Flower Child

[dedalus]

You were so beautiful,
but, at that time, so was I:
I smiled for you, and only you,
and knew it couldn't last.
The past is a foreign country
and we will never see it again.
Memories of who and what and when
are sharp as diamonds,
sharp as the knife
I have learned to carry.

I could never marry
although sorely tempted
as long as you were alive,
as long as there was still an outside chance;
you have led me a merry dance
among your last three husbands,
each one richer than the last.
I recall the edgy past
and the railway station at Vincennes
and the look of madness in your eyes,
dressed all in white, a flush on your cheeks,
blue-eyed, blonde, adorable.

Within weeks, back in England,
you married some idiot aristocrat,
"O Darling, I will always love you!!"
and that, my dear, was that.
I went off to the war in Ireland
half-cocked, and then fully committed,
and later, when it was permitted,
you　ｗrote to me in that dreary prison
where I spent five years;
there were fresh tears
on the mauve scented envelopes
but you never once came
(you were now on Hubby Number Two)
although you said you flew
to Bali and to Marrakesh.

Sweet dreams are made of this:
champagne, cocaine, the early Stones.
I can feel it in my bones --
So lovely, so lonely.
We shall sail to Majorca,
then ski in Gstaad.
You were the best thing I ever had.
I remember the metallic sharpness of the pain;
I doubt I shall ever feel it again.
The hard dumb beauty of fleeting youth
has no answer, no resolution,
except in death or suicide.

Many of us fatcats now reside
in elite sequestered quarters,
with or without our first-shot wives
and sometimes sons and daughters.
A bit of golf in the forenoon,
a glance at our jolly accounts,
then a long lunch in the clubhouse.
Mr. Taxman, you can never trace
the enigma of my strange arrival,
the stigma of a shark's survival.
I shall allow the sun to rise and go.

Let you rise, red ball, I cannot stop you.
I cling tight to the earth with prehensile toes.
Anything goes. Are ye drunk, says a voice from Heaven.
Is that you, God, talking to me at last?
Nah, it's the hum of the radiators,
and the ghosts of longdead aviators
in this lonely reckless room.
I can no longer zoom in on my life,
I don't believe in anything any more.
as I stand, fat and unlovely,
here upon the ocean shore,
watching the waves come　in,
watching the waves come in, go out.
The sea, I have decided, is futile,
and so is so much else.
The guns in the street go pop-pop-pop.
Nowadays, really, nothing is new.
I remember the platform at Vincennes,
the white dress, the flush on your cheeks,
but nowadays nothing is new.
Living goes on until you stop:
I know. I knew.

[Kilravock]

This is a little full, but it had a lot of good imagry.

[kerri]

Hi,

What an intriguing piece of writing. It contains some fantastic lines; "Let you rise, red ball, I cannot stop you", "first-shot wives", etc. Really nice phrases to get your tongue around. I found the pop music references in the "Sweet Dreams" verse interesting; I wonder whether this was a conscious process to include these and whether to reprise the idea in the final verse with the Otis Redding -ish "Watching the waves come in, go out" line?

Reading it back through again, the couplet "I can no longer zoom in on my life, I don't believe in anything any more" sounds too modern, not pensive enough to fit with the feel of the final verse. What about "Why can't I focus on my life? Relive the pictures of before?" Just an idea. And at the end of the second verse might 'Blonde, blue - eyed...' be seen as something of a cliche? It needs something more 'edgy', "Salacious and adorable". perhaps?

Sorry to end on a negative; I really enjoyed reading it.

Kerri x

[kozmikdave]

Hey Ded

Nice read. I found the first verse a little weak compared to the rest of it, and perhaps it could be ditched altogether and start with V2. As usual, there is some really good imagery, but overall, I fell for the storyline.

[beautifulloser]

Hey Ded

This poem really resonated and I enjoyed aspects very much, parts of the writing had me really identifying with the regret and missed opportunity with the narrator and those were the aspects I enjoyed most.

Some lines which i thought were excellent were:

The first stanza

The hard dumb beauty of fleeting youth
has no answer, no resolution,
except in death or suicide.

Sweet dreams are made of this:
champagne, cocaine, the early Stones. (I liked the song reference, and the lyrical feeling of the champagne line)

Parts of the writing came across as telling the facts of a story more than showing the nature of the narrator, the aspects where you hit on showing the nature of the narrator are really intriguing I thought and it was the feelings and thoughts behind the piece (rather than the events that led him there) was what I particularly enjoyed about the writing and if you felt like re phrasing aspects you've got a pair of eyes over here for sure if you agree that's valid criticism.

Great read, one of the post's I have enjoyed most since browsing back on the forum after a while away, cheers.

BL
x

[arunansu]

Vivid imagery throughout, but I feel u should cut down the length if possible.Thanks.
-Arunansu

[dedalus]

Ta, Aranansu ... everything I write should be shorter ... but it isnt. Oh, dear.

[mayowa]

Is this two poems in one? I ask because that's how I'm seeing it.

Anyhow, first the positives: I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm actually happy what I consider as the first poem was that long. I didn't want it to stop. The imagery, the language, the syntax...thoroughly enjoyable!

The things that could have been improved: I sort of lost interest when the piece "changed" to another poem. Didn't really identify with the speaker and I guess the abrupt change kind of turned me off

[oranggunung]

Hi Ded

I wondered as I read this if this is really the output of a poet or an author. You have a remarkable talent for climbing inside the characters you describe. You clearly enjoy exploring situations in great detail. Is poetry too limiting a form for such investigation? Have you written short stories?

I’m not in any way trying to criticise your poetic output. I’m a great fan. This piece just gave me the impression that the poetic form was proving restrictive for you. Don’t know if anyone has made any similar comments in the past.

I’m afraid I don’t feel able to crit the poem at the moment.
I’m overawed by its epic stature.
I have read it, at least, and did enjoy the simple, regretful ending.

og

[Rena Hands]

I enjoyed this much but found it was a mind full. Too many ideas/imagery forced into one compacted poem.

You were so beautiful,
but at that time, so was I:

Originally…but, at that time, so was I:
Was the second comma necessary to separate the idea presented?

Also is a comma necessary here…I smiled for you and only you(rewritten without the original comma).

What about…

I recall the edgy past
the railway station at Vincennes.
The look of madness in your eyes;(not sure of the semicolon)
dressed in all white(switching the “all” and “in”), a flush on your cheeks, blue-eyed, blonde and adorable.

I understand poetry is an expression of emotions as well as thoughts personal or formal(I believe that is the word I am looking for), but are the exclamation repetition necessary?

“O Darling, I will always love you!”

Are you certain that fat cats is one word or for the purpose of your poem here you are simply compounding them?

Many of us fatcats now reside

Also the word long dead, this too should be two separate words, no?

and the ghosts of long dead aviators

I found two possible spacing/typing errors but because it is the online world, I will not ask anything of it.

[catastrotopia]

Hi dedalus,

I'm just a newbie, but i would agree with the folks who said it was a bit on the long side. There are so many great lines and images throughout that I felt like they weren't given the chance to really shine because of some maybe more unnecessary ones.

I would probably drop "blue-eyed blonde adorable" or rework it a bit. A few others i might lose are the "o darling" line and the parenthetical about "hubby number two."

I really enjoyed the next two verses though, and I will second whoever wanted to see you do some short stories. Keep at it!

-c