If Only

[rasputin]

The odd attempt trips off my tongue,

This new awkward silence,

No it ain't no fun.

I leave you to wonder.

Well let's sink together,

Your three second sigh again,

Desperate.

I drink the radiator water.

A new sense of surrender,

Up to my eyes.

A wretched excuse,

I escape from her.

A kind of formaldehyde sorrow,

Laconic.

As I wince,

At the bitter taste

Of tonic, and a failed relationship.



I hope this one neutralises the mood of my last one - I'm not all splutters and expletives!
all forms of feedback as always appreciated..

rasp.

[alex69williams]

Not sure about

"No it ain't no fun,"

Just seems a bit out of place with the other higher-register language around it. Maybe it was intentional

alex

[rasputin]

i get ya -

i guess im trying to bring in a kind of conversational tone too, to make it seem more personalised..

any other comments?

rasp.

[alex69williams]

Maybe lay of the commas a bit. It seemed to break up the flow quite a bit. I can see how it would work, if it was meant to be conversational - sort of a flow of consciousness - but I didn't feel it was pulled off. Maybe re-working the punctuation would help.

Also "sorry, I've got to go" sounds a bit like you're on the phone.

What made it for me was:

"A kind of formaldehyde sorrow,

Laconic, as I wince,

At the bitter taste,

Of tonic, and a failed relationship"

Easily the best lines in the poem. Eloquent and extremely vivid. Nice.

As per usual, do with this what you will ... etc.

alex

[rasputin]

thanks a lot alex, ile get back to work..

all the best

rasp.

[rasputin]

any improvement?

[alex69williams]

A marked one. It flows a lot more freely and I like the slight structural reorganisation - it suits it well.

Sorry if I sounded too critical - I do like this one, in fact it's growing on me, but maybe that's because you edited it

Stay focused and you can produce great wonders, rasp-san

alex

[alex69williams]

Can we get a smiley with Chinese eyes???

[rasputin]

i agree, in this day and age its only fair that emoticons accomodate all races ! aah well, give em some time, im sure before long we'le have eskimo smileys too..

thanks for the feedback, glad its growing on ya, ile do some more work on it when time (and revision) permits..

atb

rasp.

[Sean Kinsella]

RASPUTIN

The opening is strong and promising...

"The odd attempt trips off my tongue,
This new awkward silence,
No it ain't no fun,
I leave you to wonder.
Well let's sink together,
Your three second trip again".

It then falls away a little until...

"A kind of formaldehyde sorrow,
Laconic.
As I wince,
At the bitter taste
Of tonic, and a failed relationship."

Re-work the centrepiece, as for me that doesn't quite say anything by comparison, and yes I would drop the majority of the commas, as they are redundant and unrequired.

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA

[rasputin]

sean,

thanks a lot for your comments, i agree that the centrepiece is quite weak in comparison, although id like to keep the 'i drink the..' line after reworking..

further changes will ensue, unless i decide to give up and move on..

cheers,

atb

rasp.