Fire Moth

[Ryder]

Fire Moth
Hatches
Crawls Through
Latches
Intrigued By
Matches
Candle Wick
Catches
Fire Moth
Watches
The Flame


Fire Moth
Flits
Spills Itself
Spits
In Flames
Sits
In Wax
Pits
Of Black
Bits
Of Moth.

[marten]

This is good. I like the simplicity in structure and the flow. The subject is appealing and I enjoyed the last verse.


cheers
marten

[HeidiHogrefe]

hi ryder....

I like when art is stripped down. Simplicity can be so pleasing. The first stanza was the stronger of the two due to the fact that hatches, latches, matches, etc all have stronger sound. Phoenetically speaking the "ch" sound vibrates and resonates more.

Simple poetry that is written with very few words and fragments can be quite powerful. Good job.

heidi

[camus]

"Pits
Of Black
Bits
Of Moth."

class act.

Nice one Ryder.

[twoleftfeet]

I second that.

This is honed down to the er... whatever you call Moth bits

Geoff

Only the Moth has knowledge of the Flame - Sufi saying
(Yes, I know it;'s totally irrelevant , but hey, it sounds good)

[Ryder]

Cheers, much appreciated.

Poem originally only consisted of second stanza. The first one is a later addition. I think I prefer the second of the two, though I appreciate where Heidi is coming from.

I think that quote's spot on Geoff, but what is 'Sufi'?

[twoleftfeet]

Sufism is the mystical side of Islam, and seems to me to be part of the
Gnostic tradition.

[oranggunung]

The idea of moths and flames is not new, but the structure of this poem made me think of the idea as being new.

Pits
Of Black
Bits
Of Moth

Is this what might be termed dark humour?

Despite the fragmented nature of the presentation, paradoxically, I thought the poem flowed really well.

Very much enjoyed.

[Gypsy Cake]

Beautifully simple. The first stanza was a very strong sound and I would've left it there. The second is ok and neccessary for the story but just doesn't continue the same fortitude as the first.

I think you show amazing potential and can't wait to read your next poem.
Dec

[Ryder]

Thanks Geoff, G.C and og. Encouraging.

[Babbit]

I read this because I found a rather huge moth the other day and the title reminded me - I love your use of form to make what, in my eyes, looks like a large slender flame on the page. The alternate rhyming lines tie the words together and, when read aloud, are like a drum beat which makes the poem and the subject primordial (as indeed fire should be).
The ending 'bits of moth' is clever and funny - it conjures up images of charred insects as well as the irony that fire is all consuming, even to a moth that could indeed be made of flames.
This is a grand poem - particularly like the second stanza, and agree with you that it could stand alone.
Hope to see more

[David]

How did I miss this at the time? It's really good. Great rhythm, beautifully managed.

This is somebody's cunning pseudonym, isn't it? I'm sure it is.

Or have I imagined that?

Great poem, anyway.

[Dagdason]

I like the quickness of the rhyme, no slurring about.It's a moment, caught when one steps to the porch on a summer night and sees the moths scurring bout the candles meant to ward off the mosquitos.

Very well played and lyrical. Might come up with a tune for this one

Well done

Dag

[Kilravock]

i do not get the connection with suffism. the poem was great though.

[benjywenjy]

hey

like everyone else, I also enjoyed it. Stripped down, and almost zen. My only point that may improve it is punctuation, this gives indication on the desired flow and can help create stronger rhythm. Maybe

thanks for posting

benjy

[Ryder]

Cheers for the comments everyone. I should probably re-name this Phoenix.
Not sure about punctuation Benji, I thought of it as a sort of anti-punctuation poem when I wrote it.

Kil, I think Geoff referred to the part of suffism that, like many other 'cultures'? attaches significance to symbolism.

Ryder