Light the first light of evening
In which we rest and, for small reason, think
The world imagined is the ultimate good.
...
--Wallace Stevens
I think I’d like to be the victim of a violent crime. Not the kind
where someone tears off your skin layer by layer. I want a fellow
to rip off my head quick and dirty, after I’ve had hundreds of
martinis. It wouldn’t be much different from a visit to the dentist,
and it would pale waiting in the hallway for you to close your
husband’s door. That said, since this my final speech, you look
great in that dress red and low-cut. How I’d love to dive between
your breasts, but I’ve got death on my mind. You can’t kill yourself
twice so you must be careful to schedule the perfect death-tryst.
Not the slip-on-the-banana peel variety – a clown might give it up
that way, but honey, I’m looking for where in the cabinet you put
the slings and arrows, the ripe dagger, the god-forsaken poison
that smells like pecans, nuts we called the fruit of love. So, so long.
Thank you for that jar of olives. I couldn’t cut off an ear, but here’s
a fingernail, it’s a bit old. Your car will be in my driveway,
you don’t want the bus to be my last ride, although I hear
it’s full of violence.
Soliloquy of an Unnerved Paramour
Heph,
Great to see a fan of Stevens.
There are moments in this poem that get better with every read, but there are parts of it that I don't particularly like.
I am not a huge fan of the first stanza and a little bit of the second. It's the voice, for me, that mars it.
The rest of the poem feels very conscious and deliberately written, but this first part:
I think I’d like to be the victim of a violent crime. Not the kind
where someone tears off your skin layer by layer. I want a fellow
to rip off my head quick and dirty, after I’ve had hundreds of
martinis.
feels flippantly written. It reads as too natural and thus I think it appears slightly thoughtless.
The association of: It wouldn’t be much different from a visit to the dentist, is in sort of the same territory. This association is too brief and feels as though the association is one the writer is proud of and yet does not really care about (afterwards). It's a bit too self-consciously polemic and almost student newspaper-y.
But you can find fault in this criticism since it is entirely subjective really. I like to see a great deliberate-ness in poetry and so this critique is ultimately flawed.
But to me, at least, this first stanza is not a strong start.
From then on, however, it picks up.
That said, since this my final speech, you look
great in that dress red and low-cut. is a great passage. I love the unsettling (and unnerving!) contradiction between the dramatics of the 'final speach' and the uselessness of the observation.
How I’d love to dive between I'm wary about this since I see this as a little cliched.
I’m looking for where in the cabinet you put
the slings and arrows, the ripe dagger, the god-forsaken poison
that smells like pecans
is a very nice touch, especially the deliberate use of obviously anachronistic items - as though the suicidee is trying to aggrandise his situation by making it as dramatic and as important as possible.
nuts we called the fruit of love. So, so long.
I don't dislike the sentiment here, I just don't like how you tackle it. 'fruits of love' makes me cringe a little. I think 'So, so long' would work after a line break. To isolate it.
But I think the final stanza is thoroughly excellent. You got across exactly what I wanted to hear; that this imaginary world or suicide he is in is actually ridiculous and you contrast the reality (in the final stanza) to the self-important build up throughout the poem. It smoothly brings Stevens back into it. The world he imagined really was the ultimately good place for him, the imagination is where we can be as dramatic and as important as we'd like. Outside of that, though, we are nothing and as dramatic as a bus ride. The light touch of optimism at the end (' full of violence' ) makes me smile too. (Speaking of which, I like how you make a violent scene an optimistic one).
Oh and one thing.
I don't want to be nit picky, but it's usually a given here that people supply at least two criticisms before they post something. I know you have supplied two, but you have given us four of your poems. It's a bit unfair to expect detailed criticism without giving it. Especially if you flood the board with your work too.
Try and maintain a fair ratio in the future. Without that ratio, this forum would fall on its arse and you wouldn't get any criticisms.
Cheers
Dave
Great to see a fan of Stevens.
There are moments in this poem that get better with every read, but there are parts of it that I don't particularly like.
I am not a huge fan of the first stanza and a little bit of the second. It's the voice, for me, that mars it.
The rest of the poem feels very conscious and deliberately written, but this first part:
I think I’d like to be the victim of a violent crime. Not the kind
where someone tears off your skin layer by layer. I want a fellow
to rip off my head quick and dirty, after I’ve had hundreds of
martinis.
feels flippantly written. It reads as too natural and thus I think it appears slightly thoughtless.
The association of: It wouldn’t be much different from a visit to the dentist, is in sort of the same territory. This association is too brief and feels as though the association is one the writer is proud of and yet does not really care about (afterwards). It's a bit too self-consciously polemic and almost student newspaper-y.
But you can find fault in this criticism since it is entirely subjective really. I like to see a great deliberate-ness in poetry and so this critique is ultimately flawed.
But to me, at least, this first stanza is not a strong start.
From then on, however, it picks up.
That said, since this my final speech, you look
great in that dress red and low-cut. is a great passage. I love the unsettling (and unnerving!) contradiction between the dramatics of the 'final speach' and the uselessness of the observation.
How I’d love to dive between I'm wary about this since I see this as a little cliched.
I’m looking for where in the cabinet you put
the slings and arrows, the ripe dagger, the god-forsaken poison
that smells like pecans
is a very nice touch, especially the deliberate use of obviously anachronistic items - as though the suicidee is trying to aggrandise his situation by making it as dramatic and as important as possible.
nuts we called the fruit of love. So, so long.
I don't dislike the sentiment here, I just don't like how you tackle it. 'fruits of love' makes me cringe a little. I think 'So, so long' would work after a line break. To isolate it.
But I think the final stanza is thoroughly excellent. You got across exactly what I wanted to hear; that this imaginary world or suicide he is in is actually ridiculous and you contrast the reality (in the final stanza) to the self-important build up throughout the poem. It smoothly brings Stevens back into it. The world he imagined really was the ultimately good place for him, the imagination is where we can be as dramatic and as important as we'd like. Outside of that, though, we are nothing and as dramatic as a bus ride. The light touch of optimism at the end (' full of violence' ) makes me smile too. (Speaking of which, I like how you make a violent scene an optimistic one).
Oh and one thing.
I don't want to be nit picky, but it's usually a given here that people supply at least two criticisms before they post something. I know you have supplied two, but you have given us four of your poems. It's a bit unfair to expect detailed criticism without giving it. Especially if you flood the board with your work too.
Try and maintain a fair ratio in the future. Without that ratio, this forum would fall on its arse and you wouldn't get any criticisms.
Cheers
Dave
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
I'm afraid I don't know Stephens (shame on me), so will try to find areas outside that frame of reference to comment on.
Right at the beginning, the narrator is talking about their death, but they only say 'crime'. Surely this should be some synonym for death to give a clear statement on intent. The violence is incidental too, so it seems, as the key to the endpoint is that it is quick. Under such circumstances, this might seem like the bestowal of reward so perhaps 'recipient', rather than 'victim', might work.
Frankly, I don't see the similarity between death and a visit to the dentist. To date, I've always come back with my head attached.
The distracted nature of the narration in verse 2 seems playful and I enjoyed it. Has something gone awry with the punctuation or language there.
Should it be since this is my final speech ?
Or are there some commas missing?
Perhaps after the word dress, there might be some punctuation to accentuate a pause or derailment of the narrator. Perhaps an ellipsis after low-cut? That could avoid any narration about the physique of the woman at all, and leave the readers to their imaginations. The word 'but' might serve as a stronger jolt to the reader then, when the narrator gets back on-topic.
I was greatly amused by the pathetic token of a fingernail.
This was something of a curate's egg for me. I'd be interested to see what changes, if any, you make.
og
Right at the beginning, the narrator is talking about their death, but they only say 'crime'. Surely this should be some synonym for death to give a clear statement on intent. The violence is incidental too, so it seems, as the key to the endpoint is that it is quick. Under such circumstances, this might seem like the bestowal of reward so perhaps 'recipient', rather than 'victim', might work.
Frankly, I don't see the similarity between death and a visit to the dentist. To date, I've always come back with my head attached.
The distracted nature of the narration in verse 2 seems playful and I enjoyed it. Has something gone awry with the punctuation or language there.
Should it be since this is my final speech ?
Or are there some commas missing?
Perhaps after the word dress, there might be some punctuation to accentuate a pause or derailment of the narrator. Perhaps an ellipsis after low-cut? That could avoid any narration about the physique of the woman at all, and leave the readers to their imaginations. The word 'but' might serve as a stronger jolt to the reader then, when the narrator gets back on-topic.
I was greatly amused by the pathetic token of a fingernail.
This was something of a curate's egg for me. I'd be interested to see what changes, if any, you make.
og
Ah, yes. Sheer brilliant except for the closing line:
Thank you for that jar of olives. I couldn’t cut off an ear, but here’s
a fingernail, it’s a bit old. Your car will be in my driveway,
you don’t want the bus to be my last ride, although I hear
it’s full of violence.
What about
Thank you for that jar of olives. I couldn’t cut off an ear, but here’s
a fingernail, it’s a bit old. Your car will be in my driveway,
you don’t want the bus to be my last ride, although I hear
it coughs and stumbles, rundown and running on empty.
Or the like. You need to round things out with a full-length line hinting at ordinary/familiar disengaged menace.
What I'd do, anyway: just a suggestion.
Very, very good stuff indeed. This poem sings!
Thank you for that jar of olives. I couldn’t cut off an ear, but here’s
a fingernail, it’s a bit old. Your car will be in my driveway,
you don’t want the bus to be my last ride, although I hear
it’s full of violence.
What about
Thank you for that jar of olives. I couldn’t cut off an ear, but here’s
a fingernail, it’s a bit old. Your car will be in my driveway,
you don’t want the bus to be my last ride, although I hear
it coughs and stumbles, rundown and running on empty.
Or the like. You need to round things out with a full-length line hinting at ordinary/familiar disengaged menace.
What I'd do, anyway: just a suggestion.
Very, very good stuff indeed. This poem sings!