REVISION
Empty pizza boxes,
crumpled genealogies,
the next few beers,
a curious medal,
an old sepia face,
an oliphant horn.
The true King of England
sits in his vest
and scowls at the news.
He thinks the police
are watching him.
They are.
The kids on the estate
are raising hell,
but not on his front lawn.
At night he dreams
of battles
with the council,
sanguinary dreams
of rights
and entitlements.
ORIGINAL
The true King of England
sits in his vest
and scowls at the news.
On the sofa:
empty pizza boxes,
crumpled genealogies,
the next few beers.
On the mantelpiece,
some odd mementoes:
a curious medal,
an old sepia face,
an oliphant horn.
Outside he doesn't bother
with the pub anymore,
just the park
and the minimart.
The kids on the estate
daub his door.
He thinks the police
are watching him.
They are.
At night he dreams
of battles
with the council,
sanguinary dreams
of rights
and entitlements.
The true King of England
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Gene van Troyer
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 50
- Joined: Wed Apr 16, 2008 8:31 am
A tribute to the election of Boris Johnson as LM of L? Probably not; that's just on my mind because I happened to notice the London mayoral election.
I liked the sparse language here, the sense that the "real" king of England could be somebody else or actually be the real king just as disconnected from what's going on as anyone else.
I liked the sparse language here, the sense that the "real" king of England could be somebody else or actually be the real king just as disconnected from what's going on as anyone else.
"If you don't like my principles, I have others." —Groucho Marx
Warm and friendly. I like this. Quick question though: is this about any person who's a bit down in the dumps, or about that Aussie bloke they traced to be the real king?
I've a bit of an issue with the 'voice' though. It's a bit too journalistic. I get the impression, with "On the sofa:", that you were lost as to how you could introduce the bits of clutter around him, because it reads very clunkily and, hmmm, perhaps even lazily.
The form of description you use, listing and noting, works for the tone, but it doesn't really make this poem jump for me. It just feels a little damp, which is a shame because I like the idea and most of the execution. I just think that perhaps you could rework some of the glib bits (without turning it into fancy nonsense, because that wouldn't suit the thing at all).
Dave
I've a bit of an issue with the 'voice' though. It's a bit too journalistic. I get the impression, with "On the sofa:", that you were lost as to how you could introduce the bits of clutter around him, because it reads very clunkily and, hmmm, perhaps even lazily.
The form of description you use, listing and noting, works for the tone, but it doesn't really make this poem jump for me. It just feels a little damp, which is a shame because I like the idea and most of the execution. I just think that perhaps you could rework some of the glib bits (without turning it into fancy nonsense, because that wouldn't suit the thing at all).
Dave
I was going to say - If it int broke, then don't fix it! But I'm too late. I prefer the first version - the verse order and the colons. You've lost something with the revision, namely the immediate image of 'the king' presented in the original V1, where Gregor Fisher's Rab C Nesbit springs to mind.
One verse seemed a little unnecessary -
He thinks the police
are watching him.
They are.
It's version one for me, minus the above verse.
Barrie.
One verse seemed a little unnecessary -
He thinks the police
are watching him.
They are.
It's version one for me, minus the above verse.
Barrie.
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
The revision is nowt but a pretender.
True King of England? My arse!
Jim Royle
Yes, I agree with Jim - the Original is best.
He is not so much the king of his own little castle, but more a prisoner like Mary Queen of Scots.
The bit about the police watching him adds a touch of mystery and suspense, and reinforces his lack of control
over his life.
Geoff
True King of England? My arse!
Jim Royle
Yes, I agree with Jim - the Original is best.
He is not so much the king of his own little castle, but more a prisoner like Mary Queen of Scots.
The bit about the police watching him adds a touch of mystery and suspense, and reinforces his lack of control
over his life.
Geoff
I immediately thought Jim Royle / Rab C Nesbitt - and in this sense I think you're right. Prefer the first version.
This is a good 'un - the line breaks all work well, except the last one - I'd have "of rights and entitlements". The mementoes (that plural always weirds me out) add a lovely Dickensian twist.
This is a good 'un - the line breaks all work well, except the last one - I'd have "of rights and entitlements". The mementoes (that plural always weirds me out) add a lovely Dickensian twist.
fine words butter no parsnips