playing to an empty room…

[kozmikdave]

hammer on and hammer off,
ad lib in six bar blues -
stray notes -
blue strains.

foot-tapping rat in corner
leaves fleas to spread the plague.
must work -
he’s leaving.

empty tables look like barricades
keeping out the bourgeoisie.
social void -
room echoes

the rapture may have left me alone
with the gum-chewing waitress asking for covers.
agrees to make
my breakfast.

icebergs in smudgy, double scotch
hide short measure, but no tips to pay off tab.
we’re all going out -
backwards

[barrie]

Atmospheric (even without the smoke). - sounds an opener to some 1940's film noire set in Chigago. I know it's not meant to be, but that's the picture it conjures up - Like Mike Hammer setting the scene.

'the rapture may have left me alone
with gum-chewing waitress asking for covers.
agrees to make
my breakfast.' - I would have preferred an article before gum chewing.

'we’re all going out -
backwards' - non too sure about this, I don't even know what it means. In fact, after going through it again, I would say drop the last verse - ending on

'the rapture may have left me alone
with the gum-chewing waitress asking for covers.

She agrees to make
my breakfast.'

I enjoyed the whole scene it set (for me).

Barrie

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Just the tip of the iceberg, Barrie. "Going out backwards" means continually running at a loss.

[I played a gig in my hometown and the newspapers got the date wrong - nobody showed up - well almost nobody. That was the original inspiration and this probably reflects some of the depression I felt at the time.]

I will leave any changes until I get some more suggestion (tho' I do value yours, Barrie).

Cheers
Dave

[Robert]

Initial thoughts Dave. I like the tone. Reminds me of H Thompson & Kerouac - don't know why. I'm a bit perplexed with:

"gum-chewing waitress asking for covers. "

What are the 'covers' please?

Rob

[twoleftfeet]

Dave,

I agree with Barrie about a/the waitress

I think you need to explain why the place is empty and you are
peed-off. Perhaps a wrongly dated poster of yours truly?

I like the foot-tapping rat

Nice one
Geoff
Hammer-off? Are you hammering my leg?

[kozmikdave]

Robert,

A cover is the opposite to an original song. I think all musicians get this. "Can you play any Dylan of Glen Campbell?" Most musicians survive on covers, unless people already know their work. Originals have to be good to get attention these days.

Geoff, thanks for the comments. An article it is then. Will consider the rest.

Cheers
Dave

[Robert]

Cheers Dave - now it clicks. I was thinking about your poem tonight and was reminded of Tom Waits and Dr. John. Obviously shows the influence of the atmosphere you've created. Send it to Waits and ask him for some dosh.

[dedalus]

Interrrresting ....!!

The second stanza seems to invoke the Middle Ages and the Great Plague which decimated Europe, and the third stanza with its "barricades" and "bourgeoise" seems to recall the angry French of 1848 if not 1789 -- well, they didn't have much of a middle class back in the 18th century!!

I have a sense this is not at all what the poem is about, but then some people think the past is over and done with when it sits there grinning behind your shoulder!