The Bridge

[kerri]

The Bridge

The river headed for the sea
Growling slowly through the town
The foreign banks, so far apart
Neither to the other known

The current coursed, the undertow
Resisted hard the great North Sea
No ferryman to pull across
No strength to swim across to me

She lingered on the other side
Dark skin, dark hair, crimson dress
I called to her across the tide
Swept away in emptiness

I contemplated, insolent
Captivated, hypnotised
I know she smiled, then turned away
Fire in her laughing eyes

And then I thought to build a bridge
Dorman's passion, Brunel's pride
A sculpture worthy of the Gorge
To reach her on the other side

But time and skill are scarce and lost
A notion splendid but absurd
And so instead of steel and stone
I try to span the gap with words.

[barrie]

I quite like this - reminds me of The Sundering Flood by William Morris.

There's a lot of good stuff here, especially the final verse. There are, however, things that you need to work on. Verse one - Don't alter your normal syntax in order to make a rhyme.

Neither to the other known.

No strength to swim across to me - You expect a girl to swim over to you? This is really stretching equal opportunities!

Dark skin, dark hair, crimson dress - Too may cliches. You need something original, something personal.

I contemplated, insolent
Captivated, hypnotised
I know she smiled, then turned away
Fire in her laughing eyes

I was just going to point out the cliche in the last line - Reading it again, the last three lines have all been done before. I would say put it into your own words - nothing beats originality.

I must praise the last two verses - that's more like it.

Hope I didn't come across as too harsh. I'm just pointing things out that can make a good poem mediocre, even bad.
You've got a sound base to work on - don't let the rhyme dictate to you and watch the rhythm. It'll be interesting to see how this develops.

nice one

Barrie

[beautifulloser]

Hi Kerri

I liked the sonics in the piece, although you were using a basic rhyming pattern of ABCB, the metre was so defined it worked well and "bounced" along nicely. I cannot add much to what Barrie has said, some good advice there, but I did enjoy the poem and although sometimes a pain, I think if you try some of the things suggested you might surprise yourself with what you could do on a redraft.

The last stanza is excellent, "But time and skill are scarce and lost", sad but true.

well done

BL
x

[Elphin]

Some really good stuff. I particularly liked "growling slowly through the town".

Its hard to add to Barrie's points. I think you have the makings of a good piece of work and would take on board the points. I also have to echo the others that the last two stanzas are the real strength of this piece.

E

[kerri]

Thanks very much for the comments.

I've never heard of The Sundering Flood; I've just Googled it. Sounds interesting.

Barrie, your point about equal opportunities made me laugh!

This was written about a real person, and the 'dark skin, dark hair, crimson dress' line was intensely personal, but I do see what you mean about it sounding cliche. Points taken about altering syntax and finding originality though.

I'm going to have a redraft. Your input is appreciated; thanks very much.

Kerri x

[oranggunung]

I have to echo Barrie’s sentiments here too. It looks like the structure of the poem has forced the words into a slightly uncomfortable order.

The tone of the poem feels archaic at times. This is usually frowned upon, but I found it quite charming in this context. I like the rhythm and flow of the piece (reminiscent of the river), but the text requires revision.

As far as the story-telling goes, I think the character on the far bank is not introduced properly. The “foreign banks” are being used to indicate the two lead roles, but this is not very clear. The second stanza tries to make a reference to the distance separating the two characters, but I don’t think they’ve been properly established at that point.

Is it possible to make the first stanza work harder to introduce the two characters, or would another stanza between the current 1 and 2 be better?

I wondered if S1 might have a format something like this:

The river headed for the sea,
growling slowly through the town.
I stood upon the western shore,
she on the eastern, looking down.

This format would require a new stanza to be added, perhaps indicating the attraction of the narrator to the woman on the other shore, or their mutual attraction.

A logical problem here though, if they were near to a town, wouldn’t the narrator have been able to cross the river there?

I’m sure you are capable of addressing the crits you’ve received here, as the piece is already in good shape. I look forward to seeing the revision.


og