Paris, 1989

[Richard WH]

I was on a course at the weekend (NLP) and though it wasnt about writing someone did a short piece about writing, showed us a few items and asked us to write non-stop, without thinking, for 6 minutes - whatever came into our head.
The item I picked was a little replica of the Eiffel Tower, and this is what came out. Any thoughts or critiques kindly appreciated. How could this be made into a better poem?

Paris, 1989

Round and round we went,
higher and higher,
legs heavier each step,
laughing at how unfit we were.

At the top we looked out,
surveyed the scene,
Paris on a hot summers day.
people below, tiny,
leaving work and leaving lovers,
going to work and meeting lovers,
walking with children hand in hand,
sleeping inside tiny windows.

We haven't seen each other for eight years.
We were best friends.

Special bonds that are formed,
seem unbreakable at the time.
Special moments then release...

And they drift backwards whilst
I move forwards,
meet new people, climb new obstacles.
A different viewpoint on a different life,
still moving.

Maybe one day I'll stop, but
maybe it won't be 'til the day I die

[ray miller]

Hello Richard, I like reflective and mildly poignant pieces such as this. Thought the first four lines had a nice rhythm and alliteration. There seems to be a preponderance of commas and I'm not sure they're all necessary. A line like "people below, tiny" could maybe become "tiny people below". The lines involving work and lovers are fine. Great image of life events drifting backwards while we and time move forward. I think the last two lines are superfluous and detract from rather than add to the quality of the poem. On the whole, I like it. Best Wishes, Ray
What is NLP?

[Richard WH]

thank you. And I agree with the last two lines definitely
I've had some help on a different forum to make this poem much better and it will be interesting to see what advice I get here and how anything compares and contrasts.
I have a huge amount of words, images, scenes, emotions that come out of me and are written down - and thats fine for prose. But what I need to be able to do is to turn the words into poems that are far better. That is where my challenge lies and what I need to study from now on.
NLP is Neuro-Linguistic Programming which sounds either very dull or very technical, but is about how we think, form our own mind, how this affects our language (verbal or body language) and how this is turned into patterns that affect our lives. Its a whole host of tools that can be used therapeutically or with organisations.
I'm currently using NLP and other processes to set up Writing Therapy for individuals and groups, starting in Frankland Prison

[Milu]

It's interesting you bring that up with the prose, I do see beautiful images in this poem, but I think you can go deeper. One exercise I do with my poems is to print them out, then go line by line saying "how can I make that less literal and more figurative?" For example, you could say "I was happy" or you could say "I glowed." I may be pointing out the obvious, but it helps me as a creative exercise.

For example:

"Special bonds that are formed, [What kind of special bonds?]
seem unbreakable at the time.[how so?]
Special moments then release...[describe this] "

[Richard WH]

thank you milu.
That is helpful and I will do that