Icarus Revisited - REVISED1
I told him he couldn’t fly,
to not even try, as
he was sure to die
trying to fly.
He didn’t comply,
and without a bye-bye
jumped from on high,
dropped through the sky,
hit concrete and spread,
lay splattered and dead
after all that I said!
I told him, he couldn’t fly -
sigh,sigh…
.............................................
Icarus Revisited
I told him he couldn’t fly,
to not even try, as
he was sure to die
trying to fly.
He didn’t comply,
and without a bye-bye
jumped from on high,
dropped through the sky,
hit concrete and spread,
lay splattered and dead
after all that I said!
I told him, he couldn’t fly -
bye-bye…
Icarus Revisited (REVISED 1)
*grin*
If it is serious,
*
and without a bye bye*, perhaps use "good bye" as the first "bye bye" is a repitition of the refrain.."bye bye"..Too many "bye-bye" in too small a space
Overall..entertaining, I thought of bungie jumpers and ultra-lite flyers as modern day Icarus.
(I am not an expert, just a reader who enjoys poetry.)
If it is serious,
*
and without a bye bye*, perhaps use "good bye" as the first "bye bye" is a repitition of the refrain.."bye bye"..Too many "bye-bye" in too small a space
Overall..entertaining, I thought of bungie jumpers and ultra-lite flyers as modern day Icarus.
(I am not an expert, just a reader who enjoys poetry.)
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I'm not keen on 'as' being left open at the end of line 2 on stanza 1. It feels a bit weak.
perhaps..
I told him he couldn't fly
to not even try
was sure he would die
trying to fly.
Keeps in with the rhyme too.
i liked the piece though. Not sure what the message is if there is one. It strikes me as a comedy snippet or if it's serious, telling a freind/family member not to pursue something/someone as you know it will end in failure?
Jack
perhaps..
I told him he couldn't fly
to not even try
was sure he would die
trying to fly.
Keeps in with the rhyme too.
i liked the piece though. Not sure what the message is if there is one. It strikes me as a comedy snippet or if it's serious, telling a freind/family member not to pursue something/someone as you know it will end in failure?
Jack
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- Prolific Poster
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- Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:53 pm
Yes, fun, perhaps a bit rhyme heavy without a meaning to back it up, as has been said....but it made me smile! All those people who are so convinced they are never wrong...my ward is full of them
dogeared
dogeared
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
Great - thanks everyone for your feedback.....
How about if I changed the last line to ¨sigh,sigh¨ ?
It is of course a bit o black humour...but is also meant to kinda say ¨that whatever you do or say is futile.....so if there's a theme its futility ....for me anyways...
Thanks again...
How about if I changed the last line to ¨sigh,sigh¨ ?
It is of course a bit o black humour...but is also meant to kinda say ¨that whatever you do or say is futile.....so if there's a theme its futility ....for me anyways...
Thanks again...
I actually think the subject matter is rather powerful and could lend itself to great pieces of writing. However, i feel the style in which you have chosen to write this particular piece in, lacks depth and real conviction for me. It feels slightly insipid and the rhyme which isused looks rather basic.
Maybe, you could still implement rhyme but use more sophisticated vocabulary as i feel this subject matter would be better if a more detailed response is produced. I still feel this has a lot of potential, but i think you need to clarify your intentions of the piece in question before you just delve into it.
Maybe, you could still implement rhyme but use more sophisticated vocabulary as i feel this subject matter would be better if a more detailed response is produced. I still feel this has a lot of potential, but i think you need to clarify your intentions of the piece in question before you just delve into it.
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell