Come to bed

[dillingworth]

To a dying candle's wavering glow
Through a winter-long night till dusky dawn,
When the robin sings thin amidst the snow
And, seeing the reluctant sun, we mourn;
In cotton-high summer's conducive heat,
When blossom burns stiff on a brittle bough
And days run slow to the easy beat
Of languid, liquid minutes - then, and now,
I'd have you share my bed with me. Say no,
And days acquire monotony of hue,
Bleached dull grey by the cold, undented place
Your head should occupy. And if you go,
My solitude will crack for drought of you,
And wait the balm of your returning face.

[Jester]

As a matter of interest, Dill, is this a mixture of Shakespearean and Petrarchan rhyme scheme? It works for me anyway.

"Bleached" jarred the meter slightly, I thought, but the wording of the sestet is great - especially the last two lines.

Nice one.

Mick

[dillingworth]

You're quite right - abab is Shakespearean, cdecde Petrarchan.

[barrie]

Good sonnet - from start to finish. I'm looking for nits to pick but I can't find any: everything runs off the tongue.

An impressive opener in a neo-classical first four lines -

'To a dying candle's wavering glow
Through a winter-long night till dusky dawn,
When the robin sings thin amidst the snow
And, seeing the reluctant sun, we mourn'

followed by echoes of Gershwin -'In cotton-high summer's conducive heat,' - Was this deliberate?

To pinch a phrase from the poem - it runs 'slow to an easy beat'. I must admit to being quite taken by this, it's most impressive.

'........And if you go,
My solitude will crack for drought of you,
And wait the balm of your returning face.' - A hell of an image to end on.

Well done

Barrie

[dillingworth]

cheers barrie. i might now deliver it to the lady in question...hehe

[barrie]

Take your lute and sing it to her!

[David]

Absolutely. Go for it. As they say in Buffy, carpe diem: fish of the day.

[Duncan Williams.]

G'day David, this a great piece of written verse, enjoyed reading your lines. keep up the good work. Duncan.

[camus]

Duncan likes the title!

Duncy you are a strange predator indeed.

[David]

Btw, dill, it's really good. I just wonder about the suddenness of "Say no" at the end of the line - it sounds (at first, at least) more imperative than conditional, as though you're telling her to say no.

And My solitude will crack for drought of you I just found an unpleasing image. Just me, no doubt.

On the other hand, both And, seeing the reluctant sun, we mourn and And days acquire monotony of hue are lovely lines.

A. N. Other David

[barrie]

Did it do the trick then?

[twoleftfeet]

Dill,

For crafting a love poem that doesn't have me reaching for a bucket
I offer my congratulations.

"In cotton-high summer's conducive heat"
I'm not sure about "cotton-high" - it seems to displace the landscape
to foreign climes, although I can see it might simply refer to fluffy
clouds. I'm not offering any alternatives -
although "hemp-high" did spring to mind

I'm off to the next BPA meeting
Geoff