Edited :-
One lepidepteron informed me,
“it’s raining for days in Cherrapunji.”
She was a violet flame dancing around.
I asked her, “how do you find my flowers?”
“Odd”, she told, “they look odd on you”.
By that time my spines had arrested
one of her hind wings.
I stared at her, “they look awkward, eh?”
Flapping violently, she moaned.
I relished the plight.
My spines did not show mercy,
they ripped apart her colours.
“Cherrapunji suits you better. Out you go!”
She left a trail of infrequent springy leaps.
Did the sky rumble?
I have been hearing faint roars
for days.
Original :-
One lepidepteron informed,
“do you know it’s been raining for days
in Cherrapunji?”
She was a violet flame dancing around.
I asked her, “how do you find my flowers?”
“Odd”, she told, “they look odd on you”.
By that time my spines had arrested
one of her hind wings.
I stared at her, “they look awkward, eh?”
Flapping violently, she moaned.
I relished the plight.
My spines did not show mercy,
they ripped apart her colours.
“Cherrapunji suits you better. Out you go!”
She left a trail of infrequent springy leaps.
Did the sky rumble?
I have been hearing faint roars
for days.
Cactus
Last edited by arunansu on Sun Apr 13, 2008 2:24 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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John McMaster
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2008 8:36 am
Considering the rich subject and environment choice, I found this to be flat, emotionless and incomprehensible to most readers.
You may want to consider including the reader when you write.
I will read some more of your work to try and understand your methodology though.
You may want to consider including the reader when you write.
I will read some more of your work to try and understand your methodology though.
Aru - Consider changing the first line. Lepidopteron sounds more like a flying dinosaur than a butterfly. A butterfly asked me, would be much simpler.
I really liked the last verse - a good ending. A poem that can made to fit a variety of circumstances.
Barrie
I really liked the last verse - a good ending. A poem that can made to fit a variety of circumstances.
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
I dont know what the hell you were readingJohn McMaster wrote:Considering the rich subject and environment choice, I found this to be flat, emotionless and incomprehensible to most readers.
You may want to consider including the reader when you write.
I will read some more of your work to try and understand your methodology though.
I thought it was very nice aru, i liked the dialogue you've created and it's a very original concept IMO which you've expressed very well. Just a few points though:
I agree about the first line with Barrie about changing it to Butterfly. It would give it a more simplistic, flowing rythm which is very butterfly-esque come to think of it
I thought the images were well-crafted though without sounding corny and i really enjoyed the last stanza.
Very nice
dl04.
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
Thank you everyone for the inputs.
Dear John,
It's unfortunate that I am unable to convey my thoughts to you through this one. I will again give the piece some good thoughts.
Dear Barrie, Dl04
I wrote this piece to use the word "Lepidepteron". I understand a butterfly is simpler, but for me it becomes much too simple. Let me brood on this for a while.Thank you for your valued inputs.
Cheers.
Arunansu
Dear John,
It's unfortunate that I am unable to convey my thoughts to you through this one. I will again give the piece some good thoughts.
Dear Barrie, Dl04
I wrote this piece to use the word "Lepidepteron". I understand a butterfly is simpler, but for me it becomes much too simple. Let me brood on this for a while.Thank you for your valued inputs.
Cheers.
Arunansu
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John McMaster
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2008 8:36 am
I am so sorry!! I have read your work again without my anger chemicals ripping at my intellect. Please forgive my unfortunate attitude. We all have bad days and I was having one for sure.
It is so interesting that the very poem I attacked in my childish rant tells my story so beautifully and deeply.
I only wish I had noticed this before.
I agree with you that using 'Lepidopteron' is so much better. It strikes a note of curiousity and 'butterfly' is too general a word to use for something so specifically beautiful.
Thank you for sharing!
It is so interesting that the very poem I attacked in my childish rant tells my story so beautifully and deeply.
I only wish I had noticed this before.
I agree with you that using 'Lepidopteron' is so much better. It strikes a note of curiousity and 'butterfly' is too general a word to use for something so specifically beautiful.
Thank you for sharing!
I read this last night and was going to comment, but for one reason or another it just slipped my mind.
I really, really like this. Love the way you told it so simply yet beautifully and the imagery you present is perfectly woven into the piece. Reading it, I actually don't have any constructive criticism. One of the best pieces I've read in a while I'd say.
Great read.
P.S. I'm also one in favour of keeping lepidepteron instead of butterfly. I like the mystic it creates in the first stanza - until in around stanza 3, you can work out that it is in fact a butterfly-like creature. Personally, butterfly wouldn't have the same effect for me.
I really, really like this. Love the way you told it so simply yet beautifully and the imagery you present is perfectly woven into the piece. Reading it, I actually don't have any constructive criticism. One of the best pieces I've read in a while I'd say.
Great read.
P.S. I'm also one in favour of keeping lepidepteron instead of butterfly. I like the mystic it creates in the first stanza - until in around stanza 3, you can work out that it is in fact a butterfly-like creature. Personally, butterfly wouldn't have the same effect for me.
Aru - Good call, looks like lepidopteron has the popular vote. If you're going to use informed then you need me as the direct object.
One lepidepteron informed me.
cheers
Barrie
One lepidepteron informed me.
cheers
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Dear John, we all have bad days. Don't bother about it. Nice that you are liking my poem.
Dear Keekee,
Thanks a lot. Appreciations mean a lot to me.
Dear Barrie,
You made a point. But "informed me" is finding a rhyme with "Cherrapunji", which to my inexperienced ear sounds silly. So you are grammatically correct, but, the situation involves only two persons - the cactus and butterfly, so its obvious ( I feel ) that it informs the cactus. Pardon me, but should grammar always rule the moods of a poem? I do not know the exact answer.But I shall be brooding over your point. Let the piece remain as it is for now.Thank you so much for your valuable input.
Smiles.
Dear Keekee,
Thanks a lot. Appreciations mean a lot to me.
Dear Barrie,
You made a point. But "informed me" is finding a rhyme with "Cherrapunji", which to my inexperienced ear sounds silly. So you are grammatically correct, but, the situation involves only two persons - the cactus and butterfly, so its obvious ( I feel ) that it informs the cactus. Pardon me, but should grammar always rule the moods of a poem? I do not know the exact answer.But I shall be brooding over your point. Let the piece remain as it is for now.Thank you so much for your valuable input.
Smiles.
Aru - A transitive verb requires a direct object - even in poetry, I would say. Some grammatical rules you can't bend - but it's your choice.
Barrie
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Dear Barrie,
Do you like the edition? How about the line gap?
-Arun
Do you like the edition? How about the line gap?
-Arun
I think it's fine - it was just the verb that was bothering me. I also think the rhyme is OK. I must admit that I didn't see it until you pointed it out. If you still don't like the accidental rhyme, you could always use 'one lepidopteron said' - But it looks OK to me.
Barrie
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Thank you Barrie. One positive side of the rhyme is, that it emphasises the playfulness of a fluttering butterfly. Grammar is always a bother for me.
Thanks to you.
Thanks to you.
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stuartryder
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 897
- Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2008 1:45 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Warrington, UK
Arunansu
My issue with that first bit is as Barrie's. As an informed reader, I know that a lepidopteron is a butterfly, but I can't see the *reason* for using its scientific name instead of its common name. The poem isn't a scientific poem in the mode of Holub so there isn't a technical justification for it, nor does the rest of the poem warrant a scientific beginning. (Though I think Holub would have used "butterfly".) "Lepidopteron" has a Greek musicality to it but because the rest of the piece is in English it feels like a nice chord played in the wrong place.
I keep asking myself, is a word chosen to show off the poem or the poet? I know which I think it should be.
I'm sorry, I just don't think it fits here. From reading your responses I know you'll ignore me but I have to say it!
Regarding the use of "informed", I must say that "One lepidopteron informed" sounds like someone typed "A butterfly said" into Babelfish and cut'n'pasted in the results. I promise you that "informed" must take an object ("me", for example) like Barrie says, and I further promise you that a simpler opening line holds more potential and will appeal to more readers (and critics) than trying to be clever with a scientific term that people either know or don't.
Regards
Stuart
My issue with that first bit is as Barrie's. As an informed reader, I know that a lepidopteron is a butterfly, but I can't see the *reason* for using its scientific name instead of its common name. The poem isn't a scientific poem in the mode of Holub so there isn't a technical justification for it, nor does the rest of the poem warrant a scientific beginning. (Though I think Holub would have used "butterfly".) "Lepidopteron" has a Greek musicality to it but because the rest of the piece is in English it feels like a nice chord played in the wrong place.
I keep asking myself, is a word chosen to show off the poem or the poet? I know which I think it should be.
I'm sorry, I just don't think it fits here. From reading your responses I know you'll ignore me but I have to say it!
Regarding the use of "informed", I must say that "One lepidopteron informed" sounds like someone typed "A butterfly said" into Babelfish and cut'n'pasted in the results. I promise you that "informed" must take an object ("me", for example) like Barrie says, and I further promise you that a simpler opening line holds more potential and will appeal to more readers (and critics) than trying to be clever with a scientific term that people either know or don't.
Regards
Stuart
Hi Arunansu,
I like the second version more.
WRT 'lepidopteron' , I see your points but I am with Barrie and stuartryder. Yes, it is too technical that it turned me away for my first reading and later I came back again.
From 'informed me', I'm thinking if 'me' is needed after 'told'' in “Odd”, she told, “they look odd on you”. Or just say 'she said'?
Best,
Lake
I like the second version more.
WRT 'lepidopteron' , I see your points but I am with Barrie and stuartryder. Yes, it is too technical that it turned me away for my first reading and later I came back again.
From 'informed me', I'm thinking if 'me' is needed after 'told'' in “Odd”, she told, “they look odd on you”. Or just say 'she said'?
Best,
Lake
Aru
I like this a lot. I can see everyones point on lepidepteron - but for me keep it, because it is just such a great sounding word and a great hook for a first line.
A couple of minor points
I think you should make it been raining - its a better rhythm and the inadvertant rhyme is also a good hook, it doesn't feel forced in anyway.
In third stanza you need told me although I would prefer she said.
Good work - I hope you are going to give the competition a go this time. Jump right in.
elphin
I like this a lot. I can see everyones point on lepidepteron - but for me keep it, because it is just such a great sounding word and a great hook for a first line.
A couple of minor points
I think you should make it been raining - its a better rhythm and the inadvertant rhyme is also a good hook, it doesn't feel forced in anyway.
In third stanza you need told me although I would prefer she said.
Good work - I hope you are going to give the competition a go this time. Jump right in.
elphin
Dear Stuart,Lake,Elphin,
I value each opinion. Also, everyone reads a poem with his /her personal views. I take both the positive and the negative critics. I do know "a butterfly told" would have been an easier and better alternative. This said, I would like to add that I will go through theentire piece again, and will make adjustments with a more open mind.
I value your comments.
Cheers.
Bye.
I value each opinion. Also, everyone reads a poem with his /her personal views. I take both the positive and the negative critics. I do know "a butterfly told" would have been an easier and better alternative. This said, I would like to add that I will go through theentire piece again, and will make adjustments with a more open mind.
I value your comments.
Cheers.
Bye.