on! (I'm actually joking, before you all start groaning! heh)
Lia
Thank you very much, you have interpreted almost perfectly. Rather than the funeral itself, it was when the house was sold. The he is a she, and no, I didn't succeed.. she was the one that 'took to the needle'.
If the coin is the mind then it certainly represents the memories and how she suffered them when her mother died without giving explainations or apologies.
Perhaps my writing is not so much of a riddle after all-- I'm just gonna have to write even more cryptically from now on! (I'm actually joking, before you all start groaning! heh)
Lia
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riverwriter
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Sat Jul 01, 2006 1:55 am
- Location: Cornwall Ontario Canada on the St. Lawrence River
- Contact:
Lia:
I appreciate your interest in my work. I am in the process of mulling the summer's harvest of two scribblers of verses which are mostly in need of toughening up. If you look back a couple of months here (June, I think), you will find some of my stuff. I shall post a one of this summer's pieces, one of a series I wrote as part of the background work I am doing to prepare a playscript based on a sensational murder that happened here in the forties. (Talk about a meandering sentence!)
I appreciate your interest in my work. I am in the process of mulling the summer's harvest of two scribblers of verses which are mostly in need of toughening up. If you look back a couple of months here (June, I think), you will find some of my stuff. I shall post a one of this summer's pieces, one of a series I wrote as part of the background work I am doing to prepare a playscript based on a sensational murder that happened here in the forties. (Talk about a meandering sentence!)
If you are looking for a fascinating subject to write about, examine the details of your own life.
Lia,
For what it's worth, I think you have considerable talent with words. I just wish you would strive more for transparency than for opacity (which, if not the intention, is often the result, I think).
I don't mind working hard to get the gist of a poem, but I've got to feel it's gettable. Otherwise I get disheartened.
Now, if you could use your powers to make clear what you want to say (as indirectly and elliptically as you like, of course), rather than making some sort of intellectual puzzle for us, I think the results would be worth the effort.
On the other hand, if you enjoy the mystery and the wordplay in its own right, you carry on. (And if, on yet another hand, I am just being obtuse, I apologise!)
Keep posting here. I like reading your stuff.
Cheers
David
P.S. I see Barrie managed a brilliant, and almost right, interpretation of this. I think it's me. Dunce's Corner beckons.
For what it's worth, I think you have considerable talent with words. I just wish you would strive more for transparency than for opacity (which, if not the intention, is often the result, I think).
I don't mind working hard to get the gist of a poem, but I've got to feel it's gettable. Otherwise I get disheartened.
Now, if you could use your powers to make clear what you want to say (as indirectly and elliptically as you like, of course), rather than making some sort of intellectual puzzle for us, I think the results would be worth the effort.
On the other hand, if you enjoy the mystery and the wordplay in its own right, you carry on. (And if, on yet another hand, I am just being obtuse, I apologise!)
Keep posting here. I like reading your stuff.
Cheers
David
P.S. I see Barrie managed a brilliant, and almost right, interpretation of this. I think it's me. Dunce's Corner beckons.
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ccvulture
Lia
This is really good, as have been all your recent postings. I'm not milking it here - I think you're in the lead!
The exegesis of the coin's personality is perfect. The language and structure tight. More imprtantly, it's sweet to read.
And having been to Eling I had a good sense of place..
Thanks
Stu
PS - send this off to magazines etc!
This is really good, as have been all your recent postings. I'm not milking it here - I think you're in the lead!
The exegesis of the coin's personality is perfect. The language and structure tight. More imprtantly, it's sweet to read.
And having been to Eling I had a good sense of place..
Thanks
Stu
PS - send this off to magazines etc!
David,
To be honest, I just write it as it comes really. Up until a few years ago, I hadn’t shown my work to anyone. For me, poetry was(is) a tool used for release, a way to put down how the world and its people affected me.. like entries from a diary. But to make it be felt by a reader is a whole other ballgame isn’t it..
So you've been to Eling, Stuart?.. that will certainly help with the atmosphere of this won't it. Thanks very much for your comments.. coming from such a writer as your self, I can't help but feel a little bit humbled can I?
OK, perhaps I can give this one a try with a magazine or two..
Lia
To be honest, I just write it as it comes really. Up until a few years ago, I hadn’t shown my work to anyone. For me, poetry was(is) a tool used for release, a way to put down how the world and its people affected me.. like entries from a diary. But to make it be felt by a reader is a whole other ballgame isn’t it..
So you've been to Eling, Stuart?.. that will certainly help with the atmosphere of this won't it. Thanks very much for your comments.. coming from such a writer as your self, I can't help but feel a little bit humbled can I?
OK, perhaps I can give this one a try with a magazine or two..
Lia