Departure
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Transparent
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:20 pm
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Last edited by Transparent on Thu Sep 03, 2015 3:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi Transparent,
Overall I enjoyed this, but I felt like it was closer to prose than poetry and the scenario is one that is so familiar that, in going there, you need to examine every turn of phrase and ask yourself whether it is an obvious
one that every reader will be anticipating e.g "annals of the past"
Just my opinion
Geoff
Overall I enjoyed this, but I felt like it was closer to prose than poetry and the scenario is one that is so familiar that, in going there, you need to examine every turn of phrase and ask yourself whether it is an obvious
one that every reader will be anticipating e.g "annals of the past"
Just my opinion
Geoff
As it's a subject that's been written about so many times, being totally original is extremely difficult and you do seem to have covered old ground.
Is it a piece of prose or a prose poem? I'm afraid I'd have to go for the former as there's a lot of prosaic writing in this. You need to go cliche picking in this, too - It would read more poetic if you got rid of all the time-worn phrases.
patiently waiting
lost in silent thought
her mind drifts
battered face
drawn and haggard
lifeless eyes
hollow sockets....
There are a couple of gems in here -
Time comes to a gasping halt, collapsing on the slick asphalt.
...the bus crawls away, leaving the empty bench a quiet confessional.
This is being original.
Sorry to be harsh and don't let it put you off.
keep at it
Barrie
Is it a piece of prose or a prose poem? I'm afraid I'd have to go for the former as there's a lot of prosaic writing in this. You need to go cliche picking in this, too - It would read more poetic if you got rid of all the time-worn phrases.
patiently waiting
lost in silent thought
her mind drifts
battered face
drawn and haggard
lifeless eyes
hollow sockets....
There are a couple of gems in here -
Time comes to a gasping halt, collapsing on the slick asphalt.
...the bus crawls away, leaving the empty bench a quiet confessional.
This is being original.
Sorry to be harsh and don't let it put you off.
keep at it
Barrie
Yeah, too prosy for me as well - if this were a plant it would be a very woody plant - but there was definitely some nice prose in here, especially There are many faces she wants to remember, but only one she needs to forget.
Are you sure you didn't get that one out of a country song? It's a good one anyway.
Cheers
David
Are you sure you didn't get that one out of a country song? It's a good one anyway.
Cheers
David
Nice short story type write...
Could possibly be extended - any plans?..chapter 2
Although under different circumstances....the bus stop bit reminded me of a woman I once knew...she used to go to the end of the street everyday at 5.00pm….to meet her son of the bus…he was due to come home from work…of course he never did arrive as he had
died in a work related accident 5 years previously…
Could possibly be extended - any plans?..chapter 2
Although under different circumstances....the bus stop bit reminded me of a woman I once knew...she used to go to the end of the street everyday at 5.00pm….to meet her son of the bus…he was due to come home from work…of course he never did arrive as he had
died in a work related accident 5 years previously…I actually quite liked this. I know that there is a danger of using phrases that are maybe 'obvious' but sometimes it is the obvious that carries more descriptive tones. I agree, this is a peice of prose and not really a poem so maybe should be in a different location on this site.
Indeed this is a subject that is well written about, but I guess its about the reader. Poetry should make a connection, it should stir something and whilst many of us will not be able to connect with this peice as we may not have experienced such things, I think there are readers out there who would get quite a lot from this. Actually, I got a lot from it and I dont have such experience of the topic.
Yes there are maybe too many cliches, but cliches are there because at some point they were powerful turns of phrase. I guess the challenge for us all is to use words in such a manner that makes one think, 'wow, i never thought of it like that'. But I do beleive there is a danger of using workds that are abstract, words that are not found in our everyday language as these at times can turn a reader off what you are trying to say, simply becuase they may need to reach for the dictionary at every line.
Overall I liked it and think it's good, but as some of the other posts have said, maybe it could be edited to be more 'poem-like' and a change of a few phrases.
I especially like the truthfulness of it. 'As the approaching bus rolls to a halt at the corner stop, she wonders if she can truly leave him behind.'
Indeed this is a subject that is well written about, but I guess its about the reader. Poetry should make a connection, it should stir something and whilst many of us will not be able to connect with this peice as we may not have experienced such things, I think there are readers out there who would get quite a lot from this. Actually, I got a lot from it and I dont have such experience of the topic.
Yes there are maybe too many cliches, but cliches are there because at some point they were powerful turns of phrase. I guess the challenge for us all is to use words in such a manner that makes one think, 'wow, i never thought of it like that'. But I do beleive there is a danger of using workds that are abstract, words that are not found in our everyday language as these at times can turn a reader off what you are trying to say, simply becuase they may need to reach for the dictionary at every line.
Overall I liked it and think it's good, but as some of the other posts have said, maybe it could be edited to be more 'poem-like' and a change of a few phrases.
I especially like the truthfulness of it. 'As the approaching bus rolls to a halt at the corner stop, she wonders if she can truly leave him behind.'
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Transparent
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:20 pm
Hey all,
Thanks for the feedback. This piece was a failed attempt (but an attempt nonetheless!) at re-crafting a short story I wrote into a poem. I actually am really looking forward to taking another shot at it, so thanks all!!
Thanks for the feedback. This piece was a failed attempt (but an attempt nonetheless!) at re-crafting a short story I wrote into a poem. I actually am really looking forward to taking another shot at it, so thanks all!!
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ioansant
Wordy, a short story with a seniment, Prose not poetry, should be in the short story section will do fine in there. A heart tugging story, typical of life's little cameo's. Glad she found a way out, nothing to get worked up about. It happens, bad things happen dreams are spoiled, by what? Believing the drama on TV that it somehow reflects real life.
Regards
Ioan
Regards
Ioan