Closure - yes, that's what I need:
Get over you and on with life,
Ignoring my heart's crying plead
That seemèd silenced by a knife.
A knife of words and dire looks,
Sharpened by honesty and truth.
No comfort can I find in books:
No remedy to calm or sooth.
A wound that only time can heal
Your cruel rejection brought on me
And all is sadness that I feel:
A broken heart and misery.
Therefore tears run down my face
And in my heart where once was hope
Despair and sorrow found a place
And make it hard for me to cope.
To cope without your company,
Without your laugh, without your voice -
You make it difficult for me
But - fate be damned - you had no choice.
Had I preferred it if you lied
And feigned some love where there was none? -
So let me put my pain aside
And blame you not for what you've done:
Unwillingly you took my heart
Enchanted it and gave it joy.
You tore it silently apart
And left me crying like a boy.
This is the first poem I'm putting up in this forum. I guess, I need not explain much about why I wrote this poem as it should be straightforward enough. Like anyone here, I'd welcome any type of criticism, any tips and hints, any opinions on the way I put the feelings into words, any ideas how I could improve my style, any comments on the effect of the poem...
Musings on Unrequited Love
I really enjoyed this poem, you capture the emotions perfectly. I'm guessing there won't be many people who read this who haven't experienced a simular situation in their lives which make it a brave choice of subject in my book. The poem left me feeling rather drained after I read it, it was very moving. I look forward to reading lots more of your work.
Ilex.
Ilex.
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MikeSamford
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:51 pm
Dublin, you have advance to the third level of rhyme. "Appropriate Rhyme." At this, the third level, the writer finally recognizes the most basic responsibility of the poet, that he must do at least as much as he would in prose; he must use the language proficiently, according to the laws and dynamics of the language, and the words he uses must say something. There must be a context, and the rhyme word must be appropriate to it. Warped diction and syntax are not excused by rhyme and meter. Any adjustment of language or digression for the sake of rhyme must be slight and unobtrusive. It is actually possible to say something at this level. Since writing at this level is clearly an advance, and since it is very difficult, the poet who reaches it tends to feel that he has reached the peak.
Ultimately, however, and especially in long poems, poetry at this level is frustrating and annoying, both for the writer and for the reader, and for the same reason. To produce this relatively natural sounding language which, at the same time, has equal line lengths and rhyme requires great effort on the part of the poet with no compensating advantage to the reader. And, there are still compromises, however unobtrusive. Grammar and word order are still juggled, and weaker phrasing sometimes still replaces stronger. The sense of arbitrary and unproductive labor becomes oppressive both for writer and reader. Why not simply drop it and give everybody a break?
Most translation in rhyme are at this level, a fact that probably accounts for the general hostility to rhymed translation, even when the original rhymes, even when it is in a form such as the sonnet which seems to demand rhyme. This is probably also the reason so many poets and poetry editors, who themselves tend to be poets, have a prejudice against rhyme. They have reached this level of proficiency, and have found the benefits less than the labor.
Ultimately, however, and especially in long poems, poetry at this level is frustrating and annoying, both for the writer and for the reader, and for the same reason. To produce this relatively natural sounding language which, at the same time, has equal line lengths and rhyme requires great effort on the part of the poet with no compensating advantage to the reader. And, there are still compromises, however unobtrusive. Grammar and word order are still juggled, and weaker phrasing sometimes still replaces stronger. The sense of arbitrary and unproductive labor becomes oppressive both for writer and reader. Why not simply drop it and give everybody a break?
Most translation in rhyme are at this level, a fact that probably accounts for the general hostility to rhymed translation, even when the original rhymes, even when it is in a form such as the sonnet which seems to demand rhyme. This is probably also the reason so many poets and poetry editors, who themselves tend to be poets, have a prejudice against rhyme. They have reached this level of proficiency, and have found the benefits less than the labor.
@ Mike,
I have to say, I'm a bit confused with what you wrote. Are you praising me or did you try to criticise someting?
What you write about the third level sounds very interesting but I'm not sure what to make of it. Are you saying that my rhymes are generally speaking 'good' or do you find them inappropriate? And what is this about the give everybody a break?
I'd appreciate your critique if you were a bit clearer...
@ Ilex,
I'm glad you liked the poem and you understood the piece the way it was supposed to be understood. That's always good...
I have to say, I'm a bit confused with what you wrote. Are you praising me or did you try to criticise someting?
What you write about the third level sounds very interesting but I'm not sure what to make of it. Are you saying that my rhymes are generally speaking 'good' or do you find them inappropriate? And what is this about the give everybody a break?
I'd appreciate your critique if you were a bit clearer...
@ Ilex,
I'm glad you liked the poem and you understood the piece the way it was supposed to be understood. That's always good...
Hi Dublin ,
Welcome aboard. This is an easy read. I have to say the subject is kind of familiar, so it is hard to write something new. But I do feel the emotion and sadness in it.
A knife of words is too familiar, but I like the following line very much: Sharpened by honesty and truth. Isn't it true. I also noticed some repetitions that I think work very well, eg.
That seemèd silenced by a knife. (Why 'seemed' is spelled like 'seemèd'?)
A knife of words and dire looks,
And make it hard for me to cope.
To cope without your company
Many thanks for the read.
Lake
Welcome aboard. This is an easy read. I have to say the subject is kind of familiar, so it is hard to write something new. But I do feel the emotion and sadness in it.
A knife of words is too familiar, but I like the following line very much: Sharpened by honesty and truth. Isn't it true. I also noticed some repetitions that I think work very well, eg.
That seemèd silenced by a knife. (Why 'seemed' is spelled like 'seemèd'?)
A knife of words and dire looks,
And make it hard for me to cope.
To cope without your company
Many thanks for the read.
Lake
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MikeSamford
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:51 pm
Ilex, it is like this not many poets get as proficient as you have with rhyme.
Most feel that is as good as it gets, not so, there is 3 more levels of rhyme to master.
Most start to give up on rhyme as it takes so much more work to go past this level.
Ie: give everybody a break , most start writing in free verse about this time.
Few poet’s that make it this far will ever get any-better, they stay at this lever
and soon all their work will start sounding the same to them.
And here is a thought –there is no reward to go any further in rhyme.
But I did enjoy your work and would be happy to read more.
Hope to help.
Most feel that is as good as it gets, not so, there is 3 more levels of rhyme to master.
Most start to give up on rhyme as it takes so much more work to go past this level.
Ie: give everybody a break , most start writing in free verse about this time.
Few poet’s that make it this far will ever get any-better, they stay at this lever
and soon all their work will start sounding the same to them.
And here is a thought –there is no reward to go any further in rhyme.
But I did enjoy your work and would be happy to read more.
Hope to help.
Dear Dublin,
Allow me to to a little bit of re-structuring your poem ( yes its a fine piece).
Closure - yes, that's what I need:
Get over you and on with life,
Ignoring my heart's crying plead
That seemèd silenced by a knife.
A knife of words and dire looks,
a wound that only time can heal
Your cruel rejection brought on me
Tears run down my face
and make it hard for me to cope.
To cope without your company,
Without your laugh, without your voice -
You make it difficult for me.
Does this help?
Smiles.
Allow me to to a little bit of re-structuring your poem ( yes its a fine piece).
Closure - yes, that's what I need:
Get over you and on with life,
Ignoring my heart's crying plead
That seemèd silenced by a knife.
A knife of words and dire looks,
a wound that only time can heal
Your cruel rejection brought on me
Tears run down my face
and make it hard for me to cope.
To cope without your company,
Without your laugh, without your voice -
You make it difficult for me.
Does this help?
Smiles.
Welcome on board Dublin
You have certainly prompted a reaction - so good start, isn't that why we write.
Good rhyme is tough to do and I think you are borderline on getting away with it - a couple of places it feels forced and sometimes you tortured the syntax to get it in. e.g. No comfort can I find in books - this kind of inversion tends to be frowned upon in modern poetry.
A knife of words and dire looks,
Sharpened by honesty and truth
Good use of the second line to take the knife away from being cliche.
fate be damned - a bit melodramatic maybe.
Overall a respectable first post - not a new subject but thats OK. I hope you post more - maybe with less obvious rhyme and using more show rather than tell techniques. In the meantime read lots.
elphin
You have certainly prompted a reaction - so good start, isn't that why we write.
Good rhyme is tough to do and I think you are borderline on getting away with it - a couple of places it feels forced and sometimes you tortured the syntax to get it in. e.g. No comfort can I find in books - this kind of inversion tends to be frowned upon in modern poetry.
A knife of words and dire looks,
Sharpened by honesty and truth
Good use of the second line to take the knife away from being cliche.
fate be damned - a bit melodramatic maybe.
Overall a respectable first post - not a new subject but thats OK. I hope you post more - maybe with less obvious rhyme and using more show rather than tell techniques. In the meantime read lots.
elphin
@ all,
Thanks for all the comments so far. It's true that some rhymes are a bit forced, it is very difficult to avoid that completely and sometimes I just have to play around with the word order or something to make it work...
It is similarly no surprise that the topic is not very original or anything - although I guess most of my poems are not original in that sense. I like writing poetry when I want to deal with my emotions and moods - often enough these prompt the cliche-poems...
However, let me raise a question at this point to this competent audience: What famous poems on unrequitted love are there? What would be typical classics out of the period I mentioned above, 18th, 19th century. I love John Clare's "First Love", Anne Bronte has many beautiful pieces as well but can you recommend anything else?!?
@ elphin,
You say that this one inversion tends to be frowned upon in modern poetry. Well, I can't force anyone to like my way of writing, but to be honest, I'm not a big fan of modern poetry and if I had to classify my work I wouldn't call it modern. I love the poetry of the 18th and 19th century best and I guess I try to follow that ideal more - you understand, I just try to write the way that my favourite poems are written.
@ Lake,
Looking at the meter and rhythm I found 'seemèd' somehow more appropriate because I find otherwise a syllable would be missing - it was my hardly original way to get that syllable in.
@ arunansu,
I appreciate your effort but I'm afraid your version distorts my poem too much. I prefer to write in consistent patterns, i.e. cross rhyme throughout etc.
Maybe it's only because I know my poems so well, but to me your second stanza sounds wrong - like random half-lines put together: something's missing.
Finally, you left out the last thought which was quite important for me. The not-blaming-part is a significant part of the message and therefore should not be omitted.
But thanks anyway for trying, I'd be eager to here more thoughts and views from you!
Thanks for all the comments so far. It's true that some rhymes are a bit forced, it is very difficult to avoid that completely and sometimes I just have to play around with the word order or something to make it work...
It is similarly no surprise that the topic is not very original or anything - although I guess most of my poems are not original in that sense. I like writing poetry when I want to deal with my emotions and moods - often enough these prompt the cliche-poems...
However, let me raise a question at this point to this competent audience: What famous poems on unrequitted love are there? What would be typical classics out of the period I mentioned above, 18th, 19th century. I love John Clare's "First Love", Anne Bronte has many beautiful pieces as well but can you recommend anything else?!?
@ elphin,
You say that this one inversion tends to be frowned upon in modern poetry. Well, I can't force anyone to like my way of writing, but to be honest, I'm not a big fan of modern poetry and if I had to classify my work I wouldn't call it modern. I love the poetry of the 18th and 19th century best and I guess I try to follow that ideal more - you understand, I just try to write the way that my favourite poems are written.
@ Lake,
Looking at the meter and rhythm I found 'seemèd' somehow more appropriate because I find otherwise a syllable would be missing - it was my hardly original way to get that syllable in.
@ arunansu,
I appreciate your effort but I'm afraid your version distorts my poem too much. I prefer to write in consistent patterns, i.e. cross rhyme throughout etc.
Maybe it's only because I know my poems so well, but to me your second stanza sounds wrong - like random half-lines put together: something's missing.
Finally, you left out the last thought which was quite important for me. The not-blaming-part is a significant part of the message and therefore should not be omitted.
But thanks anyway for trying, I'd be eager to here more thoughts and views from you!
Good luck with that! But, let me tell you - as you'll realise yourself after a while - you're on to a loser there. Like it or not, you're modern, whatever your poetry would like to be. Still, it's your choice. Knock yourself out.Dublin wrote:@ elphin,
You say that this one inversion tends to be frowned upon in modern poetry. Well, I can't force anyone to like my way of writing, but to be honest, I'm not a big fan of modern poetry and if I had to classify my work I wouldn't call it modern. I love the poetry of the 18th and 19th century best and I guess I try to follow that ideal more - you understand, I just try to write the way that my favourite poems are written.
The great one (and this must be unmodern enough for you) - Thomas Wyatt, 16th century -Dublin wrote: However, let me raise a question at this point to this competent audience: What famous poems on unrequitted love are there? What would be typical classics out of the period I mentioned above, 18th, 19th century. I love John Clare's "First Love", Anne Bronte has many beautiful pieces as well but can you recommend anything else?!?.
They fle from me that sometyme did me seke
With naked fote stalking in my chambre.
I have sene theim gentill, tame, and meke
That nowe are wyld and do not remembre
That sometyme they put theimself in daunger
To take bred at my hand; and nowe they raunge
Besely seking with a continuell chaunge.
Thancked be fortune it hath ben othrewise
Twenty tymes better, but ons in speciall,
In thyn arraye after a pleasaunt gyse,
When her lose gowne from her shoulders did fall,
And she me caught in her armes long and small,
Therewithall swetely did me kysse,
And softely said "dere hert, howe like you this?"
It was no dreme: I lay brode waking.
But all is torned thorough my gentilnes
Into a straunge fasshion of forsaking;
And I have leve to goo of her goodeness,
And she also to vse new fangilnes.
But syns that I so kyndely ame served,
I would fain knowe what she hath deserved.
Actually, now I think about it, it's less love unrequited than love no longer requited - an early forerunner of I Don't Believe (She Acts Like We Never Have Met), with the added thrill of possible beheading.
Anyway, let's see how you get on with the old fashioned bit. Best of luck!
Cheers
David
P.S. Typo in the title you might want to correct.