jzhoop!

[kozmikdave]

The universe -
yin-yang
vapour trails
backmasking time
dilating
constricting

smoke
from inception
exploding
evolving
expanding
‘til thoughts of Eden
evaporate

rain
counter-precipitating
for tomorrow never knows

big
jzhoop

[juliadebeauvoir]

Nice way to wind back the the inverted big bang. I am not for one liner poems but this really works and I didn't have to work too hard to figure out where you were going. Jzoop? Is that a Kozism or a real Australian word?


Cheers,
Kimberly

[Arcadian]

kozy,

is jzhoop a rap artist ??? - is it a typo ? should it be jazz hoop ?? ; are you having a 'piece' of the jazz improvisational technique ?: are you saying there is a similarity to the big bang -- chicken-soup soul, new-age stuff etc etc ?

[hephaestes]

I like this poem. Open-ended, yet verbally strong. Does that make sense?

Silly nits:

()=add
//=comment

The universe’(s) // I think you want the possessive; don't you need the s?
// the line break is good, but on some reads I bring "yin-yang to L1
yin-yang

Thanks for the read,
Heph

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Play a note backwards and you get the title.

Funny story: My sister thought her husband was having an affair with a German woman (he was German) because of the strange singinging on her tape recorder. She eventually realised it was her own singing playing backwards on the (reel-to-reel) tape. Apparently she wasn't looking for the jzhoop.

Cheers for the positives. Universe's - hmmm! [BTW welcome hephaestes] too many "s"s, but you have pointed out a flaw that was not intentional. Have removed the apostrophe and gone for more of a break. Hope that resolves it.

Happy Oestrus
Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Dave,

Very interesting, and I like the Beatles reference - that track has loads of
"backwards" sounds in it!

Just a thought - "condense" rather than "evaporate"?

Geoff

[dedalus]

Nice one, Dave. Does this mean Paul is really dead after all??

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

...I like the Beatles reference - that track has loads of
"backwards" sounds in it!

Getting there, Geoff (and Ded)! What was being played backwards in it?

Geoff, I like your suggestion. I thought of changing the whole of section 2, but I'm not sure if that would work.

smoke
from inception
imploding
revolving
squeezing
‘til thoughts of Eden
condense

What do you think?

Cheers
Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Dave,

The new version is better IMHO, especially "Revolving", of course!

I give up - what was being played backwards?

Geoff

[thoke]

I don't think you should get rid of the four E's (exploding, evolving, expanding... evaporate). They made me race through the second stanza at a fun speed. I'm not overly keen on this subject matter, or one-word lines, but that's just me.

I think the "big jzhoop" is perfect, though.

Ben

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Yeah, hard to know, maybe the "e"s is the way to go.

Geoff, for tomorrow never knows was written on top of Rain played backwards.

Just a fun idea.
Dave