Distancing
Lingering too late over the words —
incantations scratched onto these pages,
rubrics drawn from
the topography of my shifting brain —
resisting the allure of veering off
into microsleep in the flames
of whatever whore of a dream
wants to entertain me —
I am reluctant to leave the fading
dopplering echoes of our family departed
to crouch in sleep,
coiled in my impervious shell.
I want to linger here
at the pixellating edges a little
where there is at least a chance
to relish one last tiny echo of
a laugh perhaps, caught, held by
immutable scientific law,
then relinquished by these fabrics,
threads running like mapped roadways
in the multicoloured couches
where we all sat
feasting on each others’ wits
for a few warm weeks
now cooling like roadkill.
Distancing
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riverwriter
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Swing of the sea
- Posts: 42
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Somebody should post a review for you, so it'll be me. It's a bit of a rough review though.
The thing of it is, how involved do I feel with this and where does it go? I don't have an argument with personal statements, but sometimes they turn out so idiosyncratic that one has few points of reference. At some level, superficially maybe, a poem should be an entertainment . Poetry is akin to the other Arts in as much as one ought to feel lifted or shunted one way or another, at one level or another. In a forum anyway, we try to communicate, don't we?
The good bits: "to crouch in sleep" has a humane feel to it
Pretty good: "threads running like mapped roadways
in the multicoloured couches
where we all sat
feasting on each others’ wits
for a few warm weeks
now cooling like roadkill." Has a lyrical quality. Where we all sat , the narrative moment.
There 's a lot of language in the rest of the poem, that's for sure. But it has a way of reflecting on your mind, rather than elevating mine. For example:
"the topography of my shifting brain —
resisting the allure of veering off
into microsleep in the flames
of whatever whore of a dream
wants to entertain me —" There's a lot of you in this but consider what we have in 5 lines: topography? metaphor for content? shifting brain not shifting thoughts or whatever; resisting the allure of veering off???? microsleep in the flames of whatever whore of a dream".... feverish perhaps, but unconvincing.. I recommend you pare this down to what is essential and listen for that true feeling that must be in there somewhere.
The thing of it is, how involved do I feel with this and where does it go? I don't have an argument with personal statements, but sometimes they turn out so idiosyncratic that one has few points of reference. At some level, superficially maybe, a poem should be an entertainment . Poetry is akin to the other Arts in as much as one ought to feel lifted or shunted one way or another, at one level or another. In a forum anyway, we try to communicate, don't we?
The good bits: "to crouch in sleep" has a humane feel to it
Pretty good: "threads running like mapped roadways
in the multicoloured couches
where we all sat
feasting on each others’ wits
for a few warm weeks
now cooling like roadkill." Has a lyrical quality. Where we all sat , the narrative moment.
There 's a lot of language in the rest of the poem, that's for sure. But it has a way of reflecting on your mind, rather than elevating mine. For example:
"the topography of my shifting brain —
resisting the allure of veering off
into microsleep in the flames
of whatever whore of a dream
wants to entertain me —" There's a lot of you in this but consider what we have in 5 lines: topography? metaphor for content? shifting brain not shifting thoughts or whatever; resisting the allure of veering off???? microsleep in the flames of whatever whore of a dream".... feverish perhaps, but unconvincing.. I recommend you pare this down to what is essential and listen for that true feeling that must be in there somewhere.
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riverwriter
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Sat Jul 01, 2006 1:55 am
- Location: Cornwall Ontario Canada on the St. Lawrence River
- Contact:
Swing: not rough at all; you posted a balanced, thoughtful review that gave me a useful perspective.
I know what you mean by ". . . how involved do I feel with this . . . ?" I have often sat through a reading that did not connect with me, nor I with it. I suppose that is the reason so many readers/Open Mike types fall back on humour to connect, and you only get the guts from them after they have made you laugh too much. I know that too often the problem with early drafts is that the writer knows what he is saying (trying to say), but it never really gets onto the page. That may be what happened here, although I think I will wait a bit before taking aggressive action on the piece.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I know what you mean by ". . . how involved do I feel with this . . . ?" I have often sat through a reading that did not connect with me, nor I with it. I suppose that is the reason so many readers/Open Mike types fall back on humour to connect, and you only get the guts from them after they have made you laugh too much. I know that too often the problem with early drafts is that the writer knows what he is saying (trying to say), but it never really gets onto the page. That may be what happened here, although I think I will wait a bit before taking aggressive action on the piece.
Thanks for your thoughts.