The Asylum Seekers

[camus]

This is all over the place, just some ideas I had a while back, not sure where to take it, short story play etc, if anywhere at all.

PLAN
1) Working Title: The asylum seekers.

2) Main Gist: Story about a rock/pop/punk? Group who form in a mental institution – modern equivalent – National health mental care unit – D2.

3) Agendas:

1) Political – the attitude of the National Health Service to psychiatry, and people who are mentally Ill in whatever form.
2) Heart – acceptance/understanding of mentally ill people by community, friends family etc.
3) Head - the thought processes of people who are mentally ill.

4) Style:Tragicomic

The idea is to introduce each character, and the reasons for them ending up being sectioned. From then they form the band, thats as far as I've got idea wise.

Thought I'd post it anyway.

The asylum seekers.
Story about a band who form in a mental institution.

Chapter 1 (Nathan)

You’re not the only Jesus in here you know

As Nathan surveyed the increasingly compact traffic jam below, he scrutinised the harassed faces contained within their chosen modes of transport. To hone in on his intended victims he’d chosen the B5 binoculars borrowed from his uncle’s greenhouse and had never returned. He knew the power of these things, he’d seen in vivid detail Tara Yates lose her virginity quite violently on the muddy side of glovers hill. From his uncle’s greenhouse one had a vivid view of the moors, so close, a foreboding expanse of wilderness in which his uncle’s house and the rest of the estate hung like a fleshy appendage.

Nathan stood up, entwined his hands, wanted to play cradle, but didn’t, and prayed. Then he set off down the roadside embankment, gaining momentum forced on by his need to communicate, to tell people who he really was.

The pale green Citroen: “No thanks, I’m an atheist.”

The Mini Cooper: “Listen mate I appreciate where you’re coming from, shit I talked to my dog on Magic Mushrooms one night, but this is not good. ”

The Rover: “Just piss off and bother someone else”

The Mondeo: “My car overheats in these situations and you’ll receive the bill, believe me on that ”

The range Rover: “My kids are stuck at their dads and they fucking hate him, I need desperately to collect them, so no I don’t want to know about the second coming, you annoying arsehole. ”

The abuse snowballed, aggravated by the heat, and the collective consciousness belonging to the frustrated drivers, crowded in an unnecessary gridlock, but Nathan knew his message must be delivered, and more importantly must be delivered to the unsuspecting, the vulnerable, the needy. Unfortunately it seemed, the unsuspecting were all to suspecting, and causing a traffic jam to spread the word was proving unwise.

He took off his skull cap and held it in his weary hands like a prophet might hold a sacred script, staring into its sweat stained interior, he proclaimed to all that could be bothered still to listen that
“This is me, this is all I possess and all I need, just a hat, and can you all say the same to me?”

What better use to put his final breath to.

FIRST GIG

Does Impressions of rock stars and gets the audience to guess who they are for beer, then announces that after this gig they’re off to the viper club, Invited by Johnny Dep.
Interspersed by violent songs aka Anti Nowhere league, cover of Ma Baker.

[Bombadil]

Camus,

I liked the writing, though I didn't exactly know where you were going with it. Interesting, I look forward to seeing more.

--A.S.

[camus]

A.S

Thanks for checking it out, to be honest I don't really know where I'm going with it. I'd had the idea in my head for a while, so i thought I'd post it and hopefully get some feedback on perhaps which direction to go in.

I posted the basic premise, I'd be interested to know if you think it is a good idea and would actually be interested to read on.

I'll check your post out later on.

cheers
Kris

[Bombadil]

Kris,

I like the concept and the story has near infinite possibilities as well as lots of pop-culture examples (The Ramones, for one). As of right now, I'd say this would make a good short story, say 15-20 pages in length. And yes, I would read it. Looking forward to your comments on mine...(shameless plug).

--Keith

[cameron]

Kris,

Thanks for getting the ball rolling.

This idea could work as a short story, a novel, a tragi-comedy drama or a screen play. I suppose you need to work out which medium you're most comfortable with.

With my film hat on I'm thinking Cuckoo's Nest, K-Pax, Commitments, Blues Brothers, Full Monty.

Story line and plot are very important. Sketch out some possible directions for it to go in. Try not to make it too linear. Whose the main character? Nathan?

Another good tip when writing is to cut out any scene that doesn't move the plot forward.

Great title. Plenty of potential.
Cam

[Rena Hands]

Should it not be Glovers’ Hill? Or Glover’s Hill?

Not at all an expert in writing plays but why not look to William Shakespeare?

http://shakespeare.mit.edu/works.html

At least the form. You would remove the (: and the “/”).

You need a punctuation at the end of your sentences…

The Rover: “Just piss off and bother someone else”

(No period at the end of this sentence).

Then in the following sentence no period at the end.

The action of this play was rushed.

I think this is an incomplete or half expressed thought….

Does Impressions(impressions) of rock stars and gets the audience to guess who they are for beer,…

This excerpt although short seems cheapened by the use of vulgarity. I strongly recommend a review of plays if not Shakespeare then some modern day plays. I find your idea intresting, but there needs to be many changes.

[camus]

Thanks Rena,

I do appreciate your input, not much to offer really, it was my first attempt at a prose plan.

Agreed the prose was pretty patchy, although I do find your obsession with grammar/punctuation (however justified) quite oppressive, perhaps create a balanced crit if you are to bother critting?

Unfortunately I find vulgarity quite acceptable, after all this isn't 1584 is it?

cheers Kris

[sam]

your poems are very good and this idea is good. however, you sound still like a poet trying to be a prose writer. i think that if you were to continue the story you would tire yourself out with this style of writing. a little less description for descriptions sake and a little more forward movement may give the thing a bit more whoof!
Also, afraid i dont like the responses from the drivers - all a bit tame and unlikely. for some reason, and i dont know why, i just dont believe it.
i agree strongly with ur crit of the critic -with regards to punctuation i mean. ive never been the best for it, even when i try, and there is nothing worse than putting ur heart into something and hearing 6 points being made about it, 5 of which tell you that u have i and e the wrong way around. to whatever your name is, try to look a little deeper!

again, a good idea, but it will be a while before its up to standard (a compliment to ur poetry as apposed to an insult to ur prose).

[camus]

"i think that if you were to continue the story you would tire yourself out with this style of writing"

Ha Ha, absolutely, I was rather knackered by the end!

I agree, I'll stick to honing my poetic skills.

thanks for that.

cheers
Kris

[Travis]

I'll stick to honing my poetic skills.

Fuck off.

Sure, you can't write your way out of a wet paper bag, but goddamn, can you write a poem! And why? Because you were born with a talent. It just so happens that your inclination is poetry and that you developed a wonderful voice for it along the way. Didn't require as much work to sing, did it? Poetry was an easier way to express yourself...

Kris in a nutshell. Am I wrong?

Listen, my point is that you can write. So why limit yourself to just poetry? Because you're not as "good" at other forms?

The only reason your not is because you haven't really tried. So how can you sit there and declare a deficiency?

Fuckin' work on it! All you can do is improve!

And if you're interested, here's a tip to start:

Your poetry tends to center around an utterly mundane event in a character's life that's seen through a lens of profound realization. Now, these epiphanous moments should be life altering, so deep do they cut. But your trick is to make your character simply shrug it off and go about his business as if the secret of the Caramilk bar wouldn't make him blink. Thusly you can end a poem rather neatly, no further explanation needed. Whereas with prose, you can't get away with that.

No, in prose you have an area that you need to fill, a volume. And while this might require more keystrokes it also offers you the opportunity to go places that poetry can't take you. Basically you have some elbow room and you can stretch. And wouldn't it be nice to stretch and maybe explore a character and his or her event in greater detail?

Start small. Don't draw up a blue print or anything. Simply write your next poem in a prosaic fashion. That's right. Next time you feel that creative urge, that little seed that grows, present it to us differently. The next time that happens, the next time that we should be getting a mundane event in a character's life that's seen through a lens of profound realization, that's never enough to change a character's life, then give us a story instead! Give us a short story. Because a short story should be about the single most important event in a character's life and how that event changes the character. So use your typical formula, but this time make a real impact on the character. And because you'll be telling a story in the form of prose, you'll have the room to better account for the change that you so often do away with by necessity in your poems.

I'm no expert, nor do I claim to be. Just my thoughts. Free-flowing and uncensored.

[camus]

Let me clear me throat...

"Didn't require as much work to sing, did it? Poetry was an easier way to express yourself..."

Should it pain me to admit you're spot on?

Adept you are, an expert on the future writings of a forum poet, you are not...

That said, I love your abrasive manner all the same.

cheers
I

[Travis]

Forum poet...

Did my talent comment make you cringe?

Don't be so modest and write a story, you bastard.

Seriously though, I think I understand where you're coming from. It's a matter of cost effectiveness, right? Poetry's the safe bet, requires the least expenditure and is within your comfort zone.

Basically you plan on sticking with what you're good at. Which is funny because you concurrently devalue yourself in that very area, labeling yourself a "forum poet" and shrugging it all off as if you were in one of your own poems.

To quote you, I'm smelling couch potato rhetoric...

Get up off your arse!