trees all painted black
like sillouettes like
shadows dancing front to back
flowers over graves
weeping red and yellow tears
children walking by
and picking up those tears
trees all painted white
like virgin eyes that
haunt me through the night
trees
Welcome to Hell.
The first and last verse form a sort of symmetrical shell around a strange middle.
I don't think that the last two lines of V2 do too well -
children walking by
and picking up those tears - doesn't sound quite right to me. It's also a little bland compared with the rest of the poem. Why not make slightly atmospheric
flowers over graves
weeping red and yellow tears
silent children gliding by
gathering those shedding tears --- just a thought
Good first post
Barrie
The first and last verse form a sort of symmetrical shell around a strange middle.
I don't think that the last two lines of V2 do too well -
children walking by
and picking up those tears - doesn't sound quite right to me. It's also a little bland compared with the rest of the poem. Why not make slightly atmospheric
flowers over graves
weeping red and yellow tears
silent children gliding by
gathering those shedding tears --- just a thought
Good first post
Barrie
Welcome to the forum.
The pace of this poem is what surprises me the most. I wanted to read it slowly, but couldn't stop for a second.
There are moments of repetition in this:
like sillouettes like - I assume it's deliberate, to sort of link 'sillhouettes' so to speak (and to bring in an internal rhyme?). But I don't like it. As an individual line, it reads badly and seems to almost try and justify itself by being slightly odd. But that's a personal take on it.
weeping red and yellow tears
children walking by
and picking up those tears -
two things. Firstly, the repetition of 'tears', again, does not read well. Secondly, and this is sort of tacked on to barrie's point, would the last line be worth altering a bit? I personally think 'children walking by' is fine, but the line following is bland compared to the rest.
An odd, but understandable change of colour in the final stanza. But, I don't think haunt me through the night works. It appears cliched to me.
As barrie said, this is an elusive poem. But, I can see patterns turning throughout this poem. First the tree, then its silhouette, then its shadow, turning to a grave, the spell of death. Children wander along, become new, contrast the colours, turn the trees to white and offer hope to the omniscient sleeper (?). If that's a correct reading, then I don't think 'haunt' is the correct word. However, I surmise I've missed the point somewhat.
I assume the graves and the children are the main objects/events in the poem. If so, a metaphor both starting and ending the poem is an odd touch (not in a bad way, more in an eyebrow raising way). As though the poem begins in a more intangible universe and becomes more literal before gliding once again in to wherever it was at the beginning. Or it could be a string of images used for mood and sound. Please enlighten me.
An interesting read,
I hope something of that helps -
Dave
The pace of this poem is what surprises me the most. I wanted to read it slowly, but couldn't stop for a second.
There are moments of repetition in this:
like sillouettes like - I assume it's deliberate, to sort of link 'sillhouettes' so to speak (and to bring in an internal rhyme?). But I don't like it. As an individual line, it reads badly and seems to almost try and justify itself by being slightly odd. But that's a personal take on it.
weeping red and yellow tears
children walking by
and picking up those tears -
two things. Firstly, the repetition of 'tears', again, does not read well. Secondly, and this is sort of tacked on to barrie's point, would the last line be worth altering a bit? I personally think 'children walking by' is fine, but the line following is bland compared to the rest.
An odd, but understandable change of colour in the final stanza. But, I don't think haunt me through the night works. It appears cliched to me.
As barrie said, this is an elusive poem. But, I can see patterns turning throughout this poem. First the tree, then its silhouette, then its shadow, turning to a grave, the spell of death. Children wander along, become new, contrast the colours, turn the trees to white and offer hope to the omniscient sleeper (?). If that's a correct reading, then I don't think 'haunt' is the correct word. However, I surmise I've missed the point somewhat.
I assume the graves and the children are the main objects/events in the poem. If so, a metaphor both starting and ending the poem is an odd touch (not in a bad way, more in an eyebrow raising way). As though the poem begins in a more intangible universe and becomes more literal before gliding once again in to wherever it was at the beginning. Or it could be a string of images used for mood and sound. Please enlighten me.
An interesting read,
I hope something of that helps -
Dave
-
donjuaninhell
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2007 8:52 pm
thanks for the critique, it's all very to the point. this was actually longer, and lyrics to a song i wrote, that as a stand-alone poem didn't really work so i had to shorten it down. anyway, i agree with Wabznasm said about the second line . . . it is rather dull. and the last line is bad as well. also, sillouettes and shadows is pretty redundant, so i changed that. otherwise, i don't really want to change the line about the children because its simplicity lends it strength, at least in my mind, but it doesn't quite work how i'd like it to so I had to change it a little. anyway:
song
trees all painted black
like sillouettes
dancing front to back
flowers growing over graves
weep red and yellow tears--
and children walking by
pick up those fallen tears
trees all painted white
like virgin eyes
alone at night
song
trees all painted black
like sillouettes
dancing front to back
flowers growing over graves
weep red and yellow tears--
and children walking by
pick up those fallen tears
trees all painted white
like virgin eyes
alone at night
-
donjuaninhell
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2007 8:52 pm
this poem appeared on another site; if anyone is familiar with the frequency of this sort of thing (i'm not terribly upset by it, almost (but not really) flattered as this isn't by any means my best work) or any of that sort of shtick. and thanks again for the critique barrie and wabznasm
-
Bombadil
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2672
- Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 6:38 pm
- Location: The hills are my home, the mountains where I roam.
- Contact:
DJ,
Maybe it's just me, but I think of the Rolling Stones straight out of the gate. The whole painted black git, I suppose. Then there's Billie Holiday, too.
I do like the use of colors, this is a fun thing to run with.
Not sure about virgins' eyes being painted. Could they be glassed white like the moon on a birch's bark?
Hope something I said hits.
Cheers,
A.S.
Maybe it's just me, but I think of the Rolling Stones straight out of the gate. The whole painted black git, I suppose. Then there's Billie Holiday, too.
I do like the use of colors, this is a fun thing to run with.
Not sure about virgins' eyes being painted. Could they be glassed white like the moon on a birch's bark?
Hope something I said hits.
Cheers,
A.S.
-
thoke
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 995
- Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 10:33 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Nottingham
I like the first two stanzas, though I'm not sure what they mean exactly. It's good that you make the second line symmetrical by putting the line break after the second 'like'. That also creates a sense of childish impatience or urgency, which I think complements the image of dancing shadows. But I don't quite understand why the trees are painted black, nor what you mean by 'front to back'.
The second stanza sounds good. I like the petals as metaphors for tears, as it highlights the emotional significance of flowers left by a grave, something which the children are blissfully unaware of. I like the repetition of 'tears'. The whole image reminds me of this:
As for the last stanza... again, I'm not sure why the trees are painted. since when are virgin eyes white? Why do virgin eyes haunt you through the night? The last line is pretty bland and unoriginal - quite disappointing.
On the whole, I think there's some good stuff here, but the only part that makes any sense to me is the graveyard image with the flowers and children. I suspect that the final lines of the first and last stanzas may have been attempts at fitting with the rhyme scheme, rather than attempts at actually adding something meaningful to the poem. Maybe you coul do away with the rhyming and just try to clarify the tree images?
Not bad,
Ben
The second stanza sounds good. I like the petals as metaphors for tears, as it highlights the emotional significance of flowers left by a grave, something which the children are blissfully unaware of. I like the repetition of 'tears'. The whole image reminds me of this:
http://www.webwedding.co.uk/articles/me ... heaven.htmYeats wrote:But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
As for the last stanza... again, I'm not sure why the trees are painted. since when are virgin eyes white? Why do virgin eyes haunt you through the night? The last line is pretty bland and unoriginal - quite disappointing.
On the whole, I think there's some good stuff here, but the only part that makes any sense to me is the graveyard image with the flowers and children. I suspect that the final lines of the first and last stanzas may have been attempts at fitting with the rhyme scheme, rather than attempts at actually adding something meaningful to the poem. Maybe you coul do away with the rhyming and just try to clarify the tree images?
Not bad,
Ben
-
Incusblack
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2007 5:05 pm
- Location: B'ham, AL, USA
I too wondered why the trees were painted white or black. It reminds me of one of those indie songs where you don't care what it means because it sounds pretty with a guitar. I do think I understand what you meaan by the white virgin eyes bit though? You were simply saying pure and unblemished like the eyes of one who has never looked on evil, right? Anyway, I'm sure it works better as a simple, somewhat opaque and haunting song that we don't understand but find ourselves humming. -Inc
Had you kept with ur beginning and the quirkyness and used white instead of 'night' then this would have achieved something more for me anway, meanwhileilike it the back to back etc of the first verse - imagery and words!
trees all painted white
like virgin eyes that
haunt me through the night
trees all painted white
like virgin eyes that
haunt me through the night