Ocean Breeze

[darkone]

My poems are usually rather lenghtly and this is one of the shortest ones i have made.

The beautiful ocean calls me, I run out and
See it sparkle against the moon light,
I lay on the sand, look at the dark blanket over
My head, sequences shine through, I feel like I’m in
A sandwich of beauty

And I’m in the middle to view
The both, I step aboard on my ship, I sail to the distant
Lands that whisper to me to come near.
I’m halfway there; the sun is rising in front of me,
It’s so near I could touch it, I stop my ship,

Look down into the ocean before me, beautiful creatures
Swim searching for their own dream across
The ocean bed, that mingles with
Orange ripples as I look deeper into the sea,

I see my own reflection that will never be still,
I see a smile upon my face, pondering thoughts that tell me,

How could we forget such beauty and get
Caught up in the city life, full of pollution
That we inhale deep inside, when out here
it is priceless and we suffer less , so I take a glance
Over my shoulder until my heart can take no longer,
And i say goodbye to this city life
That fumes the nature

And begin a journey on the ocean floor
That I will now call my home,
Never to return to this cold land
Furthermore....

[Jester]

Hello Darkone, and welcome. The forum rules require that you post at least two crits for each poem you post. That way there's usually feedback for everyone .

Mick

[darkone]

Thank you Jester and thank you once again for not being rude. The old forum i was from was very rude to newcomers and people who made mistakes and its only human to make them.

Now lets see...

1. I thought my poem could flow better with good use of a rhythmic pattern.

2.I wish it held much more of a deeper meaning.

[twoleftfeet]

Doh!
Mick means that you crit 2 poems by OTHER PEOPLE!

[darkone]

Doh!
Mick means that you crit 2 poems by OTHER PEOPLE!

Doh indeed I am so sorry about this. i will do so as soon as i come back from class.

[ccvulture]

Welcome aboard

I think this wasn't bad and a nice intro. Maybe you could add more images. "Sequences shine through" - and then, well, they didn't really live up to that claim.

It's deep enough for me, the theme of escape, and I thought you dragged us into the city quite well for those few lines where it invaded.

Stu

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

It's a very busy poem. I just start getting settled into a scene and it changes. I'd like to see it establish more in each scene to give me footholds to climb through this one.

You used "beautiful" a couple of times, which is a little bland. What beauty are you writing about?

I agree with the vulture that the penultimate verse was the strongest, although it did seem to come out of nowhere.

I'd like to see you sharpen this up because it is quite a journey and I was starting to get involved.

Cheers
Dave

[David]

I enjoyed this as well. I could imagine it as a sequence out of Yellow Submarine - that sort of phantasmagoric journey.

One thing you should watch out for, however, is the accidentally comic image. "A sandwich of beauty" is the sort of thing which is going to give even the most sympathetic reader the giggles. Don't think it's just me, is it?

If I may pontificate for a moment, when you write a poem you are inviting people to examine your words with a bloody great magnifying glass. So be careful with them.

It's an enjoyable read, though, so well done for that, and have another go. (Once you've done your crits. Which you might even enjoy.)

Cheers

David

[marten]

I felt it was a strong poem that could use a little more embellishing of imagery. The sense of escapism was intriguing and offered some insight and introspection. I was taken by the hand on your journey and in the end was not dissapointed. Nicely done.

Marten