Earthturn (final edit)

[barrie]

Earthturn

The kettle hums away
another evening by the fire.
Flames peel back
bark from birch logs.
Woodlice curl,
drop,
crackle.

Strawwarm cows moan
the silver night in winter’s shippen.
Silage, piss and methane,
the seasonal aroma.

Mooncold morning -

Fire beneath the tractor
thins frost thickened fuel.
Preheat, fire-up, and cough along
the bridleway - stay true
to the light of Lucifer
so far as Lemming’s Run -

leap out

into another eight hour fall,

then at five o’clock,
when the saws are quiet,
go home again.

[David]

Ah, silage, piss and methane - for those who don't know, this is the Lake District's version of sex and drugs and rock'n'roll.

You've bumped this, haven't you. Quite right too. It predates my involvement with pg, and there's a lot of good stuff mouldering away down there beneath the currently inhabited layers.

It occurs to me, entirely frivolously, that with a judiciously dropped r you could have Woodlice curl, drop, cackle. Hmm. Evil woodlice. Really quite an alarming idea.

Strawwarm cows moan
the silver night in winter’s shippen.
Silage, piss and methane,
the seasonal aroma.

That's great. It's like Hardy, just a little bit closer to the earth.

A fire under the tractor
thins a frost thickened fuel.

Real observed things. This is what I like. This is exactly my sort of thing. You know that, I think.

Just not sure about stay true / to the light of Lucifer - I know what you mean, I think - it's Venus, is it? - but it feels like an uncomfortable intrusion of mythology into a sweaty soddy earth-bound poem.

Then at five o’clock,
when the saws are quiet,
we all
go home again.

And that's - or it was - life in the country.

This goes on my imaginary poetical iPod. Good one Barrie.

Cheers

David

[barrie]

Cheers David - This is your fault. That poem you posted, Ploughman - mentioned 'urine, milk and straw', reminded me of 'Silage, Piss & Methane', the original title of this. So I dug it out and reworked the first verse a little, made a couple of slight changes elsewhere and here we are.

Lucifer is the Morning Star from the Latin meaning 'Lightbringer' - Venus should be satisfied with the name Evening Star but since Lucifer has been linked with Satan, she's been given the morning job too.

Nothing like the sound of a cackling woodlouse

thanks David.

[Bombadil]

Halo Cyril,

Always good for a silage and piss at the end of the day, meself.

I hung up on:

"the seasonal aroma."

Seems as it would be better as "a seasonal aroma" or "a familiar aroma". But then, who knows?

Also, I got lost after "just leap" it seems, as may well be intentional, that the poem's voice changes--even trips and falters--thereafter.

Great read though. Love the Luciferian stuff. I can see the letters in the bag already.

Good stuff.

Cheers,

Carlos

[barrie]

I see what you mean about 'a seasonal aroma' as opposed to 'the seasonal aroma', but if you've lived in a farmyard in winter it's 'the' - The smell that predominates.

'another eight hour fall' was just the return to the mundane world of work.

cheers

Barrie

[oranggunung]

Barrie

An evocative piece, with a fabulous opening stanza.

I noticed the link to the Ploughman poem, and remember the reference to the whiffy trinity.


S2 - I like the contrast between the ‘strawwarm’ and ‘mooncold’. There also appears to be a link with ‘moan’ and ‘aroma’. I’m not quite comfortable with ‘moan’, as it indicates distress. However, the sonics are very close to ‘moo’, and led me to that image first, before making me reassess the word. Presumably you wanted to avoid ‘lowing’.
Are you allowed to use ky, kine, or neat for cattle, or are they too obscure? Maybe they wouldn’t fit with ‘shippen’.


Silage, piss and methane

or possibly

Silage, shit and urine (can’t resist those alliterative possibilities)

Should there be a semi colon after this? It seems to need a longer break than a comma.


S3 – like David, I’m a little uncomfortable with the intrusion of Lucifer.

Lemmings – leap – fall …

… this doesn’t seem to fit with the scenery you’ve used up to that point. It transports me to Scandinavia, but that’s probably David Attenborough’s fault.


S4 – the final stanza (forgive me if my numbering is off)

Then/when/again – surely not a coincidence.

The change of voice, from passive to personal, may not be inappropriate, but it changes the feel of the story. If the penultimate line were removed, would the sense of the poem change?


I do like this, but S3 broke the spell for me. It took me away from the Lake District, and S4 didn’t bring me all the way back.

og

[Dagdason]

I like those flavors, makes me look forward to winter where I am at, only I have a cast-iron stove to chase the chill.

I play at observor alot so the reflections caste by your words play well in my head. I can almost picture the moment in it's purest, but defined by my own experiences it gives a feeling of nostalgia when dairy farms were still arond my home town. Again, I critique from the emo-side so I have no real observation from the technical side.

I staggers a bit in the presentation, but even this has meaning if taken in the context of the pictures it brings to my mind.

I like it, I see no need for revision.

[barrie]

Well spotted og - you're right, the penultimate line is unnecessary. It's gone.

Thanks dag - Glad you liked it - Welcome to PG, by the way.

cheers both

Barrie

[Wabznasm]

Another (I'm not sure if you need it) opinion -

I quite liked the Lucifer passage. It has a sense of irony and fatigue to it. The mood of the daily grind is serious, but there's some wry voice behind the Lucifer passage. It's a deliberate attempt at overstating the pointless, and it feels as though the narrator knows that.

Stylistically,

A fire under the tractor
thins a frost thickened fuel.

irked a little. The two 'a's felt unecessary. Could the second be removed?

Vivid poem
Dave

[Lia]

Barrie,

I like this play with linking words. How beautiful ‘Earthturn’ and ‘mooncold’ sounds. It brings something unusual to the poem’s mood too. I’ve told you this before, but this kind of writing reminds me of H.E. Bates which, in my opinion, is the best praise I can give. It’s that old world feel.. not that it should be of course -- just for interest, the farmers and fishermen went up to London a month or so ago to protest against the EU in a hope to save the last of their livelihoods. I wonder if anyone listens..

Anyway, a terrific poem.

Lia

[barrie]

Thanks Lia - H.E.Bates - perfick

The farmers and fishermen didn't give toss when the miners were being screwed by Thatcher. The farmers are feeling the pinch now after some relatively comfortable years, and the fishermen are suffering from overfishing (if the scientific reports are to be believed).

But we still have enough coal to be energy sufficient for decades without being dependent (and open to massive price hikes) on foreign oil or gas. We have technology (and money) to build cleaner coal-fired power stations. The 'uneconomic' pits that were taken over by the miners themselves are thriving, along with the communities that would otherwise have been decimated - like the hundreds that have done in the North and South Wales.

Politicians wisely rely on the I'm alright Jack attitude - that's why they fear strong Unions - If they could outlaw Unions, they'd probably open the mines again.

Rant done....sorry people.

Wab - Good idea. It made me look at that again - I'll drop both indefinite articles, and also substitute 'under' with 'beneath' - another 'th' sound to go with all the others and the 'f's.

I'll change things now.

Thanks for that - Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

All it needs now is a Vaughan Williams soundtrack.

Nicely honed, Barrie

Geoff

[barrie]

Oi thank ee zurr.

Vaughan Williams, eh? What did you have in mind - His Pastoral Symphony?

cheers Geoff.

Barrie

[emuse]

Barrie I've been watching the thread and just wanted to enter in my praises for this one. I think it's a seamless read. Vivid images and language and a distinct voice. I want to recommend that you send it to The Prage Revue. They are opening their doors now after a six year hiatus. I met one of the staff and he is looking for quality work for their winter issue. Send to Stephan Delbos at info@thepraguerevue.com.

My favorite:


stay true
to the light of Lucifer
so far as Lemming’s Run -

leap out

into another eight hour fall
e

[barrie]

Thanks a lot E - I'll e-mail the Prage Review in the morning, see what they make of it. I'll let you know.

Many thanks

Barrie

[emuse]

Great. Here is the website. I left that out:

http://www.praguerevue.com

e

[barrie]

I don't know if it's just me E, but, try as I may, I can't get the link to connect. Any ideas?

cheers

Barrie

[emuse]

Sorry Barrie! Missing an article. Try this:

http://www.thepraguerevue.com/

e

[barrie]

That's the one!

Thanks - Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

wrt Vaughan Williams

I was thinking more of the Fantasia on Greensleeves

[barrie]

I've never heard that, so I looked it up in Wikipedia. I found this at the end -

'It is widely acknowledged that Lady Green Sleeves was at the very least a promiscuous young woman and perhaps a prostitute. The reference to the colour of her sleeves suggests grass stains from a recent rendezvous with a suitor. Additionally, in England the colour green was associated with prostitution. It is said that the green sleeves were removable and required to be worn by prostitutes as a label of their profession.'

What are you trying to say?

cheers

Lord Goldsmith.

[twoleftfeet]

I doubt RVW knew that!

http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/mus ... d,+etc.htm

It's the 4th sound sample - uses Real Player

[barrie]

Yes, I have heard it - I thought it was something he'd written himself. He's just pinched old King Henry's version and tarted it up. Another cover.
Do you really think it's apt - I was thinking more along the lines of The Damnbuster's March.

cheers

Barrie