Jungle Jumping

[dl04]

Serpent skin shed on the roadside
scales guide through creeping bamboo
and the pale sun that fades at 8.

Tigers flash through the river,
single strokes of stripe
with orange fur conquering.

Then to the sound of a pakhawaj drum
the elephants lie down in impasto mud,
while the monkeys create a rhythm and cry
that they call jungle jumping.

[keekee107]

I liked the atmosphere of this piece. It's quite laid back - which is different to the usual take on jungle, usually presented as predatory and dangerous.

To me, there were a few lines I felt were a little weak and disrupted the feel. One being:
'with orange fur conquering.'
I don't feel this is needed after the lovely image presented with the stripes flashing across the river. 'Conquering' seems a little out of place in such context, to me.
And the first stanza seems very muddled to me. A heap of images, unrelated, placed together giving a rather under-whelming feel resultantly. I would maybe have looked to explore one of these images further - rather than cramming in as many as possible to avoid the feel of a nature documentary .
Also, rhythm has a 'h' in it - but that's rather pedantic
Of course, these problems may just lie with me - so choose to listen or not to this depending on how you feel.

Nice pleasant read. I like this.

[barrie]

I quite like this - it's certainly different.

I didn't like the second line, scales guide through creeping bamboo - 'guide' usually takes an object, and I found myself asking, "What or who are the scales guiding? You need to say.
I found it easier to read as scales glide through creeping bamboo.

I agree with kk107 (sounds like an automatic rifle): I agree with keekee about orange fur conquering - Doesn't quite fit.

Apart from that, it's good.

Barrie

[Oskar]

d104

Lots of good images in this but IMO comes across as being a little disjointed. I'd want to keep the snake theme going into line three of S1to round it off. Maybe something like:

Serpent skin shed on roadside
Scales glide through creeping bamboo
in processional stealth

S2 uses very strong imagery and I can see why you'd want to use conquering in relation to the magnificence of the tiger, but I'd also suggest that it doesn't quite work with what you've written.

Tigers flash through the river
Single strokes of stripe
with ruckled orange fur

This might be useful to you but feel free to point me in the direction of the changing rooms!

[Brotherfergus]

I'm just going to talk about V1. Each individual line I thought was great but they didn't seem to work together. I read on to try and illucidate my problem to no avail. It seemed to jump (no pun intended) from a long outback road type scene to dense jungle at a click of a finger which isn't a problem as long as you bring the reader with you. I have suffered the same problem and the same crits so because of this it may seem a little hypocritical, but, a slightly clearer cohesion between the images would , for me, add the missing list, I felt it read a little like a list. Obviously don't take this on to heavily as I am by no means an authority. Look forward to hearing more!

[arunansu]

Dear Dlo4,

Nice one. But in keeping with the mood of the poem, "roadside" sounds a bit urban. Was rthis intended, or is there some underlying meaning? Are you hinting at that our cities are also "concrete jungles"? Not sure.
I like the images and the language.S3 took me to a jungle.Really.

[seer]

i would give up reading and writing poetry-you dont have any artisitic grasp of either-try reading celebrity magazines-more your level.

[barrie]

i would give up reading and writing poetry-you dont have any artisitic grasp of either-try reading celebrity magazines-more your level.

- Please don't hijack threads for infantile 'revenge attacks'.

[seer]

jungle jumping lol