Peachy Chalk

[py0sra]

Neglect.
An arbitrary measure
cast aside and long forgotten.
Eaten by the snake
that pours out its scorn.
Licking sick lips
You render me ill.
Hair hangs damp
and I vomit at will.
Your lost eyes reveal all,
filled to the brim
with longing and cider.
A viscious cancer
sucking you up.
It throws you down and
pinches your skin.
Peachy to chalk.
Thick to crepe.
Young to old.
Wrinkled life that makes no noise.
But stares down at me,
in complete despair.

[David]

Woah. This is quite powerful, py0sra, but a bit too much for my stomach. Maybe I'm squeamish. Some striking images, and the strength of your feelings seems to come over loud and clear, but - to me at least - perhaps it's too stark? A little more light and shade?

Ah, I'm just a comfortable old gentleman. You may get some stronger souls who will lap this up.

You can clearly do things with words, anyway.

Cheers

David

[walrus]

Ditto all that David had to say. It was a sense of morbid curiosity that made me read through to the end to see how this one played out despite the the yuck factor conjured up by some of your images. Having said that I'm impressed! Great title too!

[Elphin]

py

Like the others I agree that this has powerful images and some good lines. I'd pick out filled to the brim/with longing and cider and

It throws you down and
pinches your skin.
Peachy to chalk.
Thick to crepe.
Young to old.

What I am struggling with is putting it all together to undersand exactly what you are describing - I swither between an old person (neglect, young to old) or a very ill young person, possibly self inflicted through alcohol or drugs, (longng and cider and the tone in the early part is girl to boy, I think). It is very possible I am being thick but looking at the punctuation might help. The structure of having continual full stops means some of the connected lines are hard to connect or are connectable but in different ways. For example

Neglect.
An arbitrary measure
cast aside and long forgotten.
Eaten by the snake
that pours out its scorn

I could punctuate in different ways so that l3 is an extension to describe neglect or is it that the neglect has been cast aside and then eaten by the snake. So maybe have a look at the punctuation and the line breaks.

Look forward to more

Elphin

[DavyRam]

I liked that very much sir. The imagery is highly effective at communicating the speaker's disgust, I've got a pretty strong image of what the poem's about (not necessarily what you intended to write about, but it communicates plenty).

"Licking sick lips
You render me ill." - unnecessary synonyms here - if they make the speaker ill. Unless you consider the harsh sound of "sick" the main purpose of the image, cut it for something more visually descriptive.

"Your lost eyes reveal all,
filled to the brim
with longing and cider." - the "lost" is unnecesary and I think the line sounds better without it. "filled to the brim with longing and cider" is such an awesome image it can handle the weight easily.

"It throws you down and
pinches your skin.
Peachy to chalk.
Thick to crepe.
Young to old." - Peachy to chalk and young to old are good, but "thick to crepe" is drawing a blank - it gets no reaction from me, imaginatively or emotionally. Consider a different image here,depending on what it is you're trying to get across.

"But stares down at me,
in complete despair." - down or up? The speaker comes across as the superior one here, yet looking down suggests the subject of the poem is above him in position.

You're rather good at this vitrol business, I look forward to more

[oddball]

Hello. I didn't really mind the visceral images presented here. But wouldn't it be more apt to have 'Neglect" as your title then start the poem with 'An arbitrary measure'? This would be my take on it:

An arbitrary measure,
cast aside and long forgotten.
Eaten by the snake
that pours out its scorn.
Licking sick lips,
You render me ill.
Hair hangs damp,
I vomit at will.
Your lost eyes reveal all,
filled to the brim
with longing and cider.
A vicious cancer
sucking you up.
It throws you down and
pinches your skin.
Peachy to chalk.
Thick to crepe.
Young to old.
Wrinkled life that makes no noise,
but stares at me
in complete despair.

Just my thoughts, anyway. Thanks for posting, I liked it.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi OB,

As has been said, some powerful imagery here, especially:
Your lost eyes reveal all,
filled to the brim
with longing and cider.

I thought at first that the poem might have been about an alcoholic (perhaps looking in a mirror?) but now I am
not at all sure.

My only quibble is that the following lines are a shade too cryptic for my tastes:

An arbitrary measure
cast aside and long forgotten.
Eaten by the snake
that pours out its scorn.

Nice work
Geoff

[dl04]

First off, i feel the punctuation could be improved, as the sentences all start in capitals with leaves the pace very stilted and not very fluid.

I think some of the images are definitely striking but a tad too dramatic at times. I feel you've put too much emphasis on superlative language and forgot the personal voice. It makes the poem a bit vague and i didnt really understand the main theme. That might be me being dense but just the way i see it

There's definitely something breaking through here, but it needs to be polished in terms of the punctuation and maybe the structure( seperate into stanzas?).

A good attempt though, again very striking

dl04.