Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming,
she sighs - an undiscovered Princess
of a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper.
Sitting by a window with her chin on one hand,
she longs for the white of her eyes
to cover her vision,
so she could write on it
her vitreous bliss.
White-eyed
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday oddball
I think I like the idea behind this but it is very hard to picture in places. You have mixed up some really good images, e.g.
...a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper
with ideas that don't quite make it for this reader. e.g.
Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming...
In fact the two references to eyes are quite strange. I figure you are trying suggest the girl is looking into space or daydreaming, but the expressions used are a bit awkward.
All the same, with a bit of work, this could be much more pleasurable to read.
I think I like the idea behind this but it is very hard to picture in places. You have mixed up some really good images, e.g.
...a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper
with ideas that don't quite make it for this reader. e.g.
Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming...
In fact the two references to eyes are quite strange. I figure you are trying suggest the girl is looking into space or daydreaming, but the expressions used are a bit awkward.
All the same, with a bit of work, this could be much more pleasurable to read.
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
I understand your thoughts, Od. It worked for me.Only
"Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming..." - this part seems a bit confusing.
But a nice write.Enjoyed it.
"Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming..." - this part seems a bit confusing.
But a nice write.Enjoyed it.
Hello O -
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming, - This was my favourite line (just goes to show the differences in tastes).
I don't like 'picture perfect void - It just doesn't sound feasible at all - How can nothing be 'picture perfect'? (Which adjectives could be used to describe the physical appearance of 'nothing' - discuss).
Maybe use chin in hand instead of with her chin on one hand.
nice one
Barrie
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming, - This was my favourite line (just goes to show the differences in tastes).
I don't like 'picture perfect void - It just doesn't sound feasible at all - How can nothing be 'picture perfect'? (Which adjectives could be used to describe the physical appearance of 'nothing' - discuss).
Maybe use chin in hand instead of with her chin on one hand.
nice one
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Hi odd,
As has been said there is some nice stuff here, although I have to agree with others it seems a little muddled. Maybe this is a reflection of her mood?
Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void, - love the words and the phrase, just not sure they actually paint the right picture for what you want.
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming, - Like barrie, I love this line. very clear picture of her mind wondering around an old painting, deep in thought.
she sighs - an undiscovered Princess
of a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper. - the poem started to hint at something darker here, with a princess trapped in a tower, yet one too many sugary words (literally) detracted from that for me I think.
I think the last stanza could be condensed and refined somewhat, to round the poem off with a little more punch. As with Barries suggestion. Also maybe combining the white and vitreous images together?
just some thoughts,
TDF
As has been said there is some nice stuff here, although I have to agree with others it seems a little muddled. Maybe this is a reflection of her mood?
Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void, - love the words and the phrase, just not sure they actually paint the right picture for what you want.
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming, - Like barrie, I love this line. very clear picture of her mind wondering around an old painting, deep in thought.
she sighs - an undiscovered Princess
of a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper. - the poem started to hint at something darker here, with a princess trapped in a tower, yet one too many sugary words (literally) detracted from that for me I think.
I think the last stanza could be condensed and refined somewhat, to round the poem off with a little more punch. As with Barries suggestion. Also maybe combining the white and vitreous images together?
just some thoughts,
TDF
meh and bah are wonderful words
Hey, guys, sorry for the late reply. Eking out a living can wreak havoc on one's schedule. >_<
Thanks, kozmikdave.
Thanks, Aru. Appreciate the time you took to read and comment.
Thanks, Barrie, sir.
Back to the drawing board with this one. Thanks for the input, guys, much appreciated.
Yes, the first two lines are an attempt to illustrate some girl staring into space, thinking of her ideal guy. The second eye reference tried to suggest how she has her love story all written out in her head, she just wish she doesn't have to contend with reality to see it through. LOL! Sorry, I guess I need to make that clearer.kozmikdave wrote:Gidday oddball
Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming...
In fact the two references to eyes are quite strange. I figure you are trying suggest the girl is looking into space or daydreaming, but the expressions used are a bit awkward.
All the same, with a bit of work, this could be much more pleasurable to read.
Thanks, kozmikdave.
.arunansu wrote:I understand your thoughts, Od. It worked for me.Only
"Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void,
thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming..." - this part seems a bit confusing.
But a nice write.Enjoyed it.
Thanks, Aru. Appreciate the time you took to read and comment.
Er...um...uhh...because it's nothing? ;-bbarrie wrote:Hello O -
I don't like 'picture perfect void - It just doesn't sound feasible at all - How can nothing be 'picture perfect'?
Eep! *sweats* >_<barrie wrote:(Which adjectives could be used to describe the physical appearance of 'nothing' - discuss).
Thanks, Barrie, sir.
Hmm...I didn't really intend to hint at anything dark there, hence the sugary words. I just meant 'undiscovered' by her prince, with her love story yet to be realized. LOL! Didn't mean to give you a toothache, Tom.TDF wrote:Hi odd,
she sighs - an undiscovered Princess
of a Kingdom yet to be written
in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper. - the poem started to hint at something darker here, with a princess trapped in a tower, yet one too many sugary words (literally) detracted from that for me I think.
just some thoughts,
TDF
Back to the drawing board with this one. Thanks for the input, guys, much appreciated.
"The greater the outward show, the greater the inward poverty."
- Jiddu Krishnamurti, Commentaries on Living
- Jiddu Krishnamurti, Commentaries on Living
-
Brotherfergus
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 9:42 am
Wasn't too keen on the piece myself but only read it through twice before I decided I needed to voice this; I really think the idea/image...
she longs for the white of her eyes
to cover her vision,
so she could write on it
her vitreous bliss.
...is really great, in fact, that whole verse is very good indeed, I am still throughly enjoying its image, nicely done!
she longs for the white of her eyes
to cover her vision,
so she could write on it
her vitreous bliss.
...is really great, in fact, that whole verse is very good indeed, I am still throughly enjoying its image, nicely done!
"The poet becomes a seer through a long, immense, and reasoned derangement of all the senses." - Arthur Rimbaud
This actually quite an interesting poem - and as you can see by the replies everyone likes a different line so somehow the whole thing must be kind of good, eh?! I like the she sighs - an undiscovered Princess / of a Kingdom yet to be written. This motive of mystery is very well expressed in this line.
However, I can't connect to the last line of the first verse: in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper. - not to my liking. I appreciate how you tried to keep up the image of the writing, but syrup and caramel?! I'm not sure what you want to say with that, sorry. Maybe I'm missing something really obvious, though - I'm rarely good at getting symbolism, I have to admit...
In the second verse I'd prefer with the chin on her hand - would sound a bit more natural, if you ask me. Also, I'm a bit confused as to where she could write on - what do you mean with it? But again, maybe just my lack of imagination or understanding.
On the whole, since I'm not a fan of this contemporary form of poetry, you did have some nice imagery and lines in the poem. It definitely has potential!
However, I can't connect to the last line of the first verse: in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper. - not to my liking. I appreciate how you tried to keep up the image of the writing, but syrup and caramel?! I'm not sure what you want to say with that, sorry. Maybe I'm missing something really obvious, though - I'm rarely good at getting symbolism, I have to admit...
In the second verse I'd prefer with the chin on her hand - would sound a bit more natural, if you ask me. Also, I'm a bit confused as to where she could write on - what do you mean with it? But again, maybe just my lack of imagination or understanding.
On the whole, since I'm not a fan of this contemporary form of poetry, you did have some nice imagery and lines in the poem. It definitely has potential!