I've been considering sending some poems off for potential acceptance to a variety of Poetry Mags, basically I think I'm ready for rejection now! As in reality many poems ARE rejected and I wasn't really ready for that. So here is one that I've tidied up a little, I'd appreciate your honest opinions on whether it's worth a shot?
Also here is a link I found to lesser Poetry mags, looks useful for those first tentative steps:
http://www.poetrymagazines.org.uk
Lighthouse
I should like to abandon myself
upon a craggy rock; take stock
of artificial life and light, then darken
my parameters, for a year or so.
Scan harsh seas, at breakfast, lunch
and tea, adjust my Souwester, yellow
in its circumstance, as yellow as can be.
I’d take quite seriously the lone man’s
approach to being. Maybe keep a dog
to polish off corned beef hash, a parrot
to laugh with, or at. Perhaps I’d go mad
with the responsibility of mezzanine flooring,
gearless pedestal turnings and of photo electric
cells sensing the daylight arriving, perhaps!
I’d leave just once that year, to collect fuel
from gnarled-fingered-fishermen, wise to
the capacity of break tanks and the like.
More to the point I’d maybe save some lives,
whilst reading endlessly.
Lighthouse
No doubt this is a good piece. Lots to like but that's not why you posted so a few things that caught my eye and maybe you will want to think about.
Is it your "parameters" you want to darken i.e. the boundaries or is it what is within the boundaries?
Would you consider ending verse 1 with a comma and changing Scan to scan.
Maybe too many "Perhaps" - perhaps!.
Good luck in sending it off
Elphin
Is it your "parameters" you want to darken i.e. the boundaries or is it what is within the boundaries?
Would you consider ending verse 1 with a comma and changing Scan to scan.
Maybe too many "Perhaps" - perhaps!.
Good luck in sending it off
Elphin
Here is one honest thought: give it a shot.
I liked it the first time around, whether I said it or not.
Can't really take rejection personally, poetry mags rarely accept.
Thanks for the read (again), Jesus wept.
I liked it the first time around, whether I said it or not.
Can't really take rejection personally, poetry mags rarely accept.
Thanks for the read (again), Jesus wept.
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
Just a couple of things -
I'm not too struck with the last two lines - Are they really needed? I know what you're saying here, but it's sort of implied in what's been said already. They just seem like a late afterthought.
photo electric cells sensing the daylight arriving, perhaps! - Drop the 'perhaps', change the Perhaps keep a dog to Maybe keep a dog.
It's well worth a try - It's definitely something that I'd read. Some of the crap that does get published always has me pondering about the taste of some of these editors - then again, who am I to judge - I only know what I like.
Good luck
Top tip - Always have a Go and fuck yourself then letter ready for the return post, just in case some tasteless twat doesn't like it.
Barrie
I'm not too struck with the last two lines - Are they really needed? I know what you're saying here, but it's sort of implied in what's been said already. They just seem like a late afterthought.
photo electric cells sensing the daylight arriving, perhaps! - Drop the 'perhaps', change the Perhaps keep a dog to Maybe keep a dog.
It's well worth a try - It's definitely something that I'd read. Some of the crap that does get published always has me pondering about the taste of some of these editors - then again, who am I to judge - I only know what I like.
Good luck
Top tip - Always have a Go and fuck yourself then letter ready for the return post, just in case some tasteless twat doesn't like it.
Barrie
Hi
You have nothing to lose by sending this. It is as good as the stuff that gets published - better than some of the stuff. And if they reject it - so what? It doesn't detract from how good the poem is. It could be that they want poems on a certain theme, or have a certain style in mind. I'm sure that some of the greatest poets had a few rejections at first.
As for comment on this poem. I kind of felt that "craggy rock" was a bit of a cliche - but then wondered if that wasn't a good thing - as the idea of spending a year in a lighthouse is a bit of a cliche in itself, but still something which has a real attraction for some, so the cliche works.
I thought the second stanza particularly good - it has a sense of the souwester replacing the sun, and I loved that.
I didn't know what you were saying with the mezzanine flooring - but I really liked the gearless pedestal turnings and that sense of mechanical work which then frees the mind. I also thought that the enjambment between those two stanza's (4 to 5) worked really really well - as it moved from the mechanical work to the senses.
I hate to disagree with Barrie - but I kind of like the last two lines. I'm not so sure about the "more to the point I'd maybe" but I like the notion of the saving lives as the excuse prelude to the real reason - the need to free the mind and read for months on end.
One last point - which Elphin also mentioned, and I agree with - that 3 "perhaps" is too many. I would look again at the one with the dog - as for me that is the weakest stanza at the moment.
You have nothing to lose by sending this. It is as good as the stuff that gets published - better than some of the stuff. And if they reject it - so what? It doesn't detract from how good the poem is. It could be that they want poems on a certain theme, or have a certain style in mind. I'm sure that some of the greatest poets had a few rejections at first.
As for comment on this poem. I kind of felt that "craggy rock" was a bit of a cliche - but then wondered if that wasn't a good thing - as the idea of spending a year in a lighthouse is a bit of a cliche in itself, but still something which has a real attraction for some, so the cliche works.
I thought the second stanza particularly good - it has a sense of the souwester replacing the sun, and I loved that.
I didn't know what you were saying with the mezzanine flooring - but I really liked the gearless pedestal turnings and that sense of mechanical work which then frees the mind. I also thought that the enjambment between those two stanza's (4 to 5) worked really really well - as it moved from the mechanical work to the senses.
I hate to disagree with Barrie - but I kind of like the last two lines. I'm not so sure about the "more to the point I'd maybe" but I like the notion of the saving lives as the excuse prelude to the real reason - the need to free the mind and read for months on end.
One last point - which Elphin also mentioned, and I agree with - that 3 "perhaps" is too many. I would look again at the one with the dog - as for me that is the weakest stanza at the moment.
Lexi
Kris, I don't remember reading this before, but I think it's really good. Definitely worth a stab, but remember, Lexi is right - this is better than lots of the stuff that gets published. I do really like your poems. I've long thought that, if what a poet needs is his own quirky voice (and thoughts), you're more of a poet than most of us.
That doesn't necessarily apply to some of the stuff you post at 2.49 on a Saturday morning. What do you think, when you log back in later on? Fuck me, did I do that???
So crack on, and best of luck.
In case it's helpful, or hopeful, I've been sending some of my own stuff off quietly for a few months now. A few acceptances, a few rejections - I think I'm about 50:50 at the moment, so clearly more editors recognise quality when they see it than I expected. (Ahem. That was a joke.)
If you want some more details on who I've tried, and what they're like, just say - pm or open forum, whichever you prefer.
And remember also, when they reject your stuff, they're wrong. Not you.
Cheers and best of British
David
That doesn't necessarily apply to some of the stuff you post at 2.49 on a Saturday morning. What do you think, when you log back in later on? Fuck me, did I do that???
So crack on, and best of luck.
In case it's helpful, or hopeful, I've been sending some of my own stuff off quietly for a few months now. A few acceptances, a few rejections - I think I'm about 50:50 at the moment, so clearly more editors recognise quality when they see it than I expected. (Ahem. That was a joke.)
If you want some more details on who I've tried, and what they're like, just say - pm or open forum, whichever you prefer.
And remember also, when they reject your stuff, they're wrong. Not you.
Cheers and best of British
David
-
camus
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5451
- Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Grimbia
- Contact:
Thanks for your feedback guys. I'll take the advice on board, do a little more slicing, tidying up.
Sometimes I become blind to what I write and really have no idea whether it's worthy or not, this is the place I rely on for honest feedback, so thanks.
I'll get me SAE's ready!
David,
That'd be very helpful, if you could PM me the links or relevant info that'd be spot on.
Do you subscribe first? or have you just been sending willy-nilly?
cheers
Kris
Sometimes I become blind to what I write and really have no idea whether it's worthy or not, this is the place I rely on for honest feedback, so thanks.
I'll get me SAE's ready!
David,
That'd be very helpful, if you could PM me the links or relevant info that'd be spot on.
Do you subscribe first? or have you just been sending willy-nilly?
cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
I think this poem is a contender. Strong subject and setting. Getting away from it all is a powerful hook. The voice is naively determined, becoming almost languid at the end.
The others are right about the repetition of perhaps- get rid of it.
Have a go, Kris. You're a big hitter and this one travels further than most.
Good luck.
For what it's worth, your poem Old Friend was ace and, if you haven't already done so, I'd be sending that one off too.
The others are right about the repetition of perhaps- get rid of it.
Have a go, Kris. You're a big hitter and this one travels further than most.
Good luck.
For what it's worth, your poem Old Friend was ace and, if you haven't already done so, I'd be sending that one off too.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry
-
camus
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5451
- Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Grimbia
- Contact:
Ok, I've replaced the dog "perhaps" with "maybe".
But kept the other two, as I felt the second "perhaps" reiterated the sense of new frontiers of a sense of escape, perhaps?
Elphin,
"Would you consider ending verse 1 with a comma and changing Scan to scan."
Yes that makes sense, and I like the idea, but what about the breathing space?
Not sure on that one?
I hardly ever revise a poem with this much vigour, but I am with this one, so all feedback appreciated.
cheers
Kris
But kept the other two, as I felt the second "perhaps" reiterated the sense of new frontiers of a sense of escape, perhaps?
Elphin,
"Would you consider ending verse 1 with a comma and changing Scan to scan."
Yes that makes sense, and I like the idea, but what about the breathing space?
Not sure on that one?
I hardly ever revise a poem with this much vigour, but I am with this one, so all feedback appreciated.
cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
All I can really pick on is some of the punctuation.
For example, the first verse could do without the semi. Personally, I hate them. But my distaste aside, you can very easily get away without one and instead use a comma. And for future reference, whenever you feel inclined to toss a semicolon into the mix (even if your reasoning is based on what a ; is designed for) you should take a moment and consider whether or not you can get away without one.
They're often hard to look at and create a jarring effect within a poem. Use only as needed.
Anyway I think a comma or two would be taken out if it were me. I'll go through and give you my edited version. Punctuation only, mind you. This is a good poem.
I should like to abandon myself
upon a craggy rock, take stock
of artificial life and light, then darken
my parameters for a year or so.
Scan harsh seas, at breakfast, lunch
and tea, adjust my Souwester, yellow
in its circumstance, as yellow as can be.
I’d take quite seriously the lone man’s
approach to being. Maybe keep a dog
to polish off corned beef hash, a parrot
to laugh with, or at. Perhaps I’d go mad
with the responsibility of mezzanine flooring,
gearless pedestal turnings and of photo electric
cells sensing the daylight arriving. Perhaps!
I’d leave just once that year, to collect fuel
from gnarled-fingered-fishermen wise to
the capacity of break tanks and the like.
More to the point I’d maybe save some lives,
whilst reading endlessly.
I'm 50/50 on the final comma. But whatever.
Good luck with it.
For example, the first verse could do without the semi. Personally, I hate them. But my distaste aside, you can very easily get away without one and instead use a comma. And for future reference, whenever you feel inclined to toss a semicolon into the mix (even if your reasoning is based on what a ; is designed for) you should take a moment and consider whether or not you can get away without one.
They're often hard to look at and create a jarring effect within a poem. Use only as needed.
Anyway I think a comma or two would be taken out if it were me. I'll go through and give you my edited version. Punctuation only, mind you. This is a good poem.
I should like to abandon myself
upon a craggy rock, take stock
of artificial life and light, then darken
my parameters for a year or so.
Scan harsh seas, at breakfast, lunch
and tea, adjust my Souwester, yellow
in its circumstance, as yellow as can be.
I’d take quite seriously the lone man’s
approach to being. Maybe keep a dog
to polish off corned beef hash, a parrot
to laugh with, or at. Perhaps I’d go mad
with the responsibility of mezzanine flooring,
gearless pedestal turnings and of photo electric
cells sensing the daylight arriving. Perhaps!
I’d leave just once that year, to collect fuel
from gnarled-fingered-fishermen wise to
the capacity of break tanks and the like.
More to the point I’d maybe save some lives,
whilst reading endlessly.
I'm 50/50 on the final comma. But whatever.
Good luck with it.
-
camus
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5451
- Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Grimbia
- Contact:
ss,
Fully appreciated, but semi-colons rock and always will. They have a sure fired guidance like the dad I never had, they are my parenthal balance, so fuck you, fuck you fuck you.
cheers K
Fully appreciated, but semi-colons rock and always will. They have a sure fired guidance like the dad I never had, they are my parenthal balance, so fuck you, fuck you fuck you.
cheers K
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
So I was just out sucking back a cigarette, all humble like, when an intense feeling of pride hit me. And I thought to myself, how dare he disrespect the teachings of my master?!?
This is your one warning, Kristopher. This is what happened the last time an impertinent rogue challenged me and mine...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CioinnnwMZQ& ... ed&search=
This is your one warning, Kristopher. This is what happened the last time an impertinent rogue challenged me and mine...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CioinnnwMZQ& ... ed&search=
-
camus
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5451
- Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Grimbia
- Contact:
Ahhh Monkey, pigsy piiggggggggggg, via - the water margin.
This month I have mostly been viewing old 80's Japaense hong con Fu.
Although I have also been Checking out the "World Theatre" in my local Blockbusters, try "Bad Boy" and the originals of "The Ring" and "The Grudge" fucking scary...
This month I have mostly been viewing old 80's Japaense hong con Fu.
Although I have also been Checking out the "World Theatre" in my local Blockbusters, try "Bad Boy" and the originals of "The Ring" and "The Grudge" fucking scary...
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk