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camus
- Perspicacious Poster
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So why the silence now ?
Cause you're a paranoid arse?
That aside, fine attempt at disguising your paranoid arsiness.
Particularly enjoyed the richness of this:
to watch the pharaonic bees
gather their syrup sunlight
through sycamores and tamarisks;
Good stuff.
EEEgipt is calling.
Cause you're a paranoid arse?
That aside, fine attempt at disguising your paranoid arsiness.
Particularly enjoyed the richness of this:
to watch the pharaonic bees
gather their syrup sunlight
through sycamores and tamarisks;
Good stuff.
EEEgipt is calling.
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emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
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I love this “Ray Dream.” The richness of language an imagery makes the reader long to take the journey too. The “pharaonic bees” that gather their syrup in sunlight—wonderful and mellifluous! I wanted to make a few comments that I thought would smooth the read a bit. In line one I believe it should be “should have” and not “should of”. Here is a little blurb I found on it:
should and should have
Should combines with the perfect infinitive to form should have + past participle when we want to talk about past events that did not happen, but should have happened. We are talking about an expectation and referring back to past time.
Ray Dream
I should of stayed in Egypt
to watch the pharaonic bees
gather their syrup sunlight
through sycamores and tamarisks;
and watch the smiling crocodiles
amongst the water reeds
stalking the wading white Ibises,
noting their exemplary patience.
(I might find another word for “watch” since you’ve used it already in S2. Something more active perhaps, like I mark the moves of the smiling crocodiles amongst the water reeds. Or to lighten up some of the “ings” in that stanza:
The smiling crocodiles move amongst
the water reads, stalk the wading Ibises
note their exemplary patience.
I might go a little lighter on the “wading white” since the strong noun of Ibises feels strong enough to capture the visual imagery of the predator stalking its prey. It’s just my theory but I believe when you pare down images and use the verbs and nouns to show the reader what is happening, it makes for a simpler and more pronounced visual.
Golden memories is all I have
of the desert sands that swirled
at Gizah that day
under hoofs and marching men;
I would look for something other than “golden memories” since this borders a bit on the cliché and memories are a telling word. Perhaps something visual that captures that golden memory? Love the desert sands that swirled at Gizah under hoofs and marching men!
rising and sweeping
as a storm,
carrying me all the way
back home
for my Coronation as Emperor.
So cruel is this fate,
now I'm reduced to writing
secret letters:
to those who rode
on my coat-tails,
and basked in my honeyed glory.
So why the silence now ?
to all my urgings:
ordering an immediate intrigue,
to set me free from
this [English] volcanic [rock] fortress,
bristling with cannon turrets.
I should of stayed in Egypt
and savoured the rays of victory
washing out muskets and scimatars
and the marmalade turbaned mamalukes.
Lovely and rich read. Hope anything is helpful for you.
E
should and should have
Should combines with the perfect infinitive to form should have + past participle when we want to talk about past events that did not happen, but should have happened. We are talking about an expectation and referring back to past time.
Ray Dream
I should of stayed in Egypt
to watch the pharaonic bees
gather their syrup sunlight
through sycamores and tamarisks;
and watch the smiling crocodiles
amongst the water reeds
stalking the wading white Ibises,
noting their exemplary patience.
(I might find another word for “watch” since you’ve used it already in S2. Something more active perhaps, like I mark the moves of the smiling crocodiles amongst the water reeds. Or to lighten up some of the “ings” in that stanza:
The smiling crocodiles move amongst
the water reads, stalk the wading Ibises
note their exemplary patience.
I might go a little lighter on the “wading white” since the strong noun of Ibises feels strong enough to capture the visual imagery of the predator stalking its prey. It’s just my theory but I believe when you pare down images and use the verbs and nouns to show the reader what is happening, it makes for a simpler and more pronounced visual.
Golden memories is all I have
of the desert sands that swirled
at Gizah that day
under hoofs and marching men;
I would look for something other than “golden memories” since this borders a bit on the cliché and memories are a telling word. Perhaps something visual that captures that golden memory? Love the desert sands that swirled at Gizah under hoofs and marching men!
rising and sweeping
as a storm,
carrying me all the way
back home
for my Coronation as Emperor.
So cruel is this fate,
now I'm reduced to writing
secret letters:
to those who rode
on my coat-tails,
and basked in my honeyed glory.
So why the silence now ?
to all my urgings:
ordering an immediate intrigue,
to set me free from
this [English] volcanic [rock] fortress,
bristling with cannon turrets.
I should of stayed in Egypt
and savoured the rays of victory
washing out muskets and scimatars
and the marmalade turbaned mamalukes.
Lovely and rich read. Hope anything is helpful for you.
E
Thank you E,
Your comments and suggestions are very good
at 2am in the morning writing this, trying to get inside the head of Napoleon, was a challenge.
Yes camus, he was a paranoid, megolomaniac, LOL - this is exactly the feeling I wanted to convey. Exiled twice: Elba, were he escaped right under the British noses, only to be recaptured and finally exiled at St Helena.
cheers
Arco
Your comments and suggestions are very good
at 2am in the morning writing this, trying to get inside the head of Napoleon, was a challenge.
Yes camus, he was a paranoid, megolomaniac, LOL - this is exactly the feeling I wanted to convey. Exiled twice: Elba, were he escaped right under the British noses, only to be recaptured and finally exiled at St Helena.
cheers
Arco
I have revised as per emuse kind suggestions.
bobby,
Napoleon exiled at St Helena, writes secreet messages to his fair-weathered friends, and has dreams (ray) of that fabulous victory at Gizah - Egypt.
Perhaps he should of stayed put, and saved himself defeat at Waterloo.
bobby,
Napoleon exiled at St Helena, writes secreet messages to his fair-weathered friends, and has dreams (ray) of that fabulous victory at Gizah - Egypt.
Perhaps he should of stayed put, and saved himself defeat at Waterloo.
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emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
- Contact:
Hello Arco,
A fine revision indeed. I hope you are happy with it. It reads like an epistolary. One of my favorite poetic styles.
If you have any good books to recommend, let me know. I imagine that's what got you going on this subject.
E
A fine revision indeed. I hope you are happy with it. It reads like an epistolary. One of my favorite poetic styles.
If you have any good books to recommend, let me know. I imagine that's what got you going on this subject.
E
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Robert E. Jordan
Arcadian,
Yes, Napoleon has always been one of my heroes. I’ll never forget what he said about Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord, Prince de Benevent.
“A silk stocking filled with mud.”
Bobby
Yes, Napoleon has always been one of my heroes. I’ll never forget what he said about Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord, Prince de Benevent.
“A silk stocking filled with mud.”
Bobby
E, Bobby
Thanks for the comments, for books/references, Emuse ( literature on Napoleon is a vast field) try the following
(1) Napoleon & Wellington by Andrew Roberts - a good relationship study between two greatest generals
(2) anything of "Napoleonic Egypt" nature eg Vivant Denon's - travels to Upper and Lower Egypt - he was appointed curator of the Louvre by Napoleon, and also by Taschen publisher - "Description of Egypt" ( how it was then in 1798 - vivant drew the sketches etc )
(3) any correspondences by Alex Rhind, Sir Gardner Wilkins, W R Hamilton etc
Bobby some more Napoleon quotes
At twenty-nine years of age I have exhausted everything. It only remains for me to become a complete egotist.
The Revolution is over. I am the revolution.
What is a throne? A bit of wood covered with velvet.
The most difficult thing is to discern the enemy's plans, and to detect the truth in all reports one receives; the remainder requires only common sense.
hope that helps
Arco
Thanks for the comments, for books/references, Emuse ( literature on Napoleon is a vast field) try the following
(1) Napoleon & Wellington by Andrew Roberts - a good relationship study between two greatest generals
(2) anything of "Napoleonic Egypt" nature eg Vivant Denon's - travels to Upper and Lower Egypt - he was appointed curator of the Louvre by Napoleon, and also by Taschen publisher - "Description of Egypt" ( how it was then in 1798 - vivant drew the sketches etc )
(3) any correspondences by Alex Rhind, Sir Gardner Wilkins, W R Hamilton etc
Bobby some more Napoleon quotes
At twenty-nine years of age I have exhausted everything. It only remains for me to become a complete egotist.
The Revolution is over. I am the revolution.
What is a throne? A bit of wood covered with velvet.
The most difficult thing is to discern the enemy's plans, and to detect the truth in all reports one receives; the remainder requires only common sense.
hope that helps
Arco
Well accomplished, Arco. It’s always good to be reading your work.. you pay so much attention to language and because of this, the imagery lifts off the page. What a way to start..
‘I should have stayed in Egypt
to watch the pharaonic bees
gather their syrup sunlight
through sycamores and tamarisks,
and note the exemplary patience
of the smiling crocodiles
amongst the water reeds
stalking the wading Ibises.’
but everything after is just as good.. especially the way you develop the first line differently at the end of the poem, showing his glory.
Getting inside Napoleon’s head at 2 in the morning doesn’t even bear thinking about!
Lia
‘I should have stayed in Egypt
to watch the pharaonic bees
gather their syrup sunlight
through sycamores and tamarisks,
and note the exemplary patience
of the smiling crocodiles
amongst the water reeds
stalking the wading Ibises.’
but everything after is just as good.. especially the way you develop the first line differently at the end of the poem, showing his glory.
Getting inside Napoleon’s head at 2 in the morning doesn’t even bear thinking about!
Lia
This is a good one, Arco. Some great phrases, most of which have been spotted and praised by previous posters. Funny enough, I never thought of the sycamore as an Egyptian tree. Surprise!
All I can add is a few quibbles, I'm afraid - I still find the title a bit obscure, even after your explanation, and you could check the spelling of "scimitars" and "mamelukes" in the last verse - but all in all it's excellent.
Everybody seems to have praised the opening, especially, but they're right - rich, gorgeous, shimmering - a veritable mirage!
Finally, on the subject of Napoleon, if you can make the commitment, have a go at War and Peace. Tolstoy doesn't have much time for Napoleon at all.
Cheers
David
All I can add is a few quibbles, I'm afraid - I still find the title a bit obscure, even after your explanation, and you could check the spelling of "scimitars" and "mamelukes" in the last verse - but all in all it's excellent.
Everybody seems to have praised the opening, especially, but they're right - rich, gorgeous, shimmering - a veritable mirage!
Finally, on the subject of Napoleon, if you can make the commitment, have a go at War and Peace. Tolstoy doesn't have much time for Napoleon at all.
Cheers
David