One Small Step

[Robert]

One Small Step


Moon
Like a betrayed lover

Alone
And walked upon

[barrie]

Coldly clinical - nice (meaning accurate).

good one

Barrie



Lose the frills!

[David]

I like these short poems. They're practically Japanese in their brevity. (Note to anyone who knows what they're talking about - are they practically Japanese in their brevity?)

Possibly abandoned rather than betrayed? After all, we haven't been seeing another moon.

I think you could do more with this. But that might have a negative impact on the whole brevity thing.

David

[Jester]

Another good un Robert. Nice analogy

Mick

[Robert]

Sincere thanks to you all.

Davd, thank you for 'abandoned'. Much, much better.

Take Care

p.s. Mick, I hope you are well. I'll send you a pm




One Small Step


Moon
Like an abandoned lover

Alone
And walked upon

[Yesterday]

very nice, minimalistic...
hmm, perhaps the moon does feel betrayed, after all, we have been paying more attention to Mars lately

[kozmikdave]

Nice! So obvious once someone comes up with the idea. (All crits are longer than your poem!)

Nice read
Dave

[benjywenjy]

abandoned deffo a better choice, images of the cold of space and coldness of betrayal.

great choice of topic and the brevity makes it better maybe

benjy