Wed Jan 16, 2008 1:32 am
Gidday
A bit Mills & Boone for my liking because it is difficult not to write something like this that has not already been run over by trucks. This is not to say that the subject cannot be tackled with originality.
I have pointed out some issues that I think are problematic. Please don't see it as an attack.
First of all I was confused by your use of person. You described the woman of the poem in both second and third persons.
I also thought the early longing for his touch meant he wasn't there, but instead of being precoitital, he had already had his wicked way and was snoring with contentment. It almost seemed like two separate images glued together.
Watch grammar and punctuation, as these really help keep the reader stable.
Disrobed naked (a tautology - strip it back, hehehehe)
Vulnerable you stand (who?)
Yearning for the mere
Touch of his hand
Silken skin glimmers in the night (perhaps a touch cliche)
Fast beats her heart (Who?) (why reverse the subject/verb?)
Engulfed in its lust
As naked flesh (also cliche)
Twist(s?) and thrusts
Oh how vulnerable (you used this before - think of a synonym)
Yet fulfilled is he (reversed the subject/verb again)
And how strong
Empowered she (who?)
Ok - well what about some positives? The form (centred) was good for the subject matter. I liked the idea of the man being fulfilled yet vulnerable (like a male praying mantis or spider). I'm sure a bit of editing could turn this caterpillar into a butterfly.
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]