Reflections - edit

[barrie]

She sits,
tries to brush away the time
that built those bumps and furrows,
furtive and slow.

The mirror’s face
is no longer smooth vellum,
freshly stretched,
but an old sand-cracked papyrus
replete with history
drawn in timeworn demotic
that she reads like braille,
fingers trembling.

----------------
Final couplet removed

Slowly tracing her eyes’ deltas,
memories smile back down the years.

[dogofdiogenes]

She sits,
tries to brush away the time
that built those bumps and furrows,
furtive and slow.

The mirror’s face
is no longer smooth vellum,
freshly stretched,
but an old sand-cracked papyrus
replete with history
drawn in timeworn demotic
that she reads like braille,
fingers trembling.

Slowly tracing her eyes’ deltas,
memories smile back down the years.

Barrie,

I really enjoyed the second verse, although it did seem quite savage (sand-cracked?), not even something I would call myself in moments of self-pity! I liked the idea of the mirror having a face, the vellum (such a rich word!!)and the braille. It was illuminating, made me see things differently. I thought the last line was a bit cliched, though, along with bumps and furows near the top. Slow and furtive I enjoyed-age being something of a sneak.

Thanks a lot,

droopingdog

[Elphin]

Barrie

I am feeling that this is a work in progress so if I can add some thoughts to help it on its way (or not, of course)

She sits,
tries to brush away the time
that built those bumps and furrows,
furtive and slow.

In this stanza I had an initial confusion that she was brushing her hair but the bumps and furrows are on her face however brushing could refer to powdering. This brought me to wonder if powder would be a substitute for brush and bring in other images such as plastering over cracks. I like the ambiguity in furtive and slow -does it refer to the brushing or the time, both ways it works.

The mirror’s face
is no longer smooth vellum,
freshly stretched,
but an old sand-cracked papyrus
replete with history
drawn in timeworn demotic
that she reads like braille,
fingers trembling.

Mirror's face, sand cracked papyrus and the braille are the strongest parts of the strongest stanza. Smooth vellum being almost smooth as velvet works well too. Coincidentally, I was having similar thoughts the other day as I was looking at an old building where the stonework was pitted and wondered is the building like an old face or an old face like the building - the pitting in both perhaps caused by water/tears. One question on this stanza - do you need both smooth and freshly stretched as they both play to the same point?

Slowly tracing her eyes’ deltas,
memories smile back down the years.

You have a very clever double play on delta here - river delta and delta as the symbol in maths for change. However eyes and deltas tend to run together when read aloud and maybe the deltas of her eyes would scan better. I would tend to agree with dog of d on the last line - is there maybe some play on a double reflection. She sees here eyes in the mirror and they are reflecting also maybe some incident in the past that is representative of the good memories.

These are my thoughts for now - I hope there is something there.

Elphin

[David]

Barrie, what a great word vellum is, particularly with this definition I found on Wiki (I was a bit vague about the exact meaning): "a sort of processed animal hide" - what could be more appropriate?

I have to agree with doddy - old sand-cracked papyrus is pretty unforgiving. Probably not far wrong, though.

As for Elph's observation on "delta as the symbol in maths for change" - woah, that passed me by completely. I'll be even more impressed if you tell me that you meant it!

I quite like the ending.

Cheers

David

[RobertFlorey]

She sits,
tries to brush away the time
that built those bumps and furrows,
furtive and slow.

The mirror’s face
is no longer smooth vellum,
freshly stretched,
but an old sand-cracked papyrus
replete with history
drawn in timeworn demotic
that she reads like braille,
fingers trembling.

Slowly tracing her eyes’ deltas,
memories smile back down the years.

Okay. I've got prejudices about poetry.
So this isn't a critique, because it's not based on analysis, but on my
own likes and dislikes.

Still, it might be helpful in some way, and you can take it or leave it.

She's still young inside. She's shocked at her appearance in the
mirror, and she desires to erase what she sees and replace it.

Why her fingers tremble is not specified. I think it needs to be.
It may be the result of old age tremor, or it might be her fear
of looking as old as she is.

And the non-rhyming couplet under the volta, to me, seems weak,
as though you ran out of time or patience.

It's not a resolution, in my mind, but rather an escape which is
convenient and contradictory.

It's even weak voiced, almost as though you made it that way
as a distractor: it isn't she who smiles, it's some undefined and
unsourced "memories" that smile back through the years, thus
relieving the reader from having to wonder why this lady,
so frustrated and upset at her age, would smile. It puts the
responsibility for the sudden and unexplained change on an
inanimate and indeed, immaterial, object.

Now, if you had said something more like:

The mirror’s face
is no longer smooth vellum,
freshly stretched,
but an old sand-cracked papyrus
replete with history
drawn in timeworn demotic
that she reads like braille,
fingers trembling.

Slowly tracing her eyes unsmooth,
memory sharp with wisdom comes:
"truth is beauty, and beauty truth;"
She smiles as she reckons her sum...

(which is lousy poetry, a poor example of
what I'm getting at), then I think you'd have a real
resolution which also says something about reconciliation
and the human condition...

On the other hand, what in heck do I know about poetry?

[barrie]

I wrote the poem after seeing a photograph of an old woman on an archaeological at Heliopolis on the Nile delta (hence eye's deltas). There are archaeological analogies running through the poem. The brushing away of time from her face - the brushing away of age-built accretions on artefacts: her face - a papyrus: the lines etc - demotic script.
Dog - I checked "memories smile back down the years", to see if was cliche - there's no trace of it on Google.
re Delta being used as the mathamatical symbol for change - I must admit, I never even thought of that, it was just the crows feet/river delta similarity that came to mind.

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions - they are never wasted.

Barrie

[Wabznasm]

Barrie,

I really like this because it's something I could see myself writing. And how callously narcissistic is that?

Writing about the ravishes on time on a woman in a mirror is a difficult subject because it's a familiar one. I especially think of the marvellous Rape of the Lock. What you've started with this, and something I'd kind of like to see continued, is the mirror. Is there a chance you could develop the mirror as a narrator? Or perhaps something similar to the role of the speaker?

But that's just one of those 'this is what I want to read and hear' comments, so be as indifferent towards it as you wish!

Critically, I've nothing. Refined, tidy, and with enough decent languague to raise it from the every day.

Lovely job on this

Dave

[barrie]

Thanks Dave -

Is there a chance you could develop the mirror as a narrator?

I won't use your idea here because I don't want to make this piece any longer, but it has given me a few ideas for another poem - the problem is, how to keep it from sounding corny and Snow Whitish. Thanks for the idea.

Dorian Gray

[emuse]

Hi Barrie,

I'm with the others on this nicely detailed strophe:

The mirror’s face
is no longer smooth vellum,
freshly stretched,
but an old sand-cracked papyrus
replete with history
drawn in timeworn demotic
that she reads like braille,
fingers trembling.

"She reads like a braille" is a very powerful line. That offers a very uncommon feel to a woman aging. As a woman, one would like to see further inside the character but as you've commented to Dave you're onto another poem, it may not interest you to expand this one.

I wanted to comment to the other comments on the lack of freshness in the final lines:

memories smile back down the years.

I wouldn't always rely on google to be the judge of whether a phrase is cliched. It may be that those words have not been put together in exactly that way but that does not mean that the idea of the line has not been communicated similarly. Your reader will tell you on a gut level what google cannot. You can disagree with me and that's your right. I say this only as a type of help and not to disparage a resource. The problem is "memories smile" and even "memories" must have a fresh image connected with it, if it's used at all. Memories must be shown and not told.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the good of my poems or the good of the poet. I am trying to take my own advise here and look to what happens when it arrives in the reader's mind regardless of intent. In a workshop I did with Matthew Sweeny, he said it's not about what you intended, it's what's on the page. I think that's a bit of a cruel assessment and I think that if there is an intent that is not coming through then it is incumbent on the author to make it more accessible. In this case, he only cared about what came across from the poem and the author is left out of it. I think that's a tough but sometimes good way to evaluate a poem's efficacy. Some teachers work that way in a live setting. The author must be silent after he reads his poem while the group goes over the poem and evaluates it independent of the writer. After they have finished commenting, the author may speak if he wishes about the poem, why he went the way he did, clarify various lines etc.

Well thems me thoughts. I know you will take them with all my good intentions.

e

[barrie]

Thanks e - good point taken.

Instead of -

Slowly tracing her eyes’ deltas,
memories smile back down the years.

What are anyone's thoughts on

She traces her eye's deltas
as they flow back down the years - Incorporating memories and tears, as well as crows feet caused by age.

cheers

Barrie

[Wabznasm]

Flow isn't there for me Barrie. It's a bit too pantheism.

How about making it a bit more pathetic or changing the construction?

Dave

[barrie]

Thanks Dave - I think you're probably right. After much buggering about with that final couplet, I've decided that the best solution is to leave it out altogether. I think it's better for it.

cheers

Barrie

[beautifulloser]

Hey Baz

Vellum - what a beaut!

I really cannot add anything on top of the fantastic input, what can I say? For me one thing that stood out was the richness of the piece, short and eloquent and it retains a heavy sort of vibe about it at the same time, like it's a wandering noose of soothing masseuses.

oo! One suggestion, how about:

that serried those nested furrows

that built those bumps and furrows - Just to chuck it in the mix.

furtive and slow - I just love. Furtive - great choice.

Very polished stuff and a pleasure to read.

Beau
x

[emuse]

It has a deeper impact for me now Barrie. Good job on revisions. One for the "done" pile.

cheers,

e

[dillingworth]

this is begging for the word palimpsest, surely? if only in the title!

[barrie]

Thanks e -

One for the "done" pile.

- Tht's what I thought until Beau suggested the word serried, and got me thinking again.

Thanks Beau _ I'll have a mess about with serried, see if I can make it work.

She sits,
tries to brush away the time
that built up those bumps,
serried those furrows,
furtive and slow. - I'll see.

Thanks Dill - Your remark prompted that strange feeling of didgeridoo - I knew it'd happened before. Someone made a similar remark just after I'd written it, and on the same day I came across the very word in a book I'd just started reading. This the third time palimpsest has appeared - It must be an evil omen....now there's a bloody raven on the wall.

cheers all

Barrie