Surrender

[py0sra]

Surrender

You lie in you pit
The hole of your own making.
Whisky crystals cloud your mind
And you surrender;
To your own chaos.

Door closes and you flinch,
The aorta flicks
As blood runs cold,
And you die.
Waves crash and fall and I see you
Surrender; remembering
A life full of regret.

Oh lord have mercy
Where did you fail?
Lost in a cavern
You roam.
I hear you,
But I can’t surrender.

No, I refuse and you fall down.
Fingers stretching out
As wide as heaven.
But we let you fall and the rains crash
Upon your dark head,
And not even then
Do you wake up
From your lowly hell.

[Elphin]

hi py

Not really working for me - a bit melodramatic.

You might want to think about adding a few more crits and then you will get more crits back and perhaps others will have a different view.

Elphin

[arunansu]

At first this gave me an impression of a person trying to overcome his depression by consuming alcohol. But the mention of "you" and "I" in the later strophes makeing me think I was wrong. Surrenduring to fate?
"But we let you fall and the rains crash
Upon your dark head," - well, there I was lost, to be honest. Still I like the style of write, and the feel of the poem.
All the best.

[seer]

i agree it hovers between genuine angst and melodra but the line of demarcation between the two is blurred.

[madawc]

Sorry Py, but it just sounds like a collection of everyday phrases that you've rearranged. I can't find anything that's original.

Madawc