Peter Pan Died Last Night
Whimsical creatures of flickering light
Came streaming through my window last night
Looking for a boy of cheerful delight
Found only man of distressing spite
Peter Pan died last night
In screaming anguish in his bed he lay
Unable to remember what it was like to play
His once joyous heart lay flayed
Opened to life’s eternal decay
Peter Pan died today
The treasures of childhood covered in dust
Trophies and Tonka’s eaten by rust
Gone were the vices of childlike lust
Replaced by a soulless blackened crust
Peter Pan became an empty husk
Curled in fetal an old man weeps
Grieving the promises he can never keep
To offspring that time will sweep
Into endless oblivion of eternal sleep
Peter Pan lay in a heap
Once upon a time was a boy
With boundless and endless joy
A mischief maker of untold ploy
Enticing all to come and enjoy
Peter Pan has lost his joy
As night moves toward beauteous dawn
Creatures of mirth are bid to be gone
Toward laughter of children they will be drawn
Backs turned from withered brawn
Peter Pan is forever gone
Peter Pan Died Last Night
-
kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday Dagdason (can I call you Dag?)
I echo Nicola's comment on you first poem. The rules are pretty simple to read and understand. Besides you get more out of being here if you do your crits.
Follow the link to the rules
viewtopic.php?t=2605
Cheers
Dave
I echo Nicola's comment on you first poem. The rules are pretty simple to read and understand. Besides you get more out of being here if you do your crits.
Follow the link to the rules
viewtopic.php?t=2605
Cheers
Dave
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Hi Dag...
Good job with the rhymes. I enjoyed the central theme...since I,myself am sort of a "Peter Pan". Using a literary/fairy tale character was symbolic and can imply a variety of things, metaphorically speaking. Each stanza was short and concise...good organized poem. Nice work.
heidi
Good job with the rhymes. I enjoyed the central theme...since I,myself am sort of a "Peter Pan". Using a literary/fairy tale character was symbolic and can imply a variety of things, metaphorically speaking. Each stanza was short and concise...good organized poem. Nice work.
heidi
-
Gypsy Cake
- Posts: 45
- Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:17 pm
- Location: Essex, UK
- Contact:
I thought you used rhyme and vocabulary well. Though I prefer the message to remain hidden until the end of the poem. It was clear immediately in this case.
A good poem and a good meaning.
Dec
ps. make sure you go and do some reviews. the more you participate the better the advice you recieve will be.
A good poem and a good meaning.
Dec
ps. make sure you go and do some reviews. the more you participate the better the advice you recieve will be.
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
I liked the narrative and the rhymes here, but thought you let yourself down with the rhythm of the piece.
The second stanza seemed rather tortured, as you struggled to maintain both rhyme and rhythm.
Not sure about the order of the verses, or rather, their final lines.
Peter Pan died last night
Peter Pan died today
Peter Pan became an empty husk
Peter Pan lay in a heap
Peter Pan has lost his joy
Peter Pan is forever gone
Could it be rearranged to get ever more dramatic, so 3, 4 and 5 become 1, 2 and 3? This would delay revealing the message.
How about ending with a newspaper headline?
Peter Pan: Forever Gone
The second stanza seemed rather tortured, as you struggled to maintain both rhyme and rhythm.
Not sure about the order of the verses, or rather, their final lines.
Peter Pan died last night
Peter Pan died today
Peter Pan became an empty husk
Peter Pan lay in a heap
Peter Pan has lost his joy
Peter Pan is forever gone
Could it be rearranged to get ever more dramatic, so 3, 4 and 5 become 1, 2 and 3? This would delay revealing the message.
How about ending with a newspaper headline?
Peter Pan: Forever Gone
yo,
On one hand I absolutely love this poem; it is concise, neat, clever and really well written. And I think it has a good sense of rhythm all the way through.
I too, like oranggunung, am not too sure about the peter pan sentences at the end of verses. Although it adds to the flow, I am not sure about the general order.
It is a double edged sword, I think you were at times constrained by making it rhyme. But the reason why it is so clever is because for the most part, you have done it exceptionally well.
All in all, I think it is really very good.
kidult
On one hand I absolutely love this poem; it is concise, neat, clever and really well written. And I think it has a good sense of rhythm all the way through.
I too, like oranggunung, am not too sure about the peter pan sentences at the end of verses. Although it adds to the flow, I am not sure about the general order.
It is a double edged sword, I think you were at times constrained by making it rhyme. But the reason why it is so clever is because for the most part, you have done it exceptionally well.
All in all, I think it is really very good.
kidult
Having given up on writing so many years ago and finally renewing my passion for it, you observations and critiques has brought to me the affirmation that I indeed enjoy this method of expression and will contnue to endeavor to bring such thoughts to others of like mind.
I spent some time rearranging the stanzas and would invite you to review it with the same considerations as my first post.
Again my profoundest appreciation
Dag
'Peter Pan Died Last Night'
Once upon a time was a boy
With boundless and endless joy
A mischief maker of untold ploy
Enticing all to come and enjoy
Peter Pan has lost his joy
The treasures of childhood covered in dust
Trophies and Tonka’s eaten by rust
Gone were the vices of childlike lust
Replaced by a soulless blackened crust
Peter Pan is an empty husk
Curled in fetal an old man weeps
Grieving the promises he can never keep
To offspring that time will sweep
Into endless oblivion of eternal sleep
Peter Pan lay in a heap
In screaming anguish in his bed he lay
Unable to remember what it was like to play
His once joyous heart lay flayed
Opened to life’s eternal decay
Peter Pan does fade away
Whimsical creatures of flickering light
Came streaming through my window last night
Looking for a boy of cheerful delight
Found only man of distressing spite
Peter Pan no longer takes flight
As night moves toward beauteous dawn
Creatures of mirth are bid to be gone
Toward laughter of children they’ll drawn
Backs turned from withered brawn
Peter Pan is forever gone
I spent some time rearranging the stanzas and would invite you to review it with the same considerations as my first post.
Again my profoundest appreciation
Dag
'Peter Pan Died Last Night'
Once upon a time was a boy
With boundless and endless joy
A mischief maker of untold ploy
Enticing all to come and enjoy
Peter Pan has lost his joy
The treasures of childhood covered in dust
Trophies and Tonka’s eaten by rust
Gone were the vices of childlike lust
Replaced by a soulless blackened crust
Peter Pan is an empty husk
Curled in fetal an old man weeps
Grieving the promises he can never keep
To offspring that time will sweep
Into endless oblivion of eternal sleep
Peter Pan lay in a heap
In screaming anguish in his bed he lay
Unable to remember what it was like to play
His once joyous heart lay flayed
Opened to life’s eternal decay
Peter Pan does fade away
Whimsical creatures of flickering light
Came streaming through my window last night
Looking for a boy of cheerful delight
Found only man of distressing spite
Peter Pan no longer takes flight
As night moves toward beauteous dawn
Creatures of mirth are bid to be gone
Toward laughter of children they’ll drawn
Backs turned from withered brawn
Peter Pan is forever gone