I thought you'd visit
through cream-coloured walls
and the picture frame that holds you.
You are formed in chalk of memory
that Nana thought was her Harry
laughing through my charcoal sketches
You never visit her.
Still she knows you'll wait
with Uncle Joes in the house,
where the garden is always neat.
Harry
Hi dl,
I enjoyed reading this, think it has some nice sentiment. I'm grasping at an idea of a dead relative, missed by a slightly dementia suffering nan. However, I don't feel like I'm really grasping it, think it could be made a little clearer for the reader.... or just for me!
few thoughts:
I thought
holds you. - mix of tenses here? should it be think or held?
You are formed in chalk of memory - Feels a bit wordy, maybe just 'formed in chalk memories'?
You never visit her. - I liked the italics here, gave it a slight sense of venom.
Uncle Joes - Didn't understand this reference.
where the garden is always neat. - image of heaven?
kudos
Tom
I enjoyed reading this, think it has some nice sentiment. I'm grasping at an idea of a dead relative, missed by a slightly dementia suffering nan. However, I don't feel like I'm really grasping it, think it could be made a little clearer for the reader.... or just for me!
few thoughts:
I thought
holds you. - mix of tenses here? should it be think or held?
You are formed in chalk of memory - Feels a bit wordy, maybe just 'formed in chalk memories'?
You never visit her. - I liked the italics here, gave it a slight sense of venom.
Uncle Joes - Didn't understand this reference.
where the garden is always neat. - image of heaven?
kudos
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
Firstly, I owe you an apology for (my) rudeness the other night. It was a joke. I thought you were someone I knew... turns out you're obviously not! 
Sorry.
As for this, I liked it. The sentiment is nice and, on the whole, well written
.
Constructively I agree with everything that TDF has said. Uncle Joes I assume is a reference to Uncle Joes mintballs? I didn't get the garden reference until TDF mentioned that perhaps it's the Garden of Eden. Makes perfect sense now!
TDF's right... it sounds as though Nana's going a little senile and that's why I'm not sure whether the first stanza works perfectly. I mean... you're not senile? Lol. And that's not an insult.
Anyway, some thoughts. A nice poem though.
Sorry. As for this, I liked it. The sentiment is nice and, on the whole, well written
.Constructively I agree with everything that TDF has said. Uncle Joes I assume is a reference to Uncle Joes mintballs? I didn't get the garden reference until TDF mentioned that perhaps it's the Garden of Eden. Makes perfect sense now!
TDF's right... it sounds as though Nana's going a little senile and that's why I'm not sure whether the first stanza works perfectly. I mean... you're not senile? Lol. And that's not an insult.
Anyway, some thoughts. A nice poem though.
I think this is great, especially the last verse.
where the garden is always neat. - I just read this to mean what it said. I had a relative whose garden was always like this. I like the Uncle Joe's touch.
The only nit for me is a missing article before chalk of memory
Really good
Barrie
where the garden is always neat. - I just read this to mean what it said. I had a relative whose garden was always like this. I like the Uncle Joe's touch.
The only nit for me is a missing article before chalk of memory
Really good
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Hi dl,
I really like this poem. As Barrie, I too take the last line "where the garden is always neat" as what it said. It means to me it is not deserted, it is taken care of. Someone knows how to appreciate life. Nice ending.
Enjoyed it.
Lake
I really like this poem. As Barrie, I too take the last line "where the garden is always neat" as what it said. It means to me it is not deserted, it is taken care of. Someone knows how to appreciate life. Nice ending.
Enjoyed it.
Lake
Nice one dl - very tender. I like the idea of the chalk and charcoal - black and white - and the neat ending, the Uncle Joes really work.
Have a look at Camus Grandad III - similar but different. Which gave me a thought, I like the way he structured his with the stanzas running together so here's an idea
I thought you'd visit
through cream-coloured walls
and the picture frame that holds
your memory formed in chalk
that Nana thought
was her Harry laughing
through my charcoal sketches.
Gets some rhythm and half rhymes etc to accentuate the points.
Just a thought
Elphin
Have a look at Camus Grandad III - similar but different. Which gave me a thought, I like the way he structured his with the stanzas running together so here's an idea
I thought you'd visit
through cream-coloured walls
and the picture frame that holds
your memory formed in chalk
that Nana thought
was her Harry laughing
through my charcoal sketches.
Gets some rhythm and half rhymes etc to accentuate the points.
Just a thought
Elphin