Second Edit:-
Six dreary years have expanded
the calluses on his young fingers.
He likes to feel the frail pages
of a book he gathered from a garbage
bin. Its binding has given away.
He cannot conceive all of the words.
The pictures are still bright
A Santa smiles, a Jesus bleeds,
a flute player rests his mouth
on the lip-plate, eyes closed.
First Edition:-
A Flute Beckons Krishna.
Six dreary years have expanded calluses
on his young fingers. He likes to feel
the frail pages of books he gathered
from a garbage bin. Its binding has given away.
He cannot conceive all of the words.
The pictures are still bright
A Santa smiles, a Jesus bleeds,
a flute player rests his mouth
on the lip-plate, eyes closed.
Original:-
A flute beckons Krishna.
Six dreary years have expanded
calluses on his young fingers.
He likes to feel the frail pages
of a book he gathered
from a garbage bin. Its binding
has given away. He cannot
conceive all of the words.
But its pictures are still bright.
A Santa smiles, a Jesus bleeds,
a flute player rests with his mouth
on the lip plate, eyes closed.
A flute beckons Krishna
Last edited by arunansu on Sun May 04, 2008 5:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
Hey aru,
something about this poem grabs me. I like the turns of phrase and such. I also like the quiet contemplation of the piece, a preperation by Krishna before he composes his own beliefs... ?
Its binding has given away. - initially my brain said it should be 'given way'. But then I warmed to the idea of the double meaning, expressing how the names on the spines had already be been spread to the world, well before they crumbled and ended up in a bin. nice.
A Santa smiles, a Jesus bleeds,
a flute player rests his mouth
on the lip-plate, eyes closed. - Enjoyed the images here, although I think there should be a full stop after bleeds.
all-in-all... nice one.
Tom
something about this poem grabs me. I like the turns of phrase and such. I also like the quiet contemplation of the piece, a preperation by Krishna before he composes his own beliefs... ?
Its binding has given away. - initially my brain said it should be 'given way'. But then I warmed to the idea of the double meaning, expressing how the names on the spines had already be been spread to the world, well before they crumbled and ended up in a bin. nice.
A Santa smiles, a Jesus bleeds,
a flute player rests his mouth
on the lip-plate, eyes closed. - Enjoyed the images here, although I think there should be a full stop after bleeds.
all-in-all... nice one.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
-
William Xel Ray
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Fri May 02, 2008 4:41 am
- Contact:
Hey there aru,
I like the imagery of the first paragraph. The first line hits a point to me that was when I started to work and personal experience.
Six dreary years have expanded calluses - This in itself drew me in, before anything, I then started to read though and liked how it connects back to the beginning. The flute shows purpose to the calluses, and the last two lines of the piece draw back well.
I agree with Tom, with that full stop, it seems like it would settle better.
~Xel
I like the imagery of the first paragraph. The first line hits a point to me that was when I started to work and personal experience.
Six dreary years have expanded calluses - This in itself drew me in, before anything, I then started to read though and liked how it connects back to the beginning. The flute shows purpose to the calluses, and the last two lines of the piece draw back well.
I agree with Tom, with that full stop, it seems like it would settle better.
~Xel