Moon & A Lover

[arunansu]

The poetic moon
is as lonely
as a patient lover
waiting in expectation
from eternity.
Bathed in its silvery shimmer
inspecting the faint world
like an admirer
checking up his own creation
with incredulity.


The crescent calls -
Oh my affectionate
as you wait
for your sweet soul mate
get immersed in my
snow-white hue
though I dedicate the Sun
its unpaid due,
only a moonlight
can stay by you
in this lonesome bejeweled night.
Stars may only twinkle
Love can at times dwindle
yet this borrowed gleam
stays
encircling you
enfolding you
even embracing you
making the fervor rekindle
once in a fortnight.

It is here
to keep you
sailing over the tide.

[kozmikdave]

Hmmm. Not bad. I quite enjoyed the read. A new way to look at the moon.

Being a science teacher, I balked at a couple of things:

Bathed in its silvery shimmer
inspecting the faint world
like an admirer
checking up his own creation
with incredulity.

I liked the images here but of course the irony is that the moon was probably born of the earth or the agglomeration of space dust that formed them both. But that does not take away from the image which is strong.

...making the fervor rekindle
once in a fortnight.

Did you not mean once a month? Or is it the crescent that appears once a fortnight? Unfortunately, though it is twice a month, it is hardly fortnightly. (Picky, picky, picky!)

One suggestion:

only a moonshine
can stay by you
in this lonesome bejeweled night.

I might be tempted to change moonshine to moonbeam, as moonshine has associations with strong, bad-tasting liquer.

It is here
to keep you
sailing over the tide.

The ending was a little unexpected and thought provoking. At first I wasn't sure about it, but it is growing on me.

Good read
Thank you
Dave

[arunansu]

Thanks, Dave. First of all, the fornight thing - well I of course meant that the luminiscence is maximum on the full-moon day, and yes it should take two fornights from one Full moon to another.I shall see how that can be done.But when we are in poetry, doesnt science take a backseat?
As for the moonshine or moonbeam, wel, so many times i have used "beam","gleam" and words like that. According to the dictionary also, moonshine primarily means moonlight.That we have attached it to a liquor comes later.
Thank you so much for your comments.
-Arunansu

[pseud]

I like this. I read it as kind of a parody but kind of not. The subject is the moon; not a particularly new or compelling subject, but you describe it well.

The poetic moon
is as lonely
as a patient lover - could delete "patient" since you mention eternity.
waiting in expectation
from eternity.
Bathed in its silvery shimmer
inspecting the faint world
like an admirer
checking up his own creation
with incredulity.


The crescent calls -
O my affectionate
as u wait - this is the only time the standard text message O and U is used in place of "oh" and "you" - any reason?
for your sweet soul mate
get immersed in my
snow-white hue
though I dedicate the Sun
its unpaid due,
only a moonshine - Dave is right - especially for an American like me moonshine has a weird connotation - I imagine old ladies in the Ozarks getting busted for drinking - how about moonlight? rhymes with bejeweled night, anyway.
can stay by you
in this lonesome bejeweled night.
Stars may twinkle - again this is what adds to the "parody" quality for me, as if part of you doesn't take this seriously.
Love may dwindle
yet this borrowed gleam
stays
encircling you
enfolding you
even embracing you - these three kind of repeat in meaning, I think they are kind of redundant. I'd pick one.
making the fervor rekindle
once in a fortnight.

It is here
to keep you
sailing over the tide. - good close.

Hope this helps.

- Caleb

[arunansu]

Thanks pseud, I have edited.
-Arunansu

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

doesnt science take a backseat?

Heresy! Off with her head!
In this case it does get in the way of your intended meaning. I actually didn't really like "fortnight" as it jars a bit anyway, and that may be just my science teacher antennae twitching. I do like to work within the facts and play with the quirky edges of scientific thinking, and contradiction is good if it is obviously put there for a purpose.

Much better with "moonlight", IMO.

Cheers
Dave

[Minstrel]

The moons a sitting duck isn't it. Its a pity its just white and round, there'd be so much we could say about it otherwise. I guess we are just stuck with love and hunting. All the primitive stuff. Mind you, there IS a rabbit on it.

Poems about the moon, solely, or the sun for that 'matter' and correlations with emotion always leave me feeling slightly ripped off.

That said, your writing technique, solely, is good and shifts around nicely, smoothly. Bit like the moon I suppose.

Would like to read something grittier, more down to earth.

Only my opinion.

Minst.

[camus]

Sorry I couldn't offer anything more constructive , but look at this for a moon poem:

Full Moon and Little Frieda

A cool small evening shrunk to a dog bark and the clank of a bucket -
And you listening.
A spider's web, tense for the dew's touch.
A pail lifted, still and brimming - mirror
To tempt a first star to a tremor.

Cows are going home in the lane there, looping the hedges with their warm wreaths of breath -
A dark river of blood, many boulders,
Balancing unspilled milk.
'Moon!' you cry suddenly, 'Moon! Moon!'

The moon has stepped back like an artist gazing amazed at a work
That points at him amazed.

Ted Hughes

[Wabznasm]

I liked this for its desire to be what it is.

The transition into a sort of love poem half way through works and keeps the image fresh. The moon could easily be made a stagnant image if focused on long enough. I think with this poem (and the Ted hughes one), the art of 'moon poetry' is to show the events that arise and surround the moon, even though the moon ironically encircles the events!

Eternity of the moon is a nice touch - it gives us a little more than a straight moon poem as now ideas start to come in that take up much troubled poetry.

A few minor troubles:

The poetic moon I think calling the subject of a poem poetic is a bit silly to be honest. Of course it's poetic, since we've been poetically told how poetic it can be! Also, it is a little ambiguous - what is poetry? It doesn't really add much to the description for me.

Bathed in its silvery shimmer
inspecting the faint world
like an admirer
checking up his own creation
with incredulity.

I think that would be better played around with a bit. I would put "bathed in its silvery shimmer" in parenthesis after "inspecting the faint world", as that way that moon would be described as silver as would the land it is inspecting. I think what the moon looks at is more important than the moon (as the moon has been tackled by so many poets, it's hard to come up with anything new - although you do do well).

Two little touches I like:

even embracing you
Often the little things get to me, and the little thing here is "even". I think that's a fantastic touch. It starts to slow down, become too sentimental, but the even picks the poem up again.

sailing over the tide.

I'm not sure if this was deliberate, but I like the use of the word tide in context of the moon. A small reference to its scientific function which offers some ambiguity and interpretation.

The poem has some nice touches, and deals in a very calm manner (almost knowingly) with a subject it can't really make original. An understated, unambitious poem that really suits the moo d/n (ho ho). Good writing.

Hope this helps
Dave

[boysofsummer]

I very much enjoyed the poem.

Have you ever read, The Moon and the Yew Tree by Plath?
Some v. interesting explorations of the maternity of a feminine moon during a dialouge with the male, Yew Tree.