Boy in Brown
Boy in brown
They called his name
From east to south,
But there he lay
On the western bank
Coughing, spluttering, muttering, wondering
about the hum and the drum and the tongue
of london town all around
Not a sound just a frown,
for the boy as he lay on the ground,
drowned by the lights of london town.
I dunno, my first post here, wrote it last night. My friends would laugh if they saw it so here i am
They called his name
From east to south,
But there he lay
On the western bank
Coughing, spluttering, muttering, wondering
about the hum and the drum and the tongue
of london town all around
Not a sound just a frown,
for the boy as he lay on the ground,
drowned by the lights of london town.
I dunno, my first post here, wrote it last night. My friends would laugh if they saw it so here i am
Last edited by bennyboy on Sun Dec 03, 2006 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Lyrical. Thinly disguised. Objectifying a personal experience, ergo nice effort.
Welcome by the way. I'm not a mod., but they will tell you to comment on other people's postings along the way, if you want to stick around. Hope you will
Nice city, this place.
Stu
Welcome by the way. I'm not a mod., but they will tell you to comment on other people's postings along the way, if you want to stick around. Hope you will
Nice city, this place.
Stu
nice poem...
it is well written...
personally the rhyme grates me, the second part's rhyme is too much... perhapos try to change the rhyme or get rid of it completely...
i do like 'drowned by the lights of london town'
tell me im full of it...
the thing about freinds seeing your work... ahwel... mine would laugh at mine too... but i'm used to it ...
keep writing
it is well written...
personally the rhyme grates me, the second part's rhyme is too much... perhapos try to change the rhyme or get rid of it completely...
i do like 'drowned by the lights of london town'
tell me im full of it...
the thing about freinds seeing your work... ahwel... mine would laugh at mine too... but i'm used to it ...
keep writing
Yeh I see what you mean, im not sure if im going in the right direction with this rhyming business like...
good girl, I see my love my lust
it tears my heart to know I must
decline tonight, sit by and sigh
while others stand and wonder why.
good girl, I see my love my lust
it tears my heart to know I must
decline tonight, sit by and sigh
while others stand and wonder why.
- twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Benny,
I think this would make a better lyric than a poem.
It's hard for me to enthuse about it, as I think London is a shithole....
Geoff
I think this would make a better lyric than a poem.
It's hard for me to enthuse about it, as I think London is a shithole....
Geoff
That was kinda the idea,the boy lying on the side of the thames trying to get a way from form everything for a little whiletwoleftfeet wrote:Benny,
It's hard for me to enthuse about it, as I think London is a shithole....
Geoff
"drowned by the lights of london town" = its all gotten too much for him
-
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- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
Mate, they've all got you pegged as a songwriter. Can understand it. Been watching the comments on this one. Like Stu, I'm not a moderator, but don't you think you could start commenting on other people's work? It only takes a few minutes and helps to focus you for your next poem.
Geoff, I like London (mostly) - it's one of the most impressive cities in the world. I often have to pinch myself to make sure I'm really there. But then again, I'm always pissed when I visit. Roll out the barrels for June.
Cheers
Dave
Mate, they've all got you pegged as a songwriter. Can understand it. Been watching the comments on this one. Like Stu, I'm not a moderator, but don't you think you could start commenting on other people's work? It only takes a few minutes and helps to focus you for your next poem.
Geoff, I like London (mostly) - it's one of the most impressive cities in the world. I often have to pinch myself to make sure I'm really there. But then again, I'm always pissed when I visit. Roll out the barrels for June.
Cheers
Dave
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
- camus
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5446
- Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Grimbia
- Contact:
"I wander through each chartered street,
Near where the chartered Thames does flow,
And mark in every face I meet,
Marks of weakness, marks of woe."
"I wander lonely streets
Behind where the old Thames does flow
And in every face I meet
Reminds me of what I have run from"
Blakey or The Verve, your choice.
I find it funny you called it London TOWN for rhymes sake. People living there call it London Village - Hilarious...
Keep posting.
Cheers
Kris
Near where the chartered Thames does flow,
And mark in every face I meet,
Marks of weakness, marks of woe."
"I wander lonely streets
Behind where the old Thames does flow
And in every face I meet
Reminds me of what I have run from"
Blakey or The Verve, your choice.
I find it funny you called it London TOWN for rhymes sake. People living there call it London Village - Hilarious...
Keep posting.
Cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
- twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
London Village?
It's just a tad over-populated for a village, but looking on the bright side
- down at Wetminster we've got dozens of Village Idiots.
It's just a tad over-populated for a village, but looking on the bright side
- down at Wetminster we've got dozens of Village Idiots.
- twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Kris,
I try to retain my sense of humour, but I guess I'm losing it, period!
I try to retain my sense of humour, but I guess I'm losing it, period!
He sat alone on the humble mount,
looking down on all above,
the birds the heards the streams the trees
that grazed upon the open earth.
They stood and laughed
mocked at will
but the sky it wept
for the boy on the hill
and...
Numbed by the toils of scotsmen past,
calous words spilt from his mouth
like the golden necter spilt from his glass,
both held by a trembling hand
first one, then the other
as he lay on the cold ground
looking down on all above,
the birds the heards the streams the trees
that grazed upon the open earth.
They stood and laughed
mocked at will
but the sky it wept
for the boy on the hill
and...
Numbed by the toils of scotsmen past,
calous words spilt from his mouth
like the golden necter spilt from his glass,
both held by a trembling hand
first one, then the other
as he lay on the cold ground
Gone too far
you glance at me
i know that look
your face is wide,
an open book.
fraught emotions flow within
those veins protrude
beneath your skin
flaring up with every word
you turn away
like you never heard
but still i see the pain inside
those darker feelings
you tend to hide
they scream and kick and shout and ball
an i alone can heed their call
you glance at me
i know that look
your face is wide,
an open book.
fraught emotions flow within
those veins protrude
beneath your skin
flaring up with every word
you turn away
like you never heard
but still i see the pain inside
those darker feelings
you tend to hide
they scream and kick and shout and ball
an i alone can heed their call
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday Bennyboy
It is usual to post poems separately. For each poem you post, you should have commented on at least two other poems.
So far you have posted 5 times and they have all been your own poems. It is not good etiquette to allow everyone else to comment on your poems without giving anything back in return. What makes this such a good site, is the fact that people are prepared to give you help and encouragement.
You would have read the rules of the forum when you first joined. They are pretty clear, and for some reason you are choosing to ignore them.
Dave
It is usual to post poems separately. For each poem you post, you should have commented on at least two other poems.
So far you have posted 5 times and they have all been your own poems. It is not good etiquette to allow everyone else to comment on your poems without giving anything back in return. What makes this such a good site, is the fact that people are prepared to give you help and encouragement.
You would have read the rules of the forum when you first joined. They are pretty clear, and for some reason you are choosing to ignore them.
Dave
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Ok sorry, its just that everyones poems are so daunting and it usual takes me ages to come to terms with them. And im doing my gcse's at the moment so all coursework and stuff is mounting up, but yeah no excuse Ill make an effort
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Cool
Start small - try lyrics if poems too daunting - or pick short poems in beginners. I still find it hard to say anything mildly intelligent, so you should have no problems.
Good luck with your GCSE's. You must be doing modules to be this busy at this time of year. We're finished for the year in Aus.
Cheers
Dave
Start small - try lyrics if poems too daunting - or pick short poems in beginners. I still find it hard to say anything mildly intelligent, so you should have no problems.
Good luck with your GCSE's. You must be doing modules to be this busy at this time of year. We're finished for the year in Aus.
Cheers
Dave
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]