Samite Smoke Snakes
From the tops of chimneys
Coiling billows
Smouldering chain
If you could step into my brain
Would the pain kill me?
Could I ever stay sane
Serpentine maddening glee
Grey smoke rises
Grey smoke curls
Tenants coughing to breathe
Occupants squinting to see
If I could see through your eyes
And hear what you hear
Then maybe I could stop-
Samite Smoke Snakes
Manic madness makes
Spitting coals from the lips
Fire thowing throat
And down falls all the ashes
Samite Smoke Snakes
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi,
Welcome to the Forum.
Please read the rules - you cannot expect in all fairness to receive
critiques if you do not give them.
Go on, cast your bread upon the waters even if it makes your
sandwiches soggy.....
Geoff
Welcome to the Forum.
Please read the rules - you cannot expect in all fairness to receive
critiques if you do not give them.
Go on, cast your bread upon the waters even if it makes your
sandwiches soggy.....
Geoff
-
Jester
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1139
- Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:35 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Manchester, England
- Contact:
Jaerlost
Hi and welcome. I'm afraid you've lost me here. I read the burning of Mother Nature into it, and the consequences on humans, but I'm probably way off what you had in mind. A bit too cryptic for me, but some of the guys (and girls) on here are really good at picking up on the meaning behind the words, so stick around. Incidentally, I Googled "city of water" and nothing leapt out as to your location. Are you the Man from Atlantis?
Mick
Hi and welcome. I'm afraid you've lost me here. I read the burning of Mother Nature into it, and the consequences on humans, but I'm probably way off what you had in mind. A bit too cryptic for me, but some of the guys (and girls) on here are really good at picking up on the meaning behind the words, so stick around. Incidentally, I Googled "city of water" and nothing leapt out as to your location. Are you the Man from Atlantis?
Mick
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
I must admit I'm not keying into this either.
No, heh. "minne" was a Dakota word meaning "water". Thus Minneapolis means litterally "Water City".Jester wrote:Jaerlost
Hi and welcome. I'm afraid you've lost me here. I read the burning of Mother Nature into it, and the consequences on humans, but I'm probably way off what you had in mind. A bit too cryptic for me, but some of the guys (and girls) on here are really good at picking up on the meaning behind the words, so stick around. Incidentally, I Googled "city of water" and nothing leapt out as to your location. Are you the Man from Atlantis?
Mick
I honestly don't know exactly what this poem is about, perhapse a cigarette, or a burning building, or a fire-breathing worm, I like the burning of Mother Nature! I suppose it's simply about watching smoke. Or pyromania.
Pulled the scabs off of regrets
We haven't learned to eat our conscious yet
-Isaac Brock
We haven't learned to eat our conscious yet
-Isaac Brock
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
wrt Minniapolis
Very interesting.
I just googled "Minnehaha":
The American Heritage dictionary says:
Another popular etymology of a similar-sounding Indian name has Minnehaha meaning “laughing waters.” It doesn't; it means “waterfalls"
Similarly - Minniconjou (Sioux tribe) - Those who Plant by the Stream
Sorry to hijack your thread Jaer, but I am interested in etymology.
Geoff
Very interesting.
I just googled "Minnehaha":
The American Heritage dictionary says:
Another popular etymology of a similar-sounding Indian name has Minnehaha meaning “laughing waters.” It doesn't; it means “waterfalls"
Similarly - Minniconjou (Sioux tribe) - Those who Plant by the Stream
Sorry to hijack your thread Jaer, but I am interested in etymology.
Geoff
Not a criticism of your poem J. or your approach, but your comment just made me wonder if a poem should make sense (ie communicate meaning).I honestly don't know exactly what this poem is about, perhapse a cigarette, or a burning building, or a fire-breathing worm, I like the burning of Mother Nature! I suppose it's simply about watching smoke. Or pyromania.
mac
hmm... interesting concept. personally i think no, mainly because i have no idea what the hell im writing about until th next morning 
... my english literature course teaches that anything can be intepreted in anyway acording to the reader positioning. (although this theory does not seem to be aplied when making papers... strange that). Most logical poeple demand a meaning to a poem if they are writing one and if they read one they find their own. This means that a poet has to include specific refrences but with a vague purpose if they don't know what they really are talking about. Most poeple believe that poetry is used like most literature to convay meaning however the meaning is up to the reader to decide (acording to my learning), which means that the meaning that the poet is trying to put across is not apreciated and the audience creates their own meaning. so honestly, i have no idea.
... my english literature course teaches that anything can be intepreted in anyway acording to the reader positioning. (although this theory does not seem to be aplied when making papers... strange that). Most logical poeple demand a meaning to a poem if they are writing one and if they read one they find their own. This means that a poet has to include specific refrences but with a vague purpose if they don't know what they really are talking about. Most poeple believe that poetry is used like most literature to convay meaning however the meaning is up to the reader to decide (acording to my learning), which means that the meaning that the poet is trying to put across is not apreciated and the audience creates their own meaning. so honestly, i have no idea.-
thoke
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 995
- Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 10:33 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Nottingham
I definitely like the first stanza. A nice, vivid description of smoke coming from a chimney. And I like how you begin with the image of a chimney and end with the image of somebody smoking (I think?), as if you're comparing the two. I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean, if anything, but it sounds good.
The rhythm of the first stanza seems to work well... maybe the poem would improve if you kept the same metre for every stanza? That is, a line of 4 syllables, then 6, then 4, then 4.
Not sure about the 2nd and 4th stanzas. They're maybe a bit too cryptic, as other people have said, and they seem out of place since they don't have any of the smoke imagery that's present in the rest of the poem.
Overall, I think it's pretty good, and maybe worth trying to improve?
The rhythm of the first stanza seems to work well... maybe the poem would improve if you kept the same metre for every stanza? That is, a line of 4 syllables, then 6, then 4, then 4.
Not sure about the 2nd and 4th stanzas. They're maybe a bit too cryptic, as other people have said, and they seem out of place since they don't have any of the smoke imagery that's present in the rest of the poem.
Overall, I think it's pretty good, and maybe worth trying to improve?