Sacred Games (Revised Version 1)
Grimly placing the hood
over the broken head, amid
delicate claims of pure
innocence. The hangman gave
sanctum with an act of bad manners,
deciding the fortune of the world and
enslaving mankind in sacred games
and mindless deeds, to be executed
dilligently and carefully to protect injustice.
Sacred Games (Original)
Grimly placing the sophistical hood
over the broken head, amid
diaphanous claims of lucid
innocence.The hangman gave
sanctum in an act of colluded solecism,
deciding the kismet of the world and
enslaving mankind in sacred games
and mindless deeds, to be executed
diligently and carefully, protecting injustice.
Sacred Games (?revised version 1?)
OK, who's swallowed a dictionary? Jeez. Back later, but even now diaphanous and solecism don't seem right, and if the second verse is actually a sentence at all, I'll be jiggered. (Is that a comma, rather than a full stop, you want after solecism?)
It's not about Saddam's execution, is it?
Catch you later, Merl.
Cheers
David
It's not about Saddam's execution, is it?
Catch you later, Merl.
Cheers
David
i am sure it is me and my poetic ignorance, but well, it just seems to be a little too hard to work out what your saying. Maybe i need to learn the art of patience and not just flick to the next one if I dont get this one. Or maybe it is a little difficult to connect with it, I dont know - any chance of having that dictionary after you have finished with it? hehe 
I thought this was quite good, but the persiferation of the various orchitudes had me thinking of the inchromagarities of the poem as a whole, yet without such atatersera the whole thing would no doubt lack the enthumerations that knit it together.
Yes, I liked it, but long words confuse me.
Barrie
Yes, I liked it, but long words confuse me.
Barrie
Great Barrie....agree entirely.... 
I thought the only look up word was solecism....
....................................................................................
David, its not specifically about Saddam's exeution, but probably, encompasses it...
What I am trying to say is that the idea of God is no longer capable of acting as a source of any moral code or purpose... as in Nietzsche's idea of ¨God is Dead¨...
PLEASE NOTE (before the Christian police arrest me
) THIS IS NOT A RELIGIOUS THING - IT IS ABOUT MORALITY
Does the following read better
I thought the only look up word was solecism....
....................................................................................
David, its not specifically about Saddam's exeution, but probably, encompasses it...
What I am trying to say is that the idea of God is no longer capable of acting as a source of any moral code or purpose... as in Nietzsche's idea of ¨God is Dead¨...
PLEASE NOTE (before the Christian police arrest me
) THIS IS NOT A RELIGIOUS THING - IT IS ABOUT MORALITY Does the following read better
Sacred Games
Grimly placing the hood
over the broken head, amid
delicate claims of pure
innocence. The hangman gave
sanctum with an act of bad manners,
deciding the fortune of the world and
enslaving mankind in sacred games
and mindless deeds, to be executed
dilligently and carefully to protect justice.
Grimly placing the hood
over the broken head, amid
delicate claims of pure
innocence. The hangman gave
sanctum with an act of bad manners,
deciding the fortune of the world and
enslaving mankind in sacred games
and mindless deeds, to be executed
dilligently and carefully to protect justice.
Much better - why didn't you say that in the first place?
Grimly placing the hood
over the broken head, amid
delicate claims of pure
innocence. The hangman gave
sanctum with an act of bad manners,
deciding the fortune of the world and
enslaving mankind in sacred games
and mindless deeds, to be executed
dilligently and carefully to protect justice.
Barrie...barrie wrote:Much better - why didn't you say that in the first place?
Grimly placing the hood
over the broken head, amid
delicate claims of pure
innocence. The hangman gave
sanctum with an act of bad manners,
deciding the fortune of the world and
enslaving mankind in sacred games
and mindless deeds, to be executed
dilligently and carefully to protect justice.
Think I am still yet to understand the true nature of poetry
....I am new to poetry , confused by it.....and am trying very hard to not only understand it better....but also trying to discover its true purpose.... The only thing you can do to help your understanding is to read plenty and to keep writing. As to discovering the true purpose of poetry, let me suggest something easier first - I'll use the words of John Donne. -
Go and catch a falling star,
Get with child a mandrake root,
Tell me where all past years are,
Or who cleft the devil's foot,
Teach me to hear mermaids singing,
Or to keep off envy's stinging,
And find
What wind
Serves to advance an honest mind.
If thou be'st born to strange sights,
Things invisible to see,
Ride ten thousand days and nights,
Till age snow white hairs on thee,
Thou, when thou return'st, wilt tell me,
All strange wonders that befell thee...
I don't think it's true purpose can be defined, but it's worth trying.
Barrie
BTW - Put the original under the rewrite.
Go and catch a falling star,
Get with child a mandrake root,
Tell me where all past years are,
Or who cleft the devil's foot,
Teach me to hear mermaids singing,
Or to keep off envy's stinging,
And find
What wind
Serves to advance an honest mind.
If thou be'st born to strange sights,
Things invisible to see,
Ride ten thousand days and nights,
Till age snow white hairs on thee,
Thou, when thou return'st, wilt tell me,
All strange wonders that befell thee...
I don't think it's true purpose can be defined, but it's worth trying.
Barrie
BTW - Put the original under the rewrite.
-
ioansant
Merlin
It's too long winded in a poetic scence, your phrases are short but then you don't get to the core. try putting them down as prose and then slash and slash some more to get the absolute basics. But you are adding words that are not needed and don't add anything to the flow of the poem, it's like draging the soft thighs of a woman over jagged rocks, a sorry waste.
If that's any use, I hope so
Regards
Ioan
It's too long winded in a poetic scence, your phrases are short but then you don't get to the core. try putting them down as prose and then slash and slash some more to get the absolute basics. But you are adding words that are not needed and don't add anything to the flow of the poem, it's like draging the soft thighs of a woman over jagged rocks, a sorry waste.
If that's any use, I hope so
Regards
Ioan
-
ioansant
Merlin
You've made a huge effort with this one, why not try writing in verse first, you know so many even lines with an iambic flow to them , 10 or 12 syllables per line. Then the you would have more room to ease the grammar, when I said cut out the wordness in other critiques, I didn't mean a series of stand alone words, they must be join up in some way, articulate in a way. They must guide the reader so he is filling in the gaps eager to meet the next profound thought, it should have a beginning, a middle and an end.
Regards
Ioan
You've made a huge effort with this one, why not try writing in verse first, you know so many even lines with an iambic flow to them , 10 or 12 syllables per line. Then the you would have more room to ease the grammar, when I said cut out the wordness in other critiques, I didn't mean a series of stand alone words, they must be join up in some way, articulate in a way. They must guide the reader so he is filling in the gaps eager to meet the next profound thought, it should have a beginning, a middle and an end.
Regards
Ioan