Teddy - rewritten

[Richard WH]

Here we go rewritten thanks to advice. Further comments appreciated.

Teddy

Creeping mists suffocate
the drone of the fog-horn
over hard pale sands
pushed tight by waves

Tangled in fishing line,
slapped down by seaweed,
old buoys and beer cans,
a little pink teddy
face down in sand

Stooping to feel
salt soaked fur,
it's one eye looks back at me
from battered face

Over the North Sea
visitor from Scandinavia
Or hurled from pier
by lover deceived
Maybe from railings
a mile up the coast
little girl murdered
by waves and rocks

I sit it down gently
looking half out to sea,
imagine a dog
cocking its leg

toss it back in again
let fate determine
where it will travel,
who may find it next



As my poem about Paris, this has come straight from the mind onto the page, and then onto here. I find I can do this easy but would like to be able to go one stage further and tighten my poetry, giving it more form. Any comments on what I already have or what I can further do genuinely appreciated.
I dont want to keep doing this, I want to reach the second stage myself and this week will work on one more and see how I can do with any tips given for these two.
Anyway, I've just walked in off the beach with this five minutes ago and this is what I wrote there:

Teddy

Wet mists blown
through the drone of a fog-horn,
hard pale sand pushed by relentless waves

Further right, sand dark and soft,
kicked up and blown into
miniature deserts, moon landscapes

Fenced by seaweed, tangled
in fishermans line, branches
brought down from the dene,
old buoys and beer cans,
plastic bottles and rubber pipes

Face down in wet sand, a little pink teddy.
I pick it up, turn it over, feel
its battered face, salt soaked fur.
It looks back at me, one eye missing,
makes me wonder
Who did it belong to?
And how did it end up here?

Perhaps it came over the North Sea
a visitor from Scandinavia,
or hurled from pier by cheated lover.
Maybe it came from the line of teddies
tied to railings just a mile down the coast
in remembrance of the little girl
murdered by waves and rocks

I turn it over in my hands again
cant put it back face down in sand,
think perhaps I could sit it up
alive and alert, taking in the view,
realise the wind will knock it down again,
a dog come over, cock its leg

So I raise my arm back
toss it back into the sea
let fate decide where it will travel
and who may find it next

[wabbit]

I like this and think it could be very good with a little refinement. For me it seems to switch after "plastic bottles and rubber pipes" from what I deem as poetic to almost a story.

I think maybe less would be more.

Maybe things like (I shall just make one suggestion)

"Perhaps it came over the North Sea" could be shortened to "over the North Sea?"

So my opinion (for what its worth)

Like the first bit upto "plastic bottles and rubber pipes"
Like the second bit but feel if it was more concise it would flow better

Cheers
W

[Richard WH]

Excellent, thank you. That does seem to be a pattern of mine, unsurprising I suppose since I've always written prose.
I shall re-construct in a few days perhaps after waiting to see if I get further comments.
Much appreciated

[arunansu]

Lovable. But I also feel it can be trimmed down.
Here's my take on this :-

Wet mists blown
through the drone of a fog-horn,
hard pale sand pushed by relentless waves.

Further right, sand dark and soft,
kicked up and blown into
miniature deserts, moon landscapes

fenced by seaweed, tangled
in fishermans line, branches
brought down from the dene,
old buoys and beer cans,
face down in wet sand, a little pink teddy.

I pick it up, turn it over, feel
its battered face, salt soaked fur.
It looks back at me, one eye missing.

Perhaps it came over the North Sea
a visitor from Scandinavia,
or hurled from pier by cheated lover.
Maybe it is in remembrance
of the little girl
murdered by waves and rocks.

Perhaps I could sit it up
alive and alert, realise the wind
will knock it down again,

a dog come over, cock its leg.

So I raise my arm back
toss it back into the sea.


Hope this is helpful.

[Elphin]

Richard

I think this approach you are adopting is promising. I find myself that I often blurt thoughts on to a page and then sculpt them into something closer to I hope a poem.

You need to do the sculpting on this one now. Here are a few thougths:

The first three stanzas are interesting descriptions but really your poem starts with Face down in wet sand, a little pink teddy. It says everything you need to say - let the reader fill in the background dunes, fish nets whatever, keep them for another poem.

In each line try and capture an essence of what you want to say. For example, in I pick it up, turn it over, feel you have done three things when one would do (feel perhaps) and by implication carry the other actions.

Perhaps be less literal - for example the one eye of the teddy could be looking for its owner or questioning why it ended up there rather than the more prosaic - makes me wonder

In general take a paring knife to the extra words - North Sea and Scandanavia, raise my arm back/toss - just toss, everything else is implied.

Hope there are some ideas there that might help. You should redraft.

Elphin

[TDF]

Hi Rich,

Nice instant pen-down, some lovely images, nicely put by-and-large. I like what the poem does, so my following comments are just for refining it and the structure.

Wet mists blown - is there a kind of mist that is dry?

miniature deserts, moon landscapes - deserts is nice, but it doesn't work for me. Too much feeling of wetness in the poem to support it I think. And why not just go with moonscapes for punch?

Fenced by seaweed, tangled - Again fenced doesn't work for me. Too rigid a word for something as organic as seaweed. Groins could fence, but not seaweed imo.

old buoys and beer cans, - nice pun on old boys with the beer here.

Face down in wet sand, a little pink teddy. - Don't think you need to repeat wet and sand, think it is implied.

its battered face, salt soaked fur. - like the alliteration on the s.
It looks back at me, one eye missing, - I'd be tempted to combine the one eye line with the battered face line.

Who did it belong to?
And how did it end up here? - both these lines are redundant I think. What else would you be wondering?

I like what s5 says, but think it could do so in a more condensed way. Nice images but try condending it, reducing it by 2 lines?

I turn it over in my hands again - don't think this line really adds anything. Maybe just go with "cant put it back face down again"
alive and alert, taking in the view, - replace the and with a comma I think.
realise the wind will knock it down again, - remove the again - that implies the wind knocked it over before, yet as you have previously written, you don't know how it got to be how it was.

a dog come over, cock its leg - like the idea, don't like the phrasing.. maybe something like "become the victim to a dog's cock" - though maybe that line is a little too much of a crude pun.

So I raise my arm back
toss it back into the sea - Lose the first 'back'.
let fate decide where it will travel
and who may find it next - maybe switch the focus, and say who the bear will find next? a little more personal?


enjoyed this mate, lots of nice stuff in there, refine it and make it a goodun. I know most of my above comments seem negative, but please take it as a complement, hopefully they are constructive.

word.
Tom

[Richard WH]

Thanks folks
The above comments are what I want and why I post
I dont see them as being negative at all. I see them as valuable and imperative to me evolving and maturing.
There's lots of welcome feedback and suggestions I will take on board.
Will look at this again tomorrow and then refine - looking forward to it

[wabbit]

Yup ...Love the re-write

Much better

Good one

Cheers
W

[Elphin]

I like what you have done here - the essence of your poem is much clearer.

If you would like some more suggestions

over hard pale sands
pushed tight by waves could be

over hard sands, pale
and pushed tight by waves gives you the assonance of the a sounds in hard/sands, the consonance of p sounds and again the ay sound of pale and waves.

Second stanza - suggest finish with face down. That phrase carries lots of implications that are diluted when you add in sand.

If you fancy little bits of rhyme you could change

it's one eye looks back at me
from battered face to

it's one eye met my gaze
from a battered face

Not everyones cuppa - up to you.

I think in the next stanza you need some articles e.g. a pier, a lover. I like that couplet though - good sounds.

A liitle change to the end

imagine a dog
cocking its leg

so toss it back
let fate determine
where it will travel,
who it may find.

Final point - check the consistency of your punctuation.

Good work - hope you don't mind another detailed crit, I think its worth it.

elphin

[Richard WH]

mind?
This is fantastic. I feel I should be paying for it.
I will definitely make most if not all those changes; particularly love the pale sands change.
Thanks so much
and by the way, I'm skint

[TDF]

hey Rich,

Take 2 is a real improvement, good to see you working with your critters and trying to develop the ideas and style.
Since you seem to love detailed feedback, here's a few thoughts on the new stuff:

creeping mists suffocate
the drone of the fog-horn - nice image, however I don't see how mist could suffocate sound, since mist is silent and a denser atmosphere should actually propergate the sound further... I'd find an alternative to suffocate.

Tangled in fishing line,
slapped down by seaweed,
old buoys and beer cans,
a little pink teddy
face down in sand - excellent improvement to this stanza, mate. Just lose the 'in sand' as has been suggested.

Over the North Sea
<snip>
by waves and rocks - Agree totally with Elph, add some articles, no need for the stunted sentences.

imagine a dog
cocking its leg - this stanza works much better now, maybe add a 'but' before 'imagine'?

toss it back in again - not sure I like 'again', for the same reason i didn;t liek the again in my first crit - We don't know the bear's history.

great improvement, mate. The whole thing is flowing much better now. Look forward to take 3 if there is one.
Tom

[arunansu]

Like the re-write.As the others are saying, its hugely improved.