"Music is good to the melancholy, bad to those who mourn,
and neither good nor bad to the deaf" – Baruch Spinoza
The first time I saw him, I quickened.
I knew it well. Gentle face, fierce eyes and
An ecstatic body that would not move right.
It never obeyed.
You said awkward; he moved dangerously,
High seas close to the surface could rupture
And over the dam his innards would spill.
His eyes swelled afraid.
A look of near madness, you called it,
When bold eyes wandered glassily about,
Hungrily searching; wondering what
Would bring the next hope
To feed a too calm façade. He looked. Sharp.
Probing. Then: there were always the pills, drink,
Smoke, words. He could fill with substances the
Groaning cracks and fight
A core of curious passivity.
And there it was - the Achilles heel - pain.
He would wait it out, stand rigid, wait it out.
It would pass… again.
Then one night it did not pass for him.
The words were insufficient because he
Had lost control. So, to the sounds of
Days when people hoped,
He ended it. Stopped swimming against the
High seas. Like a stony feather, succumbed.
But I have fire; stronger than your
Frozen appraisal.
Awkward (a tribute)
Welcome to PG. Please have a look through the forum rules.
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=64
You are expected to write at least two crits before you post a poem. Please don't post more than two poems per day.
cheers
Barrie
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=64
You are expected to write at least two crits before you post a poem. Please don't post more than two poems per day.
cheers
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Hi Sarah
this builds up OK, but the ending lacks impact; how about giving us more of what his emotions are as he ended it (was it his life or a relationship that was ended?). Also this is about him, so think about losing the last 2 lines which aren't about him.
The pedant in me would question the link between high seas and a dam, as the dam would be on a river, not in the sea.
Hope that hasn't come over too negative, overall I think there's good potential in this piece.
Binz
this builds up OK, but the ending lacks impact; how about giving us more of what his emotions are as he ended it (was it his life or a relationship that was ended?). Also this is about him, so think about losing the last 2 lines which aren't about him.
The pedant in me would question the link between high seas and a dam, as the dam would be on a river, not in the sea.
Hope that hasn't come over too negative, overall I think there's good potential in this piece.
Binz
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.
Thanks for your swift response. I take your point about dams!
The thread running through this poem is intended to be the speaker's response to and identification with the figure being described, which explains the last two lines. Perhaps, I need to emphasise this more effectively somehow, as I have received similar criticism about the last two lines before. Also, it's focused on how he is perceived, rather than how he feels - maybe this too hasn't been made explicit enough.
Thanks again.
The thread running through this poem is intended to be the speaker's response to and identification with the figure being described, which explains the last two lines. Perhaps, I need to emphasise this more effectively somehow, as I have received similar criticism about the last two lines before. Also, it's focused on how he is perceived, rather than how he feels - maybe this too hasn't been made explicit enough.
Thanks again.