Eliza

[kozmikdave]

[I'm a bit obsessed with playing with form - sorry! This is a quick and dirty attempt to integrate "hidden" lines into a poem. The poem could be better I'm afraid, but it is interesting, if nothing else. Perhaps it will inspire someone to have a better attempt.]


I’ve never really seen my granddaughter smile.
No childish, malformed word has left her lips.
Stomach pain rips, and she screams, but not
for me. She wouldn’t like my dry breast, for
growing babies need mother forms of oral pleasure.
Old man, father of her mum, hugs photographs alone.

====>

I’VE never really seen my granddaughter smile.
NO childish, malformed word has left her lips.
STOMACH pain rips, and she screams, but not
FOR me. She wouldn’t like my dry breast, for
GROWING babies need mother forms of oral pleasure.
OLD man, father of her mum, hugs photographs alone.

====>

I’ve never really seen MY granddaughter smile.
No childish, malformed WORD has left her lips.
Stomach pain rips, and SHE Screams, but not
for me. She wouldn’t LIKE my dry breast, for
growing babies need motHER forms of oral pleasure.
Old man, father of her MUM, hugs photographs alone.

====>

I’ve never really seen my granddaughter SMILE.
No childish, malformed word has left her LIPS.
Stomach pain rips, and she screams, but NOT
for me. She wouldn’t like my dry breast, FOR
growing babies need mother forms of oral PLEASURE.
Old man, father of her mum, hugs photographs ALONE.

[Yesterday]

i like the style, how ever i think trying to hide to many hidden messages takes away from the suprising simplicty of these poems. I liked both the first and the second hidden messages and i think you could probably use those in one poem. however i think the last one was a bit much although i did like it. Perhaps it was because it was too jaring for the poem (well that what i think). Perhaps it would be a good contrast, but those hidden mesages seem to need to be one sentance pretty much. I liked the way the message that is hidden is a contrast to the actual poem. and the dry humor of 'my word she's like her mother'. This one was more poetical, but some how your last poem suparses this one. i have no idea how to fix this (im terrible with things like that). Keep trying at these poems, there very interesting !

[Jester]

Very clever, Dave I don't know how you manage to create all these on top of your work and music.

Mick

[Robert]

Dave. I am quite taken by the poem without the whistles and bells.

Okay, I can see and admire how you deploy the words in this particular form but I personally feel they would be better integrated into the poem proper.

If I read the poem without the 'extras' I am given a clear image. The extras give me another image which tends to override the other.

I must be honest and say I am still not sure. I suppose I am spoiled by your other poems.

Thanks for not doing them in red.

Bloody traditionalist that I am.

[Bombadil]

Koz,

The form is clever, I see why you like it.

I think this one is better as a sum than in parts, though.

Dunno.

Cheers,

K.

[kozmikdave]

The trouble with them is that every time you add another hidden message, both the poem and the messages restrict each other to a point of screaming. Both evolve, usually into something crass. With this one the last message is very different to the one I origianally planned.

Really it was an exercise to see if I could pull it off. I'm sort of satisfied for the time being. I now have time to work on my masterpiece. (Hahahaha).

Thanks for the +ves

Dave

[barrie]

I appreciate the form and the discipline - but I see intellect ahead of soul.

I prefer your lyrical stuff - 'Paint the soul, never mind the legs and arms'.


Barrie.

[dillingworth]

browning?

[barrie]

Yes - Fra Lippo Lippi. Great stuff -

'I am poor brother Lippo, by your leave!
You need not clap your torches to my face.
Zooks, what's to blame? you think you see a monk!
What, 'tis past midnight, and you go the rounds,
And here you catch me at an alley's end
Where sportive ladies leave their doors ajar?
The Carmine's my cloister..........'

Barrie