Untitled again (Apologies)

[Brotherfergus]

This is the first verse of a longer poem I'm struggling with at present. It may not make much sense without the following verses but I'd appreciate some feedback on its construction, language etc. I'm really finding it fairly hard to get my head round in an objective sense.


With a savage grip,
her hymen pierced,
and from the brooding warmth of her womb,
I am torn.
Her alabaster flesh smoulders
beneath the cold stark glare
of the warehouse
as her eyes, submissively, retract
and her head, bows back
to reveal an anguish,
as a mother may,
when she hears of a child’s death.

My eyes toil in the dank
as my brain attempts to recognise
the hand
who stole my rest
that hangs form a depraved form.
It too, recoils,
seemingly ashamed,
clothed in menace, solemnity and unrest.

I throw aside foetal contortions,
erecting equanimity,
my skin peels against the air.

My eyes align to the isles
of bulbous organic forms
that heave and throb
infinitely beyond my sight.
The darkness
does little to
clothe their shame as I pass, unnoticed.

[davelord]

Please don't ever publish this poem. It is totally heart wrecking.

I was so moved by its message that I am still trembling in shock. Thank goodness we will only ever have to imagine the thoughts of these poor babies, for babies they are.

Constructively - wouldn't her hymen have been pierced at the moment of conception, not abortion. This line confused me a little at first

[Elphin]

bf

Its not really my cup of tea so I'll just restrict my comments to langauge and construction.

The overall first impression for me is that you should pare back the adjectives - there are too many - and that the language is a bit overwrought (dank, alabaster,brooding etc). Given the subject your langauge choice is understandable but other than describing how gruesome is the sight think about what else you want to deliver.

I am no biologist but I think davelord is right.

Not quite the subject you are describing but the phrase from his mother's womb untimely ripped came to mind. Its an example of less is more that I was trying to explain above.

hope there is something there
elphin

[Brotherfergus]

Sorry to disappoint but his has nothing to do with abortion if thats what your both getting at. Elphin; I'll try and reconsider the use of adjectives but the main reason for the possible over use is it's setting the scene for the following verses. I am well aware of the hymen situation and that is why it is the way it is. The mother in the poem is virginal, chaste, an innocent, I use this as a metaphorical standpoint or an archetype, but this has obviously been lost. I will give it a rethink and come back to you.

[keekee107]

Ouch... I found this a little hard to read. I must admit. Maybe that's the intention - I'm not sure, but if this is actually metaphorical and not actually about an abortion - I'd think this choice carefully through because it's quite a difficult read. I agree with others, less is often more and can give a much better effect. I think you need to rethink this one - especially if it is metaphorical - I didn't get that at all in this piece.

Keep working at it. I'd like to see what you actually do with this.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Strange that elfin and davelord both picked abortion as the subject. I think the hymen mention made me think it was something to do with coitus interruptus or some such. I was expecting the hairy hand of doom to be attached to an irate father, so I kind of lost the thread. The mention of abortion in the first two comments made me re-read and felt that that at least was more plausible than my initial interpretation.

If it is a metaphore, there needs to be a few clues, either in the title or in some resolution at the end. I have been trying to guess what it might be about. I thought the bulbous masses might be whales but the rest of the image doesn't fit. Perhaps it is to do with the rape of nature, as with your song, recently posted.

The idea of a still-born (if that is what is suggested - metaphorically or otherwise) being able to sense as seems to be suggested here is also a tad confusing, so again, I guess that is not the point either.

The language is certainly dramatic and a little "high church" for me, and creates a highly charged sexual atmosphere that may confuse the reader - certainly it did me.

I give up. I think you will have to give me some more clues.