When Dark Wind Blows

[phillyk1]

Never knew what to say, when the question came
"I'm fine" i'd lie, like a ray of sun piercing a grey sky
Sun shone with a text message, the sight of your name
"The Great British Summer", the times I wanted to cry
Only now, I've got that glimmer of hope
Wipe away the cloud and gaze into your soul
Your precious smile is all I need to cope
My sun's shining now, there's a secret to be told
Alone at night, no prizes, 'who's on my mind?'
The rain's hammering on the glass like a fist
Outside the window it's black, love is blind
All the same, I'll never forget the first kiss
It's cliche, writing of the beauty she shows
But it's her that holds me whenever dark wind blows.
*

First poem i've ever written. Love sonnet.

[barrie]

Welcome to the forum - but please read the forum guidlines. To keep the forum running we need feedback from everyone.

viewtopic.php?f=20&t=2605

cheers

Barrie

[J.R.Pearson]

Hey Philly: since its the first poem u've eva written i'll hold back a lil. U have some poetic feel here:

The rain's hammering on the glass like a fist

Stay away from time-worn, ad nausem staements such as these:

glimmer of hope
secret to be told
love is blind
I'll never forget the first kiss
dark wind blows

Never ever evereververevrervervevrevr say this in a poem:

It's cliche

hope this furthers yur poetic career. It gets easier(crits and writing).

[Lake]

I, too, like this line:

The rain's hammering on the glass like a fist

I'll take J.R.Pearson's advice in my future writing.

[Lubesh]

I'm fine" i'd lie, like a ray of sun piercing a grey sky
Sun shone with a text message, the sight of your name

Your punctuation needs correcting and maybe an overlooked lower case,

"I'm fine," I'd lie,

but I did like the use of the sun. Maybe for future ref, where further down you reuse it, you could draw on some other metaphor or idea to give your thoughts more impact and avoid samey. For a first effort I liked it and it reeks of enthusiasm also. Good luck in your writing!