The Doll

[boxpoet]

The Doll

One day I saw sitting on my bed,
a deformed doll which said:
'I will be with you everywhere',
when I went to work she was there,
staring at me with eyes dark black,
in fear I gave her a light smack,
it said without moving lips 'soon I will go into you',
from that point onwards I just knew,
that I will become possesed,
I will become it's nest,
outside I looked at the garden gnome,
then entered through the door into my little home,
behind the curtain I frightfully found,
the demon doll on the window sill bound,
it said 'now is the time',
'into you I will now climb',
from my own body I was kicked out,
from the body's black eyes I knew the doll was about,
my soul was now cast aside,
within my body the doll did hide,
for the doll it was a new birth,
to spread evil across the Earth!

Poems by same author at http://boxpoet.awardspace.com

[kozmikdave]

Welcome Boxpoet

You chose a good subject to write about, however it was a bit of a bumpy read in places. In places the need to make it rhyme spoiled the meter and the storyline. I think you could have spent a little more time getting the narrative down and then deciding on the rhyme.

that I will become possesed,
I will become it's nest,

These two lines stuck out a bit because you chose to change tense. Change each "will" to "would" and problem fixed.

In the following line you introduce a garden gnome which doesn't have any other relevance to the story. I would either work him(?) into the story or leave him out. When I hit on him, I thought the story was going to be one of multiple possession and thus more exciting.

Punctuation and spelling needs a bit more work, too.

As I said, great story, but I feel you could have used it better as a vehicle for your poetry. Not a lot to fix up, in my opinion, so get to it and keep those good story lines happening.

Cheers
Dave

[Minstrel]

One day, sitting on my bed
A deformed doll said:
'I'll be with you everywhere'

When I went to work
Again she was there
Staring at me with eye's dark black.

I gave her a light smack.
She said, without moving her lips,
'Soon I will go into you'

Then I knew
I was about to be possesed,
become her nest.

I doubted the garden gnome
As I entered my home
and behind the curtain found

The demon doll, bound.

From the sill it said
'now is the time
into you I climb'

My soul was kicked out
Yet knew she was about.
My soul, cast aside

From where she'd hide
Her new birth
From an innocent earth.


Just my take on it Boxpoet and hopefully to give you an idea of how writing can be condensed. I've tried to keep your rhyme scheme although not sure is really necessary in parts. You could say much more, make it much more sinister if rhyme didn't dictate direction.

Most of your lines don't work grammatically for this reason and look very forced. By forced I mean making the sentence fit the rhyme scheme.

Rhyme can work but is very difficult to do succesfully, because it must appear natural and flow with well pronounced lines and should never be the essence of the poem.

Thankyou for posting and please remember the main rule of the forum: Comment on the work of at least two other people with every poem you post.

Minst.

[Wabznasm]

I agree with everything in the last two comments, in particular the point about how you construct the sentences in order to fit the rhyme which creates problems.

My one extra comment is that at times the narrative jumps too much. In particular the narrator's odd assumption that

from that point onwards I just knew,
that I will become possesed,

The assumption is sudden, too definite and a bit too cold (emotionally) to fit into the theme (which is good).

[twoleftfeet]

Hi BP,

I agree with 99% of what's been said, plus (for me)
did hide
is a real NONO unless you are going for a Nursery-rhyme effect.

Geoff

[kozmikdave]

From your website, I quote

BoxPoet is a new site created for those who love poems that rhyme rather than bland unmelodic poetry.

I have no problems with your aims, as long as you are prepared to work at making your rhyming poems more than nursery rhymes. This is the right forum to try them out and gain experience in rhyming well. It is hard to get it sounding natural and interesting. But please don't discount all unrhyming poetry as bland and uninteresting. You might like to try your hand at producing something that maybe doesn't rhyme, but expresses emotion in a crisp, condensed way - just as an exercise. You may shock yourself.

Waiting to see some comments on other poets' works.

Cheers
Dave

[boxpoet]

OK, i've taken into consideration your views, and have changed the bit:

that I will become possesed,
I will become it's nest,

to:

that I would become possesed,
I would become it's nest,

i've only started writing poetry for the past few months and have much to learn! thanks for the suggestions!

[arunansu]

Much has been said and done about your piece by my earlier critiques, I would only say that I liked the subject, and the changed version by Minstrel sounds much more attractive.
Cheers,
-Arunansu

[boxpoet]

I suppose I did try to create a simple poem that everyone can understand, and not just die-hard poetry fans. A narrative such as this is easy to understand and has melody to it; I suppose my poems do tend to sound like nursery rhymes, but that is sort of what I intended.

[Ryder]

Well, nobody's trying to mould you into any kind of ideal Boxpoet. Very important you keep your own take on poetry and good that you've not been offended or run a mile from the comments. Poetry is a very personal thing and probably one of the most difficult things to share, for lots of reasons.
Seems to me, by the amount of feedback, you've made some kind of impact.
All we can help with is the fundamentals, kind of show you how to lay the bricks, through experience, to build a house of your own design.
In that sense, most of the people here, including myself, are homeless, but we keep trying.

Minstrel (the Ryder tag is a log-in issue, sometimes they won't let me in).

[boxpoet]

I'm going to post another of my poems called Lost in the Mall, and i'm unsure about whether I should post a poem called Birthday Murder; as it's very "morbid" according to one person. If you've been on my site, you have probably already read it:

[kozmikdave]

i'm unsure about whether I should post a poem called Birthday Murder; as it's very "morbid" according to one person

Morbid's good!

Dave

[Gypsy Cake]

This is a good one, Boxpoet.

In my opinion, it's always hard to pull off rhyming; keeping it smooth and unstrained. But think managed it well. I particularly like the first five lines and..
"behind the curtain I frightfully found,
the demon doll on the window sill bound,
it said 'now is the time',
'into you I will now climb',
from my own body I was kicked out,
from the body's black eyes I knew the doll was about,
my soul was now cast aside, "

[Heidi]

Hi Boxpoet...

I appreciate your sense of rhyme. Rhyme for rhyme's sake...I get it. However, I agree with Dave that this does not always work. "Art for art's sake " is one thing, but rhyming just to rhyme can be almost ridiclous. Your poem brought images of several American horror films to mind. One having a possessed doll as the main character (Chucky). Is this poem meant to be over the top and funny?

heidi

[Coyne]

I liked most of it, but the last line just stood out as being particularly bad. I was enjoying it up until the very end where it seems to change tone, in a bad way. But overall, quite good.