butterfly

[donjuaninhell]

sister marie
did you wait for me
did you break apart
like a glass thrown at the ground
or a wave upon a rock
sister marie

the butterfly, do you
remember the day
you came to my door
my brothers half-dressed
and you gave me a butterfly
cased in glass

that's when you left, and
left for good, left all
the places that you'd known
all the sun and faces
of people from the past
that stick in your teeth

sister marie
sow your seeds
of woe and vanity
sister marie
we were always lovers
in my thoughts

and so it comes to this,
comes to black and white,
comes to the songs of
day and the songs of night
and comes to hate and love
and less than enough

of dignity, of being
free, to those shadows in
your eyes and the writing
on the wall
that is written in my soul
by you and you alone

sister marie
sister marie
my story's told
my heart is spent
and everything i am
has burned like yesterday

*redraft below

[Babbit]

Hey, I'm very new to this site and this is my first critique/comment on a poem (well since English A-level)...
The lack of capitals is both intriguing and vaguely perturbing to me as I read through. The intermittent commas mean this is not read as a continuous prose, but the lack of title capitals makes this read like continuous thoughts, and gives the poem an urgency. I think this is reflected in the imagery of S1, and the repetition throughout of Sister Marie. Perhaps more punctuation would enable the reader to hold onto the imagery for longer, and possibly serve to emphasise the urgency rather than rush the poem.
I like the use of 'dressed' and 'glass' as an awkward half-rhyme, and the repetition ties this stanza together, as with the first. The imagery of a butterfly cased in glass contrasts nicely to the opening stanza when the glass is smashed. The use of 'stick in your teeth' reinforces that perturbing sense you evoke throughout the poem - it is not a description that sits comfortably, especially juxtaposed against the image of 'sun and faces'. I like it.
Clever use of 'teeth' and 'thoughts' - these almost take the place of full stops to disjoint the poem. Sowing seeds and introducing the narrator's thoughts of a romance with Sister Marie is perhaps a connection accentuated rather obviously?
You write with simplicity and clarity which is refreshing. The imagery is brazen, which suits this poem - I think that punctuation is needed in a greater degree. The title, butterfly, is an interesting choice - perhaps you could have continued the idea of smashed glass and a butterfly throughout the poem, may have been used to reinforce the fact she has left him? Perhaps a tad cliche?
Hmmm hope this critique-type thing is ok, I think I should improve as I read more stuff.

[Bombadil]

DJ,

You have some interesting themes here. Some great potentials. Unfortunately, you also have loads of clichés, near zero punctuation and a smidge to much vaguery.

Expounding:

You need to ditch phrases like "wave upon a rock" "sow your seeds" "stick in your teeth" et. al. This is not an original theme you're dealing with so you need to present in a way so as to set it apart.

Punctuation: I've butted heads with folks before and I still say the poet needs to direct the reader, and that this is done chiefly through punctuation.


I know I've not critiqued you before, so sorry if it's a bit much for the first time out the gate.

Keep posting.

Cheers,

A.S.

[donjuaninhell]

hey Babbit, welcome to the forum, and thanks for taking the time to critique my poem. it was very helpful, and i've wrote a second draft which has some of the same stanzas, but three or four were thrown out completely b/c i didn't like them etc, and to follow what you said about the title. also, thanks Absolon for striking down all my petty phrases so i could find something better . . . i hope i've done just that . . . though i kept the line about the teeth because it's such a strange rhythm and has such a powerful stop to it. anyway:

sister marie
do i carry thee
or did you break apart
like glass thrown at the floor,
or a voice against the door
sister marie.

the butterfly,
do you remember the day
you came to my house
my brothers half-dressed,
and you gave me a butterfly
cased in glass.

that's when you left, and
left for good, left all
the places that you'd known
all the sun and faces
of people from the past
that stick in your teeth.

sister marie
i fell into a stream
and it washed my heart away
sister marie
my hands are full
of ashes,

ashes i hope are yours
and not my own remains,
for a butterfly
behind glass
is just a name
without a past.

sister marie
did i wake thee
or did i break thee
like glass thrown at the floor,
or a voice against the door
sister marie.

[emuse]

Dear DJ,

There is a true sense of longing in the poem which comes through. That's the power of it. But like A.S. said, there is still a matter of cliche even with the redraft. "Thee" is also archaic and I wouldn't go for it unless the entire poem was written in a the style of that period.

Here is the heart of your poem. This is a true image that you can build on:

sister marie.

the butterfly,
do you remember the day
you came to my house
my brothers half-dressed,
and you gave me a butterfly
cased in glass.

A beautiful strophe. I would start the poem here and focus on that one day. Tie it into the sensual nature of the moment, sounds, tastes, perceptions, nature, those things that you can pull from. If you can't recall them, invent them. A great poem engages all the senses.

I will suggest that you read some poetry. Who are you favorite poets and why? When you see what they do, it will be the best of help to you.

E

[Dorothy Doyle Mienko]

in my thoughts,
we were lovers

I am a bit of a minimalist in my poetry so tend to look for ways to
read less into more always- but think it could be made stronger as less being more

the repetition of sister's name
I wonder is that some thing the poem needs?
I would say, no.

briefly, and in a few words,
emuse offers great insight for revising

~D~