One Small Step
Moon
Like a betrayed lover
Alone
And walked upon
One Small Step
I like these short poems. They're practically Japanese in their brevity. (Note to anyone who knows what they're talking about - are they practically Japanese in their brevity?)
Possibly abandoned rather than betrayed? After all, we haven't been seeing another moon.
I think you could do more with this. But that might have a negative impact on the whole brevity thing.
David
Possibly abandoned rather than betrayed? After all, we haven't been seeing another moon.
I think you could do more with this. But that might have a negative impact on the whole brevity thing.
David
Sincere thanks to you all.
Davd, thank you for 'abandoned'. Much, much better.
Take Care
p.s. Mick, I hope you are well. I'll send you a pm
One Small Step
Moon
Like an abandoned lover
Alone
And walked upon
Davd, thank you for 'abandoned'. Much, much better.
Take Care
p.s. Mick, I hope you are well. I'll send you a pm
One Small Step
Moon
Like an abandoned lover
Alone
And walked upon
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- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
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- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Nice! So obvious once someone comes up with the idea. (All crits are longer than your poem!)
Nice read
Dave
Nice read
Dave
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
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- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 8:02 pm
- Location: manchester UK
abandoned deffo a better choice, images of the cold of space and coldness of betrayal.
great choice of topic and the brevity makes it better maybe
benjy
great choice of topic and the brevity makes it better maybe
benjy