Odd

[Travis]

My hair,
the way it settles down over my eyes
sometimes
and shields me
while the sun glints red.

[Wabznasm]

Brief.

I feel I should be giving you some vast criticism, considering your incredible input to the forum recently, but can't.

Sorry to be harsh, but this doesn't really do much for me. It's an odd little moment (apt title), but I think it lacks a first stanza. This would be a great end to a poem, but I think it needs more in order to develop.

And as for the comma on the first line, why is it there? You punctuate with line breaks after that, so this speck of punctuation doesn't seem very comfortable on its own.

Sorry for not giving you anything to hang on to - this is too short to comment on in detail, but it did leave me with wanting something more.

Cheers
Dave

[Elphin]

Odd - was this one of these moments of enlightenment we all have in respect of something quite mundane.

E

[Globus]

The comma does need counterpoint somewhere. You could have another after 'eyes' and lose the 'and' at the beginning of the 3rd line?

Not sure about the first person here either - for these 3rd person seems a better fit to me. At the moment it doesnt quite have the enigmatic tone that a haiku can convey, but it's reaching in that direction. Keep scraping away the layers, there's something elegant there.

[thoke]

I think this is the kind of thought you should keep to yourself. I can't really see anything profound or beautiful about a hair coincidence. The format would work if it was about somebody else, like a lover, to make it seem less self-indulgent. And if you made a link between the mundane event and something a bit deeper at the end, that'd be nice too.

Ben

[twoleftfeet]

Can this be classified as Fringe Poetry?

[barrie]

Didn't find much in this - it doesn't even seem like a complete sentence.

My hair,
the way it settles down over my eyes
sometimes
and shields me
while the sun glints red.......Yes, what happens next..what about the way it settles......?

I suppose a parting is such sweet sorrow - Well, Geoff made the fringe comment.

Not one of your best. (You're not developing a Narcissus complex here, are you?)

Barrie

[David]

I'm assuming the title is actually the first line, and there is an implied comma after it:

Odd,
my hair,
the way it settles down over my eyes
sometimes

If so, I quite like it, although there is a sense of bathos in what follows. Of course, that could be part of the whole cunning plan ...

Cheers

David

[Travis]

The title is the first line, yes. And the downward spiral is intentionally bromidic. To what end? Beats me!

Thanks, David.

Davewiththeeminustheidnasm,

Please don't apologize on account of perceived harshness. You were kind. Too kind perhaps.

Let it be known now that true harshness, if it comes my way, is not only welcome, it's encouraged.

As for your first suggestion, I'll give thought to building something around this. I may never take that route, but I will certainly consider it.

The comma you ask? It's there because it's the only one to be seen. As a sentence, two commas exist. One following "odd" and the other, after "hair".

Your problem seems to be a matter of perception. Because from my point of view I'm not punctuating with line breaks. It's simply the structure of the piece.

That you bring it up though is enough to warrant my attention. Thanks.

Globus,

Again, I'll look at the comma. But third person? Nah. This is much too narcissistic...

Ben,

Sigmund Freud once quipped, "Everywhere I go I find a poet has been there before me." So I guess I was ignoring the arrant romanticism of the ethereal beings who used to spit honey and shit rose petals for the sake of something less sickly. At least in this particular instance anyway.

I think that makes me a stupid bastard.

Thanks for your input. I'll take it into consideration if I try to expand this.

Geoff,

Haiku-esque maybe? I dunno.

Barrie,

Thanks for combing through.

And you too Elphin for the hit.

Merci buckets all.

[sam]

im beginning to like you very much.

[sam]

ur poetry, now that needs work.

can i guess at u a while:

roughly 22?
well read.
struggling to find your voice?
enjoying being cleverer than most of the people around u but not yet been pushd as far as u wud like to go?

[Travis]

Traditionally I'd enjoy a little tete-a-tete, pawing back and forth for a post or three. But the disparity between your old posts and your now casual and infelicitous styling stops me just short of taking you seriously. Coupled with your silly opinions and your artlessly veiled antagonism of course.

Here's my advice:

Fuck off.

[Lexilogio]

Hi Samaritan,

I agree with the first reply, it comes across as part of something else. It feels as if it is a consequence of something. Either that or you need a haircut?
- ok, now I need to get a beer - I am becoming my mother.

[barrie]

Plagiarism - by select spider

Traditionally
I'd enjoy a little tete-a-tete,
pawing back and forth
for a post or three.
But the disparity
between your old posts
and your now casual and infelicitous styling
stops me just short
of taking you seriously.
Coupled with your silly
opinions and artlessly
veiled antagonism of course.

Here's my advice:

Fuck off.

[sam]

thanks barrie.
uve helped ss express himself in a fashion more suiting the climate.
ss. b careful. read weller than uve read and speak better than u do.
then attach with more venom and write with more talent.
soon ull be good and then u can talk properly about serious things

i gave advice to help u

u dont need or want help it seems

i only hope u dont get kickd off the site bfore uve learnd enough to contribute to it.

haha!

i love this shenanagins

[barrie]

thanks barrie.
uve helped ss express himself in a fashion more suiting the climate.
ss. b careful. read weller than uve read and speak better than u do.
then attach with more venom and write with more talent.
soon ull be good and then u can talk properly about serious things

i gave advice to help u

u dont need or want help it seems

i only hope u dont get kickd off the site bfore uve learnd enough to contribute to it.

eat my face

haha!

i love this shenanagins

Why do you write with a speech impediment?

[sam]

yes, i removed 'eat my face' as i thought it was going a bit too far.

barrie,
sometimes i write with a 'speech impediment', sometimes i dont.
sometimes i find it difficult to have to express myself while bearing in mind grammar, spelling, punctation...what was it SPAG? from gcse english.

barrie,
why do u find it necessary to govern
to place a framework or structure over that which shouldnt have one?

SPAG can fuck off

[Wabznasm]

Haha, this is a truly bizarre colloquy.

Sam -

Your 'constructive advice' actually displayed itself as acidic taunt. I don't see that as any way to faciliate improvement, do you?

And as for frameworks and rules, well. Language shouldn't have a structure? That's a novel remark. For a start, if you displayed some sort of structure and lucidity, perhaps people wouldn't get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to your 'constructive criticism'? I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but SS is in no way seen to be at fault in this situation.

This is getting nowhere --

Dave

[barrie]

sometimes i find it difficult to have to express myself while bearing in mind grammar, spelling, punctation

Sorry to hear that, but a lot of people with the same problem usually find an Adult Education Centre is the best way to overcome it. How can you expect to be taken seriously when you admit that you can't even write - and you consider yourself too good for beginners, which you had the gaul to call drivel!
If, however, this is just some lame excuse for sounding like some stroppy teenager sending out text messages on a mobile, then get off your arse and do some proper writing.
I would advise you to start in beginners if you are really here to improve. Take in the advice you are offered, because most of it will be sound and will be given by people wishing to help.
On the other hand, if all you want to do is spout your own views without consideration and get people's backs up, then your time here will no doubt be short.

Barrie